Deployment Advice- They were right

I remember before he left, I used to search websites, blogs, anything that would give me some insight on what the journey ahead of me was going to be like. I was trying to prepare myself for as much as possible. They all kept telling me to stay busy and look forward to homecoming. I thought that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. How the hell do you stay busy enough to not think about him, to not worry, to not feel the pain of his absence?

Well here I am almost 4 months into a year long deployment and I think I finally get it. The empty pit in your stomach when you lay in bed at night, missing them, never goes away. The feeling you get when you see a couple holding hands in public and your heart breaks a little, that doesn't go away either. You just learn to live with it. You learn to live with the pain because you know it wont last forever, and eventually, life will get back to normal when they return and these feelings will be a distant memory. You hold on to those memories you made before they left and you fantasize about what memories you will create when they get home, but the pain, that never leaves.

You stay busy. You live your life. You work, you spend time with friends and family, you do things that you enjoy and you keep them in your heart, every step of the way. That is honestly, the only way to survive this hell we call deployment.

I remember the night before he deployed and how we laid on the mattress in the living room in front of the tv that was on top of an upside down laundry basket. His apartment complex let him out of his lease for deployment and the rest of his stuff was already in storage. I remember the candle was lit, he was exhausted, the tv was on, and I had what felt like an elephant sitting on my chest. We laid on the bed, snuggled tighter then ever before, trying to stop the clock. I'll never forget the horrific feeling of that night. I knew in a few short hours, I would be dropping him off and would have to let him go. Within seconds of his head hitting that pillow, he was asleep and I was a crying mess. Laying there, rubbing his head, tears strolling down my cheeks, trying not to throw up.

The first month was strictly auto pilot. I jam packed my schedule, forcing myself to keep busy, because that's what everyone told me to do. I was a teacher during the day, and a grad student at night. I did homework and spent time with my friends on weekends and cried myself to sleep every night in between.

Once he was done training, and he got into theater, more change. The hardest part of the beginning of the deployment was getting used to all the changes. Every time we would get into a new routine, it would change and I would be a mess. Finally, we are in the swing of things. He has been over seas since Memorial weekend, I am in the middle of teaching summer school and still going to grad school, and nothing has changed in a while.

I know what to expect, when to expect his messages, when we face time, and I live my life outside of that. I've learned that I have to keep up my life, because he expects me too. Staying in bed, drowning in my sorrow, doesn't do him or me any good and it wont change our situation. I think for a long time I struggled with the guilt of living my life. I felt guilty for being happy and doing things that made me happy, because he cant be here to do those things too. Once I realized how dangerous that was, I picked myself out of bed and back into life. Now not only am I happier, but now we have more to talk about when we do talk because I have lots to update him on. It makes our conversations go smoother and I know he doesn't have to worry about me.

He sent me an email the other morning and I keep reading it. He said that he was thinking about our relationship and why it works. He said because its simple. I love him for who he is, he loves me for who I am and we don't worry about the future. We know we are going to be together and if we hit bad times, we will work it out. He said he is able to focus at work because he knows that I am handling things at home and taking care of myself, he doesn't have to worry. He said it makes his deployment a little bit easier to manage knowing that I am ok.

That gives me all the willpower to keep going. As much of a struggle that this has been, I feel proud that he doesn't really know about it. I remember the advice my brother gave me before he deployed: "dont tell him everything. Men are fixers, if they cant fix it, don't tell them. Keep a diary, talk to your friends, talk to me, do everything you have to do to stay busy and be positive when you do talk to him. Trust me, he will thank you for it." So far, he was absolutely right.....

Stay busy <3

Change

This summer has been rough. Teaching summer school and only taking 1 graduate class hasn't been distracting enough. With me trying to save as much as possible, going out with my friends has also been minimal. I've been praying for a change. 

I had planned to move out at the end of summer, to allow me more time to save up but I knew that I needed the change and prayed for a sooner move out date. Last week I called the apartment complex that I was looking to rent and they had exactly what I was looking for at an affordable rate. Move in date August 2nd. I was approved within a few days and I feel amazing. 

