Pretty Damn Good

I had a chat the other day with a good friend. She was asking how him an I were doing being 2 months into our deployment. She said most couples have already had a few stress fights and start taking the stressors out on each other by now. 

Truth is, deployments are tough. Your forced to deal with things that most people will never have to face. It's a constant battle of trying to keep them in your life and still a part of you, but letting go enough to not go insane. 

Before he left, we had never had a fight. We had no reason to. We were crazy in love and agreed on almost all situations. We had a few differences but nothing that wasn't something we either compromised on or just let go. 

We still don't fight, even two months into this sucky deployment. We have had a couple disagreements, but we are adult enough to know that right now is not the time to be fighting. We need to be supportive and loving. Both of us are going through a lot being separated, that hurts enough. No need to add tension and fighting to the mix. Anything worth fighting about, can be settled when he comes home. There's nothing we can really "settle" right now anyway. So what's the point? 

I love that man. More than I even know was possible. This is the one relationship that I don't want to mess up. I'd say, so far, we are doing pretty damn good.

Yes I get jealous sometimes. Not because I don't trust him, but because I'm jealous of those that can be around him when I can't. I'm sure he gets jealous too that I'm home, hanging out with our friends and doing fun things when he can't. But even still, it's not worth fighting over. 

There is nothing we can do about our situation, so we might as well make the best of it and come out stronger in the end. 

He is my whole world and I will do whatever it take to be at his homecoming, come hell or high water, I'll be there. 

Memorial

My friends woke up this morning and decided they wanted to go home a day early from the beach to spend time with their boyfriends. 

I immediately felt the sting and tried to act casual. I packed my stuff and waited for the ride home. The more I thought about it, the more I felt the burn behind my eyelids. It hurt. I wanted to spend time with my bf too, especially on a Holiday that means so much. 

Coming from a military family, these holidays are always spent with a heavy heart. I am lucky enough to have not ever experienced why we celebrate this holiday. My family has fought, but no one has laid down there life. 

I sulked the entire ride home and was pretty bitter by the time I got home. I came into my room and got on Instagram. Immediately I saw a post from a fellow milso who just recently lost her spouse in Afghan. My heart sank and was so heavy for her. I could not fathom the loss that she feels. 

My soldier is my world. I don't know how I would continue to live with him gone. I don't know how she does it. It really made me step back and think of why I was so bitter. I chose this life because I chose him. I have a hard time letting go of what used to be our normal. Reality is, he's overseas and we have had to adjust to a new normal. I don't like it, but for now, it's only temporary. Something could happen to him, but I have to pray and remain optimistic that he will return to me. Those spouses that have lost their loved ones, have the right to be bitter, I don't. 

My friends live a different kind of life, that is their normal. It's time I accept my new normal and let go of what we used to have, for now. I'd be much happier if I did. Those service members who laid down their lives, gave me the opportunity to continue living my life with him gone, I need to do so. 

Happy Memorial Day. 

New Leaf

I think part of the problem is, I am too focused on trying to get the attention I need from him and getting frustrated and resentful when I know he can't and doesn't give it.

It's Memorial Weekend, I'm down the beach with my friends and I'm too focused on trying to make myself available for when he spends his 10 minutes a day talking to me that I haven't really been having a good time, and that is so wrong on my part. I need to stop and focus on my life an enjoying the moments with my family and friends that I can. All I'm doing is making it harder on him, and hurting myself and my feelings in the process.

I need to stop checking my phone constantly, stop calculating the time difference every time I look at the clock, stop getting upset when he posts on Facebook but doesn't message me, and stop grasping for attention from him. I am going to try to enjoy my time alone while I have it. This is just making everything worse.

Turning off Skype, and I am off to spend time with my friends! :)

Bitter

I haven't posted in awhile and it's because I honestly don't know what to say.

I'm bitter.

He's been there for 5 days now and so far I have been really frustrated with him and the whole situation. My brothers warned me about this I didn't believe them. They said he would be focused, and not have time or energy to put into us. That I would not be a priority anymore. I told them that wasn't possible for us, that we have an amazing relationship. That he loves me and shows me everyday just how much. That things would change, but not like that.

So far, they were right. He's cold, distant, doesn't have much to say and hasn't really asked about what's going on in my life. I send him emails recapping my day, he doesn't respond to anything, he just emails back what he's been doing, and he's very short about it. He says he really not too busy, just meeting the crew they are replaying and learning their new job, but yet he doesn't really seem to have time for me. I'm hurt. I don't know what to say.

