8 months in

And nights alone, still get to me. I still can't get used to the cold side of the bed, the absence of his scent, the lonely nights just craving his arms around me. It never gets easier. You just sort of deal. 

This week has been eye opening for both of us in terms of our relationship. I'm realizing that his past affects him more then he admits or realizes and he is realizing that some things need to change. Compromise is crucial at this point in order for us to maintain a healthy relationship. I'm so proud of how we both have handled the situation. I didn't blow up at him after weeks of festering, and he didn't snap at me and get defensive. We both just kind of saw it for what it was and promised to continue working on it. 

I love that man.

Last night I had my housewarming dinner party for my best friends and I. A friend pulled me aside and said she is so proud of the person I've become. I've known this girl for 14 years and she's been around for it all. She said a few years ago I would have never been able to handle a deployment. It's just not my personality. She also remembers be always saying I could never date military because I knew I could never be strong enough to handle it. I need constant love and affection. 

She then said... "It's so completely obvious how much you love him and what you are willing to go through to keep what you guys have. That is amazing!" 

Comments like that, make everything worth it, because she's absolutely right. I'm willing to wait an entire year for him, because of those beautiful, three months with him. He changed my views on love, myself, and life. I'd do anything for him. 

When you find what your heart needs, you'd wait forever then settle for just one more day. 

And nights like tonight, when my heart aches for him and my tears are endless, I know it will all be worth it when he returns home to me. 

Just keep holding on

I used to think by the end of a deployment the wives/gfs would probably be freaking out with excitement, planning homecoming outfits, cleaning and more cleaning and bursting with joy the faster the days fly by. 

Now I am in their shoes and it is by far harder then them leaving and the beginning of the deployment.

By this point with just a few months left, anticipation has turned into anxiety, overwhelming feels of just wanting to be over. I'm tired of being lonely. Tired of having to be emotionally independent. Tired of thinking about the homecoming. Tired of missing him. Tired of wondering what it's going to be like with him home.

I'm over it. I'm over the frustration of constantly having to adapt to his schedule. Adapting to his needs, his wants. For once I want him to throw his arms around me and adapt to MY needs, my wants. I'm ready for this deployment to be over. 

I'm sick of him living in my phone, and in my computer. I'm ready for him to live in my arms. I'm sick of the comments from other people who hAve NO IDEA but yet always seem to try to help. I'm sick of seeing other couples together and my arms aching for him. I'm sick of laying in bed with a "cold sheet" side. I'm sick of being lonely and crying in private because no one understands. 

I'm over it. I'm ready for this year long hell to be over.