Tears are strength

Some nights, when the world seems a little darker and my heart feels heavy, I cry. I just lay in bed, listen to music and let my tears say what my lips can't. Tears are a release. They help my heart deal with all the emotions that go with this deployment. Most days, I don't talk about it. There really isn't anything to say. My friends don't understand and my family just tells me to deal. Coming from military family, you would think they would be the most comforting, but no, we don't show emotion. 

My brother came home from swim qual the other day and caught me with tears in my eyes. He didn't know what to do. I could see the shock in his eyes and the question on his face. I told him Anthony didn't want to talk and I could barely get the sentence out before tears strolled down my face. I hurried up and shut the bathroom door before I embarrassed myself any more. 

Tears and prayer are the only thing that get me through each day. Lately I've been talking to a milso friend and talking about it with her helps so much. To have someone that understands is such a relief. To understand all the emotions that go with it, the good and the bad. 

I'm learning that tears aren't a weakness, but a sign that you are still fighting, still holding on. With each tear that falls, a little bit of strength replaces it. 

I know that this deployment will come to an end, it won't last forever. We still have a long way to go, but with each day that passes, we are one day closer. 

Tonight, tears may fall, but it will give me strength to get back up and fight for tomorrow. 

Keep fighting

Everything I knew about myself is either being challenged or changing. I'm adapting and learning. The struggle is part of the journey. It's what makes the greatest changes; to struggle, to learn, to challenge yourself. To step out of your comfort zone and test your faith, test your strength and test your determination to succeed.

Yesterday, I was beyond my breaking point. I felt that I couldn't go on another second feeling so much pain and anxiety. I've been feeling not like a priority, more like an obligation to him. I've tried to tell him, but I guess my attempt fell short because nothing came of it. I have a hard time with telling him I need more. I don't want him to take his focus off of his job. I want him to come home to me. I'm afraid if I take too much from him, something will go wrong, he'll loose focus and get hurt. I NEED him to come home. I'm not used to needing anyone's attention. 

In my past relationship, when things upset me, I just ignore it and move on. It's been my way of coping. I NEVER talk about feelings or emotions. It's a foreign topic. 

I reached out to a fellow milso yesterday. She told me to tell him, to open up and let him in on my feelings. Like really tell him. Communication is the only way we are going to get through this. She's right. My days of ignoring and moving on are over. 

I thought about it and the outcome if I keep trying to act like I'm ok. I will lose him. This will not work. The deployment will win and our relationship will fail. 

He texted me yesterday with "had a long day, just going to bed, talk to you tomorrow, love you" and that's all it took for the breakdown. I didn't respond. How do you respond when you feel completely broken? When you don't get what you need but you can't open up and tell him you need more. 

He texts me a few minutes later (I think he knew something was wrong) and actually wanted to face time. Of course when my face is swollen, red and snotty from having a meltdown. I hit the accept button and the second I saw his face, the world seemed to be less dark. Something in his smile, his beautiful, dark eyes, that just make the world seem right again. 

I told him how I felt and he told me that I HAVE to be honest and tell him or he won't know and things won't change. He always knows just want to say. I have no idea why I just can't open up. He never responds with anything but love and understanding. 

All it takes is 10 minutes of his beautiful face, and I feel like I can do this again. My big girl panties are back on. He keeps reminding me why I fell in love with him. He makes me challenge myself. He pushes me out of my comfort zone and into a whole new world of honesty and love. He makes me want to fight for this, because I know how worth it will be in the end. I'm sure this won't be the last time I internalize things and he has to pick me back up. But I'm glad that I have someone so amazing that is growing and learning with me. 

Deployments are beyond hard. But when you find something that is irreplaceable, you fight and you fight hard, to do what you have to do to keep your head above water. I love him, so I'll keep fighting. 

Oh the joys of Deployment

Technology is a double edged sword. I am so glad we have it and can use it, but  right now I wish I didn't have it. 

We only text and every once in awhile, email. No phone calls, rarely face time and no Skype. It is almost impossible to feel or see emotions through emails and texts. I feel like if I don't get home from NC and get busy right away, I'm going to have a meltdown. I tried to tell him that I need to see his face, I need to hear his voice, I need to see the emotions in his eyes when we talk....but he isn't listening and resentment is creeping in. It's too the point where I don't have anything to say during our "text session" every day because I'm becoming even more bitter.  

I don't understand, if face time is an option, why would he rather text then see my face? I know he isn't, and this is my own insecurity but it makes me feel like he's hiding something. I hate this. I hate this deployment and how it's changed us. I hate that I'm becoming resentful and bitter. 

THIS is why I don't date military. This is exactly what I knew would happen because I've seen it a thousand times with my brothers. I was just naive enough to think it wouldn't happen to me, to us, because our relationship was amazing before he left. 

