This is it

Today is the day I pick up my soldier. 

I don't think it's hit me yet. I didn't sleep at all last night, my eyes never shut once. I've got butterflies and I'm nervous but I don't think I will understand the finality of the deployment ending until he puts his arms around me. I'm sitting on my couch in my place. It's clean, groceries are in the fridge, my hair is having a good day and I think I'm finally ready. All I have left to do it put on my heels and head out the door. 

In just a few hours, I'll be in the parking lot waiting for the buses that will bring my love to me. 

It's been a long year, one at times I didn't know if I would make it through. Deployments are hard and there are way too many nights where you have to swallow your pride and your own feelings and be supportive of their career. 

I promised I would unplug for a few days once he came home, so this is me signing off to soak up the best day of my life. 

Swallowing pride

One thing I didn't expect was jealousy. He has never made me feel jealous in any way, ever. But tonight, I had to bite my tongue and swallow my pride. 

He's been in the states (not here) doing his debriefing and reintegration process with his unit. Since it's the weekend and they are waiting on a few things, they had some free time. He and some of the guys have taken advantage of that time and gone bowling, to the movies, and to dinner, two nights in a row. A part of me is so happy that he can do those things now, but the majority of me is so upset that I wasn't the one with him when he did them. I really didn't expect them to have free time and I honestly feel stupid for being jealous. It's not like he WANTS to be there and doing those things without me, he just is. 

One thing I have learned throughout this shitty deployment is, it's never about me. I don't get to have a say about anything, and that is the hardest part. I wouldn't want him to be bored, just sitting around waiting, but I'm actually really upset that he did those things without me. I know it sounds stupid, but a year long deployment without him has made me really sensitive to this stuff, apparently. 

Ugh I'm so over this. I just wish it would end already so I can have my emotions back to normal. 

We did it

He is safe. He touched US ground a couple of days ago and is in the reintegration process down in Texas. The second he touched down, he called me. My hands were shaking as I picked up the phone. I hadn't received a phone call from him in a year, it's usually emails and face time. His ringtone immediately sent my butterflies in over drive. 

He called me last night and we talked for an hour. I think my cold soldier is finally thawing out. We laughed and made plans for when he gets home. 

I can't even describe how it feels to know he is safe, and almost home. We did it. We got through our first deployment with only a few months of dating beforehand. 

I'm so proud of us.

Doesn't seem real

As this deployment comes to an end soon, I just keep thinking the same thing....... it doesn't seem real yet. I remember laying next to him the night before he deployed and my entire body felt like bricks. I remember the overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. Would we survive an entire year separated after only a few months dating? Would I fall out of love with him, or would he? Did we fall deep enough in love before he left to keep us both waiting for each other? Would he be safe? So many questions ran through my mind and I knew it was going to be a long road ahead.

Almost a year later, and it's really almost over. We really made it. I love him so much more then the day he left, and I never even know that was possible. We have had some moments where things got a little tough between us, but we worked through it. Trying to manage a relationship in two different countries, during our first year together is damn near impossible, but we did it. We survived our first fight 6000+ miles apart and here we are, getting ready to wrap this deployment up.

Lately I have been laying in bed, wondering what it will feel like to roll over and see his face, hear him breathe, and be able to touch his face. Instead of wondering where he is and if he is thinking about me. I'll be able to come home to a house that smells like his cologne and be able to cook dinner for more then just myself. I will finally be able to gladly accept invitations where other couples will be there, instead of declining as a third wheel. I will be able to have my emotions and my heart back in my chest and not in my stomach when someone mentions missing their boyfriends for the weekend. I will be able to relax on the couch, under the blanket, snuggled on his chest. I won't have to be glued to my phone and cry over a missed phone call or a dead conversation because he can't or won't say anything thats going on over there. We will be able to sit in silence and just be. I can't wait.

I'm really sitting her with tears streaming down my face, knowing that this is really almost over. That all these things will be back in my life and I will no longer have this sick, empty, lonely feeling every night that I sit here by myself.

In the beginning of this journey... I honestly didn't know if I would make it to this point. I didn't think I would be strong enough. I knew what I felt for him, but I didn't know it would carry us through this.

I am so glad it did. It's really almost over.