I told him its been difficult not talking to him and he said he was sorry. That he thinks about me all the time and he wishes he had more time to talk to me. My milso gfs say that their spouses didn't act like that. That they weren't distant or cold and talked to them often.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to annoy or bother him but I'm bitter. I don't want to demand his attention, because I feel that if he wanted to talk to me he would. I don't know.

It hasn't been a good week.

So Full of Love

By the time this posts, he will be where he needs to be and we can really get this deployment started. For the last 5 weeks he has been stateside for training. While our deployment started back in the beginning of April, it really doesn't start until the entire unit gets where they need to be.

I'm scared, but I'm ready. I'm ready for him and I to get into another routine and to continue to make this not only work, but to be so fulfilling. Even though we may not be physically together, both of us continue to make an effort to make sure the other feels loved. When we are stressed or upset, instead of taking it out on each other, we rely on each other. It's comforting to know we are kicking this deployments ass.

He sent me a message just before take off and I keep looking at it. Being strong isn't just something you have to do. It's something you do because you want to be strong for them. You want them to have one less thing to worry about. You want them to know that while they are worried about their surroundings, they know you are standing strong and holding it down at home.

I love this man so much more then I even knew I could. He challenges my views on life and love and constantly amazes me. He gives me the strength to keep going, but he is definitely my weakness.

I'd wait forever for him, but a year is long enough.

I Remember

Sometimes I lay in bed, scroll through pictures, read past emails and dream about what it will be like when he comes home. I've fantasized about the day he comes home more times then I can count.

It is so easy to succumb to the "woe is me" feelings and I've had many days where it is a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Being away from him has been by far the hardest thing I've ever done and the grief it brings, sometimes is just too much to bare. I get angry at the world, my faith feels like a constant test and just when I think I can't do this anymore, I remember.

I remember our friendship that started when we were 14 years old. I remember passing his neighborhood and wondering where he was in the world. I remember all the times I've typed his name in Facebook looking for him, just to say hey.

I remember the night last year when he tapped me on my shoulder and immediately my stomach twisted and turned in excitement at who was standing in front of me.

I remember the night we had our first date and the kiss that turned my knees weak. The way he looked at me and just like that I knew.

I remember the months we had together before he deployed. The way we naturally fell into this relationship that still amazes me.

I remember the promise I made, the morning he left, the pain of him leaving, the promise he made and the future that is waiting for us.

I may forget what his lips feel like, or the scent of his shaving cream, the way his hand feels in mine, the way his heartbeat sounds when I snuggle on his chest, the way he would look at me when he was feeling mushy...... But I can't forget the promises or those memories, the weekend snuggles, the morning chats, the nights on the couch with a glass of wine, the giggle fits we would get in to, the deep conversations where we shared insecurities, goals, dreams, our future, all those memories, remind me why I wait.

The months that we were together before he left, we had that dark cloud of deployment over us. It was always the elephant in the room. It brought me to tears on so many nights, fearful of what was to come. When he comes home, that cloud will be long gone. We will have survived this deployment so early in our relationship. I am already so proud at how we are kicking this deployments ass.

When he comes home, we will again create more memories, even more beautiful then the ones we've made, the ones that keep me going...

I can't wait.

Then He Makes Me Realize...

I finally sent an email spilling my guts to him. I don't know why I am so hesitant to let him in sometimes. Never once has he made me feel awkward about it. He is always so understanding and nonjudgmental. When I open up to him, he always surprises me and opens up right back. He never ceases to amaze me.

Then I feel like an ass for not trusting in him in the first place.

I am such a lucky girl.

It's just a bad day.

Days like today, I need a punching bag. This post may sound bitter so I'm just going to write and not care what it sounds like. These are real, honest feelings and my goal with this blog is to document everything, and that includes the tough days and things I can't say out loud in fear of upsetting him.

I'm home sick today. I feel horrible. My ulcer is back in full force and no amount of trying to de-stress or cope is helping. I'm feeling needy and agitated today. I would give anything to have him home to snuggle with and I'm angry at myself for even needing that as an option when I know it isn't possible. I'm angry that for the next year my needs are not a priority. I'm upset that the last 4 days have been nothing but one word, short responses from him. I'm upset that I have to initiate conversation and he doesn't. I'm upset that he is always so busy. I'm upset that he tells me my texts throughout the day help him, but in reality he doesn't seem to respond to them. He seems agitated an stressed when I do text him and then I feel like I'm bothering him.

