This past week has been eye opening for me, especially about my relationship with him. He is preparing to leave for FiTG this week and I am headed to California today to visit my brother. It's Thursday, I haven't seen him since Monday and I won't see him until possibly Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Honestly, this sucks.
I don't want to be that girl that constantly needs to hear his voice or get a cute text throughout the day but I do miss it already and he hasn't even left yet.
I don't know how to tell him I need him, especially after that conversation last week about how girls need and guys want. But, I need to know he's thinking of me, I need to hear that he cares. He is so good at telling me and showing me when we are physically together, but I have a feeling that the separation is going to be a whole new battle. I don't want him to feel like I am this needy, dependent, annoying girl, but a text asking about my day just isn't making me feel warm inside.
I am going to go on vacation and have some fun with my brother. I am going to try to distract myself and let him be a soldier. My feelings are the last thing he should be worried about right now as he prepares for a year long deployment.
Ugh.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Cryfest
This weekend was full of emotions that I am still sorting through. We spent the weekend together and as always, I love him even more with every second I spend with him. It's like, this is exactly how it should be. THIS is what amazing, soul awakening, earth shattering love feels like. This is what people sing about, what authors write about, what makes the world go round and at 27, I am finally feeling all of it. For once in my life, I'm not seeing a thousand red flags, or have that annoying gut feeling that it's all wrong. I'm content and completely happy. He seems to make everything in my head, calm.
With all these amazing emotions comes fear. For the first time, I cried over something he said. It shook me up and I was really in full blown tears over it. The tears and emotions took me by surprise. I'm used to my tough personality and normally I would have just said a few curse words at him and kept it moving. Of course what he said came out all wrong, and as usual I took it completely the wrong way and it was a total communication fail. But just the thought that he doesn't care or want me was enough to send me into hysteria. When I get upset or angry, I just get quiet. He noticed and of course we talked through my cry fest as I tried to calm myself down.
I'm scared. Of quite a few things actually.
I'm scared that he doesn't care or love me as much as I love him. (Sounds childish right?)
I'm scared that because of his past, he won't fight for me if something went wrong. I'm scared that he won't care enough to keep me around and work at it.
I'm scared that when he gets over seas, he will forget about me because I won't be apart of his every day life.
I'm scared that his feelings will change after being apart for so long.
I'm scared that our communication will not be what I need or expect and I will get resentful of the situation and him.
I'm scared that he will be so busy and having his head in his work and his environment that we won't have a relationship.
I'm scared because I know that everything I love about him and our relationship is
going to change.
I'm scared that my insecurities and flaws are going to freak when he leaves/ is gone.
What if he cheats? What if he is too busy to talk for months on end? What if he doesn't miss me? What if he doesn't want to call or Skype? What if I can't do this? What if I can't give him what he needs while he is gone? What if our communication isn't good enough and neither get what we need?
I know these are normal, but being this vulnerable and emotional is scary.
I'll be leaving for California this week to see my brother get married, he will be away doing some training for two weeks a well. Two weeks apart is going to be difficult but I guess it's preparation for what is to come.
Lord please give me strength.
With all these amazing emotions comes fear. For the first time, I cried over something he said. It shook me up and I was really in full blown tears over it. The tears and emotions took me by surprise. I'm used to my tough personality and normally I would have just said a few curse words at him and kept it moving. Of course what he said came out all wrong, and as usual I took it completely the wrong way and it was a total communication fail. But just the thought that he doesn't care or want me was enough to send me into hysteria. When I get upset or angry, I just get quiet. He noticed and of course we talked through my cry fest as I tried to calm myself down.
I'm scared. Of quite a few things actually.
I'm scared that he doesn't care or love me as much as I love him. (Sounds childish right?)
I'm scared that because of his past, he won't fight for me if something went wrong. I'm scared that he won't care enough to keep me around and work at it.
I'm scared that when he gets over seas, he will forget about me because I won't be apart of his every day life.
I'm scared that his feelings will change after being apart for so long.
I'm scared that our communication will not be what I need or expect and I will get resentful of the situation and him.
I'm scared that he will be so busy and having his head in his work and his environment that we won't have a relationship.
I'm scared because I know that everything I love about him and our relationship is
going to change.
I'm scared that my insecurities and flaws are going to freak when he leaves/ is gone.
What if he cheats? What if he is too busy to talk for months on end? What if he doesn't miss me? What if he doesn't want to call or Skype? What if I can't do this? What if I can't give him what he needs while he is gone? What if our communication isn't good enough and neither get what we need?
I know these are normal, but being this vulnerable and emotional is scary.