I couldn't sleep last night so I went scrolling through old text messages. Bad idea. It made me even more upset because I miss that side of him. I miss the cute little messages he would send. I miss the sweet, doting side that I fell in love with. Right now I have the cold, emotionless, soldier side and I hate it. 

How am I going to do this for 8 more months?? 

I need to get home and get busy. This being on vacation thing is making it so much worse. 

Superwoman found her kryptonite

I haven't posted in a while. I've been trying to get settled in a routine now that school is out and I have to be honest, it's been very difficult. 

One of the hardest things to deal with is expectations. We both were excited that school was out and we would be able to face time more often since I wouldn't be working when he is available. I assumed that since we normally text every day for about 30 minutes, that we could now just face time instead. Umm wrong. 

The last week or so he has been exhausted, not really wanting to face time and to be honest, it's heart breaking. I've tried to keep my emotions at bay and remind myself it's not about me, he's just tired. But sometimes pep talking myself doesn't work. 

Last Friday, we had planned to face time. I did my hair, make up, looked cute and he was late messaging me. He was too tired and didn't want to face time. I broke down. It took everything in me not to snap at him. I know it's not his fault and I'm glad I didn't react how I felt. I waited until the next day to let him know that I need that time with him. Sometimes I need to see his face and watch him talk. I sometimes forget what his voice sounds like or how his lips curve when he talks. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss him. It physically hurts. 

I had my wisdom teeth pulled this week and for the most part I've been pretty out of it. I had all 4 pulled and 3 were impacted, so it was and still is pretty painful. I've been forced to stay home and relax, something I don't like. When in home, I think, and that is never a good thing. I had a pool day with Laura yesterday and felt bad that I wasn't all that available to talk to him. As usually, he said he was tired, so I took that as him not wanting to talk and let it go. Today, I had a ton of errands to run to get ready for our road trip tomorrow. I decided to stay home and work on his birthday care package instead so I could face time him if he wanted to. 

Of course, he didn't want to. And of course I cried. 

Deployments suck. Plain and simple. It's a constant struggle between living your life and trying to stay busy, but also being available when they actually want to talk, which isn't very often. I can't even imagine the struggles he goes through, or how exhausted he really is because he doesn't ever really tell me. I try to stay positive and upbeat so he doesn't worry. 

I think they underestimate how much we really need them. Yes I have a great life that keeps me busy while he's away, but I need him so much more then I like to admit. I'm thinking I need to stop being so tough and acting like I'm superwoman and tell him how much I actually need him..

What the Heart wants..

It's mind boggling to me sometimes how I am able to just adapt to each new situation that gets thrown my way. I was the girl who always said "I will NEVER date military" because I know the struggles those relationships face from watching my brothers. I always said that because I thought I knew myself before him. In the past, this sort of relationship would not fulfill me. I absolutely needed that constant affection and reassurance from my significant other. I needed that daily, one on one relationship. Cheating has always been a big issue in past relationships and from what I've heard, military relationships are so much worse because of the distance. 

But as soon as I bumped into him, all that went out the door. I fell for him very quickly and I fell hard. We have 14 years of friendship as our backup and I absolutely love this guy. I feel more for him in the 3 months we spent together, then the 7 years I spent with my x. That says a lot. 

He went off base last week and I thought I would be a wreck. But I was calm, and I had faith. Those few days that he was out, I just focused on school and grad school and patiently waited for a message saying he was back. I completely surprised myself on how much I was ok with the situation. Of course I was worried and I prayed a little harder those nights, but I'm confident that he feels what I feel and he will return home to me. 

Our communication consists of a few texts messages around noon each day (his night time). I don't talk to him any other time. So naturally I look forward to those few messages each day. We have only been able to face time once in 3 weeks and no phone calls yet. Typically this wouldn't be ok with me. Normally I need more than that. But with him, it's so different. As long as I know he's ok, and he loves me, I'm content. 

Today he messaged me and said he was exhausted and was going right to bed. It took me a second to choke back the tears because I was in front of my students, but I just said ok. What else can you do? No need to give him shit for being exhausted. Just gotta hope I'll be able to talk to him tomorrow. 

If this were me 3 years ago, this relationship would be done. But I have learned not only so much about relationships, but I've learned that I have so much going on in my life to look forward to besides this relationship. 

This year is allowing me to grow as a person and to learn how to balance my life with this relationship. It would be so easy to sit home and anxiously wait for every message or email. It can completely overtake your life if you let it. But when I know he is busy, I just get even busier. I focus on school, my students and grad school. 

I guess when the heart wants something, it does what it has to, to survive. I can't wait to see how far we come through this sucky deployment.