I by no means am angry with him. Im angry at our situation. I'm angry that I have to sit around and act like I am ok and nothing is bothering me. I'm upset that when I am stressed or need him, he is unavailable.

While I'm talking about things that bother me, I might as well get this out too... I'm angry that I can't ever mention marriage. I'm angry that I can't ever make any comments about wanting to marry him or our future together because of his x wife. Obviously our relationship is different or we wouldn't be together. If all the things he says are true, then why do we not talk about marriage. I'm not saying we have to jump right into the altar, Im not even saying I want to get married in the next 5 years, but constantly dancing around the subject so I don't "freak him out" is upsetting. I just want to know its in our future some day. I'm tired of paying for her mistakes. I wouldn't be dealing with a deployment and a year separation if I didn't think this was it for me. Who would actually sign up for this if they knew it wasn't going to end well? I have no doubts about our future and our commitment to each other, which makes not being able to talk about it even more difficult. Holding on to the future is all I have right now. How am I suppose to hold on, if he is unsure of it and where we are headed? I completely understand he is nervous given what he went through, but if he doesn't have more confidence in us and the fact that I'm NOT her, then why am I here?

I have to keep telling myself it's just a bad day. I know he loves me and cares how I'm feeling. I don't like how I feel right now and I hope tomorrow will be better.

Preparing for more changes

Where he is right now, we can still text throughout the day. Shortly, this will not be an option. Because of that I have been trying to prepare myself for it. I think he is too.

I've noticed over the last few days, his responses have taken much longer and are much shorter. Most of the time I feel like I am bothering him because of that. So lately I have been trying not to initiate conversation. I try to let him text me when he has time. Instead of me texting him, hours later getting a short response and me feeling some type of way about it.

Let me tell you how difficult waiting for a text is. I feel like I check my messages and email so much more now just hoping that he has something to say. I am trying my hardest to not be needy or make him feel like I don't have a life outside of us. I have an amazing life and I usually stay very busy. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about him or what he is doing. I know he is always thinking of me and I just have to trust that we will be ok, even if we don't talk all the time. I need to let go of my grip on him a little bit. I hate not knowing what he is doing and what he is thinking or feeling. When he gets where he is going, I won't be able to text or talk to him as often so I better get used to it now. Then it's like a double edge sword and I feel like I need to get it in all now while I still can.

All I know is this journey is full of so many ups and downs, so many mixed emotions and a constant inner battle of being realistic and just wanting to talk to him every second.

Tomorrow we will be one month down. I feel so much stronger then the day he walked away. I hope every month that passes I learn more, and become even stronger then the month before.

Feeling Humble

Sometimes I lay in bed and flip through pictures of him, us, memories we created and I feel so much love and admiration for him. I feel so lucky to be able to share my life with someone who makes me so happy, and feels the same towards me. There are times where I just want to curse this deployment and the separation that we are going through but in reality, it has made our relationship so much better.

Last night I had dinner with an old teacher. I had her when I was in second grade and she is the reason that I became a teacher. This week has been rough with the kids. It is the end of the year, and their patience, along with my own has been running thin. We had dinner and chatted about how my first year of teaching has been, all the ups and downs. This year has been life changing for me. Finally graduating college last year, landing my dream job and working in a school that my entire family has passed through has been surreal. Bumping back into Anthony and falling in love have made this year almost untoppable. Talking with her about how far I have come and the obstacles I have faced and gotten through, was really humbling. We are so quick to get upset with ourselves for still not being where we want, that we forget how far we have already come.

When I was finished with dinner, I met up with one of my milso gf's. We had drinks and talked about our journey so far through our deployments and the men that we are waiting for. We talked about the memories we created before they left. The things we hold on to and the things we dream about while they are gone. We hold on to how things are going to be when they come home and getting back into the normalcy of life with them. I would give anything to be able to wake up beside him, have our morning snuggle and chat, make breakfast and start our routines. I want to badly to come home from work and have him there, waiting to sit on the couch and snuggle with a glass of wine. It's the little things that we miss the most.

Last week was REALLY tough. Probably the toughest one yet. It feels like an eternity since I have smelled his cologne or saw his hair in the sink from him shaving. But I received some really awesome news last week as far as my career goes and it really made me feel that God is still in control. I worry about things and then he proves himself, and I feel like an ass for not having faith in the first place. This week has been so much better. I feel calm. I feel that if I can just continue my life, and know that when he comes, we are going to pick up right where we left off, then I can do this. Of course when he says things like "When I am breathing, I am thinking of you," it makes it so much easier. :)