I feel relieved mostly. I've never lived on my own, never been able to afford it. I spent so many years with my X that I never needed to worry about just my income. When I left him, I felt that I would never have anything to offer a partner financially. My house and that split destroyed my credit. I moved back in with mom not only to fix my credit, pay off my car and my lawyer, but also because that was the only option I had. I'm beyond grateful to have had that as an opportunity but the independent in me was bruised. I felt like a loser living at home with Mom at 28 years old and a failed 7 year relationship/engagement. The last year I have been able to pay off my car, my lawyer, not take out student loans for an entire school year and start to rebuild my credit. For that, I am beyond thankful. 

When the apartment complex said that I was approved, I felt like for once, I had control back of my life. That I secured a place to live not only for myself, but for my soldier when he comes home. I was stressed that I wouldn't be able to do that for him. I know he doesn't care but still, I feel like I am contributing to this relationship financially. I've never been able to say that before. 

I move in next week and my head is spinning with excitement. MY OWN place! I've never had that before. I can't wait to welcome my soldier back home. It's going to be amazing! 

100 day.

Today is 100 days since he left. I've been so busy the last few days that it kind of snuck up on me. 

As I lay here alone as usual, thinking about all that has changed since that morning I dropped him off, I can't help but feel pride. There have been days where it took every ounce of my courage to roll out of bed and start my day, but with each passing day, it becomes a little less of a struggle. It honestly never gets easier, you just learn to live with the pain. 

It feels good to finally put a good chunk of time behind us. We are almost 1/3 of the way there. No matter how hard some days seem, time consistently keeps moving, even when we don't feel like it does. Thank God for that. 

We haven't really talked much the last two weeks. I've been really busy with summer school and grad school and he has been busy at work. I have been trying to keep my distance and keep my feelings to my self. Honestly, I like it better this way. Feelings are a foreign thing for me and trying to face them and deal with all of it at the same time is too much. I think it is for him too. So both of us are refraining from the emotional talks and just keeping it light. He has a job to do, and I need to carry on with my life while he does that. Feelings are irrelevant, I'll be here when he comes home no matter how I'm feeling on any given day. No need to tell him every time I miss him or am having a tough day. He knows its not easy and there is nothing he can do to fix it. 

With that said, I'm proud of us. It hasn't been easy, but we just put 100 days behind us. I'm excited to get through 200+ more and welcome him home. The new school year is coming up soon and with that comes lots of work and energy. I'm excited! I'll be transferring to a new school with my principal and my old teammate. I can't wait to see what's in store! 

I feel blessed tonight. Blessed that time keeps moving, and that even though each day is not easy, we both continue to make progress and get through it. I can't wait to hold him. 100 days closer! 

It's so Easy

It is so easy to come home from work, put on his Tshirt and curl into bed for the rest of the day. It's become way too easy to say no to going out with my friends and curl in bed instead. It's even easier to put on his Tshirt instead of gym clothes and curl into bed. It's easy to get upset with people and take my sadness out on them. 

I went out with my friend Nicole on Sunday and it reminded me how much fun life can be when Im out of bed. 

It reminded me that I made several goals while he is away and I need to get on them. I'm actively pursuing my masters degree. I have 6 classes left and will graduate in May. I made a fitness goal that I am horrible at staying motivated to do. 

I need to get back to life. Laying in bed and being sad will not bring him home any sooner. 

I have a homework/dinner date with another gf from his unit tonight. Walk date with another friend on Wednesday, and day date with another friend on Friday. I'm getting back to my life, starting this week. :) 

Reality check

Sometimes I forget where he is. As if he is away from me and on vacation somewhere. A part of me thinks it's my way of coping with the fear of this deployment. I forget that while we are in a relationship, it isn't and shouldn't be his priority. His safety and those around him should be.

I've been hard on him. I normally keep my emotions to myself until the last minute, then unfortunately he gets the fall out. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Then I get upset and sometimes even angry with him when he doesn't reciprocate the way I expect him too. 

News of danger will put anyone back in check. I should be grateful that I hear from him as much as I do, period. Who cares what we talk about. I just feel extremely grateful to have him in my life. Even though this deployment is tough, I still know he is with me, maybe not physically, but he is always in my heart. 

I can't wait to hold him when he gets home. 

I wonder

As usual I can't sleep. I start summer school tomorrow morning and I have to be up in 5 hrs. But I lay here consumed with a thousand thoughts instead. 

