I miss him

I miss him. That's all. I just miss him and I'm ready for him to come home.

Hope or Stupidity

I've debated writing this post but I vowed to be honest with this journey and documenting it. 

Lately I've been full of resentment and questioning waiting the rest of this deployment. I find myself not even wanting to talk to him. I want to hear from him because I need to know he is safe but it conversations suck. It's so routine. "How was your day?" "What's your plans or the weekend?" Etc. we don't talk about feelings, I'm not allowed. This is not the person I fell in love with and this isn't the journey I signed up for. I'm becoming resentful and questioning why I'm even waiting. 

I've been through a lot. I was with someone for 7 years who I was never allowed to be myself. I wasn't allowed to talk about feelings. I vowed I would never be in that position again. Well here I am, all over again. 

Before he left and the first few months he was gone, he WANTED me to talk about it. He shared stories with me and we would have deep conversations. I fell in love with him because he opened up to me. I felt connected to him. I knew him in places other people didn't. 

Fast forward 5 months in and I've never felt more disconnected. I sent him an email a few weeks ago saying I was having a rough night and he completely ignored it. Never even responded. It put me right back in that 7 year hell hole of feeling rejected. I said something to him and he basically shut me down. Said talking about feelings made him uncomfortable. He wasn't "a feelings guy" and never will be. 

I'm trying to figure out who the person I fell in love was then, cause this certainly isn't him. And I'm positive that person wouldn't have made that comment and made me feel stupid for opening up. Now I'm sitting here wondering who the real person is and what's coming home when he does. 

If this is the real him, I'm not sticking around when he comes home. I'm not going to put myself in another relationship that has no emotions. I need that connection. 

So here I am, half way through a deployment, completely disconnected and feeling like I don't know him at all. I have no idea the person I'm getting when he comes home.

 I feel stupid. 

I know they said deployments change people but I didn't realize it would change one of the biggest things I loved about him. The one thing that made me feel so connected to him. How do you go through a deployment with just casual conversation? Never talking about feelings or connecting on an emotional level? I have no idea how I'm going to do this without creating bitterness and resentment. 

Lord help. 

Worth it

Sometimes I wonder. 

I wonder why I wait, why I lay in bed, alone, night after night, fighting my own demons, convincing myself that one day it will all be worth it. What is it about him that make the tears worth it? The ache in your chest and the lump in your throat when you realize you still have so many more lonely nights ahead. What makes the awkward conversations with friends when they squeal about date nights with their bfs, worth it? What makes holiday weekends spent alone because your friends feel bad about you being the third or fifth wheel, worth it? What makes having exciting days at work worth coming home to an empty house? 

Sometimes I wonder why I do it. The pain of him not being here is almost unbearable sometimes. You try to stay busy and you get really good at convincing yourself you're ok. Friends and family stop asking because the autopilot answer seems convincing enough. 

I wonder what makes the dropped Skype calls and praying to God that it connects for more then 2 minutes so you can get a sentence out without it freezing and disconnecting, worth it. I wonder what makes sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket instead of his arms, worth it. 

Then that Skype call connects and I see his face and all of a sudden, the dark world that I live in seems bright. It gives me hope when I realize how much he needs me to keep holding on. When he talks about past memories and memories he wants to make when he gets home, it strengthens my faith that its worth it. Something's about him, our relationship, his love for me, and mine for him, that keeps me here, waiting, waiting for the other half of my heart to be complete. 

We are almost half way there, just keep swimming.