I wonder if he hurts as much as I do or if his training stops him from feeling, to just ignore and push it aside. I wonder if when he crawls into bed at night, his arms ache at the loneliness of not holding me. I wonder if little things throughout the day remind him of me and he has to choke back the burning behind his eyelids. I wonder if when he opens his care packages, does the scent of home knot his stomach up because he misses it so much. I wonder if he lays in bed and struggles to keep the tears at bay as he scrolls through pictures and listens to my "see ya later" video. I wonder if he has moments where he just aches to be back home with be, if this hurts him as much as it does me. 

I wonder if he feels at all. He tells me he misses and loves me, but something about it seems rehearsed. He used to open up to me, when he was home, and when he was at Bliss but once he got over there, he hardened up. I have to ask and basically force things out of him. Of course I get the usual "I don't have time to think." 

I wonder if he knows that he is my first thought every morning and the last at night. If he knows that it takes hours to fall asleep because I keep scrolling through pictures, trying to remember the way he used to look at me. Angry at myself because for months I've been trying to forget as a way to stop the pain, angry that I now forget certain things all together. I wonder if he knows how every little thing reminds me of him and how it takes all of my strength to choke back the tears and force myself to smile. I wonder if he knows how much I've changed, if he has noticed or not, how much stronger I am, or that I let everyone believe. I wonder if he knows how hard I have to work to stay busy, to try to take my mind off of him, even just for a minute, to give my heart a break. I wonder if he knows how hard this deployment has been on "the waiting side." I'm left here, in all the places we spent our time, surrounded by the people we spent our time with, surrounded by his memories, our memories, trying to keep a routine, trying to open up to people enough to not feel so alone, but knowing they don't understand and you really are alone. Trying to keep my own identity, doing things that I enjoy, going to places that I love with people I love and wishing for just one second, he was there with me, holding my hand. I wonder if he knows how hard it is to be happy for friends when they start a new relationship and want to tell me all about it when all I can think about is how I forget what that feels like. How I forget what it's like to sit on the couch, snuggled in his arms, without a care in the world. I wonder if he knows that I worry about what he will be like when he comes home. If he will keep this hardened, soldier role or if maybe he opens up to let me back in. I wonder if I'm what he expects when he returns, if I'm the same girl he fell in love with, because I don't feel like her. I wonder if the nightmares will stop when he gets home or that he will know I lied when he asked me if they had and I told him yes. 

I wish that he could just tell me if this is hard for him. I feel like I'm the only one who struggles. I hate being the only one who seems to be affected, which makes me not want to open up. It feels so one sided. I keep checking my email, just to see if for once, there is an email where he opens up. 

I wonder if he knows that this is why I said I would never date military. But, I wonder if he knows how worth it he is to me. How all of this, is worth it, even when it is so damn hard. 

Dreams are changing

Children have been my passion since I was knee high. I remember I was in second grade, staring at my teacher in awe at how cool it must be to be a teacher. From then on, it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. 

I had a plan; to buy a house, finish my bachelors degree, get married, start my masters and then have two kids, back to back. By the time my kids would turn 3, I would have my masters and life would be perfect. 

As I became an adult, got into college, bought a house and settled down with my then fiancé, I wanted my own children. Ive always wanted kids. I was excited that I chose the perfect career that would allow me to be home with my kids on weekends and summers. As the years went on, I wanted children so badly. I kept telling myself that once I received my degree, and got married, I would do just that. I was hell bent on doing it the right way. 

When that relationship fell apart, I changed. I wanted independence and my own identity. I wanted to learn who I was and love her. The last two years I've grown to figure out who I am and I love me. I love who I am and the people I choose to keep in my life. I can grab my keys and go wherever, whenever with whoever. 

When I started teaching last year, my ideas of my future changed. I'm around children all day long, every day. I interact with their parents and I'm involved in our community. I see the struggles that parents go through in order to keep their kids happy and healthy. I see the sacrifices they make in order for that to happen. Lets be honest, we live in a messed up world. There is a lot of crappy parenting going on which results in some pretty unstable children. The more I see, the less I want kids. I'm 28 years old now and my plan is royally in the trash. My idea of my future has changed so much. 

When I bumped back into Anthony I was ready for a relationship, but not much else. I was still loving my independence and finding out who I was. I was excited to reconnect with an old friend, but when the heart got involved, my future again changed. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't feeling this way for him. Hell, he was one of my best friends in school. He knew me, the old me, the person I thought was long gone. Back then I stood up for myself and was spunky, full of life and never let anyone take it from me. My dreams were mine and nothing got in the way of that. Somewhere along my 7 year relationship, that was lost. I was manipulated and walked all over. The only thing I refused to let go of was my passion for teaching. When that relationship fell apart, finishing my degree was what pulled me through it, it was my focus. Now, teaching is my world. I feel like I have a purpose, like that is what I was meant to do. 

Then there is Anthony. I have no doubts that we will be together. He is absolutely my future. What that looks like now, I'm not sure. I used to love the idea of marriage. Being with one person for all of your life. Growing old together and having that trust that only forms after years of being by each others side. But the older I get, the more I see, the less I believe that marriage truly is forever. I don't know any marriage that hasn't failed or is happy. It seems like once people sign those papers, start having children, they become miserable. Fighting over money, responsibilities, losing sight of the love that started it all. Why would anyone want to get married these days if that always seems to be the outcome? I'm finally living a life that I love, with someone that I'm completely in love with, and I feel that marriage and kids will ruin that. 

Add the military career in to it, and I've got a list a mile long as to why I don't want children. Anthony chose the military, I chose him, if we had kids, they don't have a choice. They inherit this life. They get to live with deployments, trainings, a dad who at the drop of a hat has to go to work, no questions asked, a mom who might not be able to keep it together and be strong for them. That's not fair to them. 

I don't know if my views on this will change in the future, they could. My views have already changed once. All I know is right now I'm being selfish. It may be because my love is deployed, but I don't want to share him. Ever. I want to wake up on the weekends, roll over, snuggle with the love of my life, cook breakfast and soak up his love doing whatever it is we decide to do that day. 

Right now my dream is just to be honest about what I want. I want Anthony and no outside stressors. Just me and him and our love. That's it. 

Regret

Sometimes I lay in bed and think of all the things I wish I could have done differently. 

The months leading up to the deployment I can honestly say that I did everything in my power to savor every moment I had with him. I know that I made sure he felt my love. 

The week leading up the the deployment is a different story. I was a mess. I tried so hard to keep it together that at the last minute, I cracked. I wish I could take that week back. I'd be stronger, I'd savor those last moments, I hold on a little tighter instead of pushing him away because I was scared. 

I remember sitting on the floor of the living room, could barely breathe I was crying so hard. He just held me. I told him that the months leading up to it I was fine because I knew I had more time. All of a sudden I was out of time and I was a wreck. I regret that moment more then anything. I regret not being strong for him. 

I wish I wouldn't have went shopping the day he packed up his apartment. I wish I would have been strong enough to do it with him. Those hours I can't back.

Holidays

I've always been really big into holidays and birthdays. I make it a point to have fun and surround myself with people I enjoy. 

Fourth of July was tough. I didn't make plans because of what happened on Memorial Weekend and I didn't want to surround myself with people who weren't a little bit sympathetic or understanding. I laid at the pool with one of my teacher friends. Then a girlfriend from the unit asked to meet up for a drink to toast our men. Then I went home, put in ear phones to drown own the sound of the fireworks and went to sleep. 

It's tough when the excitement of holidays are replaced with loneliness and sadness. I just want to be with him. I find it unfair that everyone else gets to celebrate their day with friends and family because of what's he is doing and yet we don't even get to be together. It's hard. I try to be positive about it because I did chose him and I know this life came with it. But it doesn't make this journey any easier. 

I just miss him. Days like today my heart just aches for him. Some days I still can't believe that this is my life. Waiting for someone for a year. Putting myself through this emotional roller coaster because I know how worth it he is. 

I just want him to come home so we can put our lives back together. For my bf to stop living in my phone and in my arms again. 

Three months down. 8 to go. 

Random

Today was his birthday. He received his birthday package a few days ago. I sent some silly string and water guns along with the usual fitness stuff so he could unwind and have a little fun with his guys. It was so good to see him smile and loosen up.  

The second I hit the accept button on face time, my heart starts pounding. I got two full hours today! Seeing his beautiful, cheesy smile on the other end does something to me. It reminds me why I'm on the other side of the world, waiting. I love him. 

A milso friend of mine is flying out here for New Years so we can toast to the near end of this sucky deployment. I don't know what I would do without her. 

We are officially 1/4 of the way through this deployment. Fuck yes.