I'll be leaving for California this week to see my brother get married, he will be away doing some training for two weeks a well. Two weeks apart is going to be difficult but I guess it's preparation for what is to come.
Lord please give me strength.
Friday, February 15, 2013
First Valentine's Day
Our VDay was perfect. It was us and I loved every second of it.
We stayed in, had coal fired pizza, wine and lots of snuggle couch time.
These are the nights that I crave. I crave his affection and his sweet words like nothing I've ever craved before. He whispers sweet things and genuinely means them. He adores me the most in the morning and when I'm lounging in leggings and a T-shirt.
I love him. Everything about him. Especially the way he loves me.
He sent a bear and chocolates to work (not a big fan of flowers, they die) and I made a jar of 75 "reisens" why I love him :) he adores my corniness.
We stayed in, had coal fired pizza, wine and lots of snuggle couch time.
These are the nights that I crave. I crave his affection and his sweet words like nothing I've ever craved before. He whispers sweet things and genuinely means them. He adores me the most in the morning and when I'm lounging in leggings and a T-shirt.
I love him. Everything about him. Especially the way he loves me.
He sent a bear and chocolates to work (not a big fan of flowers, they die) and I made a jar of 75 "reisens" why I love him :) he adores my corniness.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Perfect
We had an impromptu date night last night and the only word that keeps popping in my brain is, perfect.
We went to dinner, came home, relaxed on the couch and watched tv. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was beautiful. We laughed, we talked, we were just us.
I woke up this morning with this overwhelming feeling of contentment. He makes me so happy and I want to spend every waking second with him.
I try my hardest not to let the number of days we have left flood my thoughts. He deploys in April and it makes my stomach twist with sickening knots just thinking about him being gone for an entire year.
The craziest thing about all of this is, this mushy, emotional side of my personality is so new to me. I'm used to being independent in life and in emotions. I'm not used to feeling emotionally needy about anyone. I have an amazingly full life with a career that is fulfilling. I have amazing friends and family that keep me grounded. I have so many things that I love about my life, but something about him makes me want to check out of it and soak up all of his time. That is not me and I am trying my hardest to keep thinking rationally about balancing my life and him, but so far, rationalizing anything to do with him is out the window.
This diary is going to be a way for me to talk and get out my mushy side. I can't let him see me so needy. Especially while he is preparing for a deployment.
Him, me, us... It's perfect.
We went to dinner, came home, relaxed on the couch and watched tv. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was beautiful. We laughed, we talked, we were just us.
I woke up this morning with this overwhelming feeling of contentment. He makes me so happy and I want to spend every waking second with him.
I try my hardest not to let the number of days we have left flood my thoughts. He deploys in April and it makes my stomach twist with sickening knots just thinking about him being gone for an entire year.
The craziest thing about all of this is, this mushy, emotional side of my personality is so new to me. I'm used to being independent in life and in emotions. I'm not used to feeling emotionally needy about anyone. I have an amazingly full life with a career that is fulfilling. I have amazing friends and family that keep me grounded. I have so many things that I love about my life, but something about him makes me want to check out of it and soak up all of his time. That is not me and I am trying my hardest to keep thinking rationally about balancing my life and him, but so far, rationalizing anything to do with him is out the window.
This diary is going to be a way for me to talk and get out my mushy side. I can't let him see me so needy. Especially while he is preparing for a deployment.
Him, me, us... It's perfect.
That IT feeling
Have you ever had that gut feeling where you know, this is it? Like, the IT feeling?
People would always tell me, you will know, you'll feel IT.
If you are anything like me, you have a list. Things and qualities that special person must have. I have been through a lot and have used those experiences to generate my list of expectations.
I used this list to date. If they weren't 6' tall and Italian with x, y, and z they were automatically off the radar. I have even dated someone who had everything on my list, but no sparks. Maybe it was a shield, maybe not, who knows.
When I met HIM, the list made sense. It's like my list was him. Somehow subconsciously I created a list of HIM. He had everything on it AND that IT feeling you get deep down in your gut.
Screw the list. Even if he didn't have everything on it, that gut, that IT feeling was enough to stop me in my tracks, and it did.
I knew it the first time we were together. The looks, the conversation, the giggles, the flush cheeks, it was inevitable.
I knew it because I had that feeling that bubbles in your belly and you instantly melt when they look at you.
The way a conversation flows and always ends in "me too!"
The way your mind races and your body turns to mush when they kiss you.
The way their hands cup your face and the sparkle in their eyes when they go to kiss you and how it speaks VOLUMES about what they are feeling and thinking.
The way your mind can never put any other image in your brain other then that sparkle in their eyes and it completely distracts everything you do.
The way your stomach knots up when you know you are going to see them that day. The anticipation and giddy giggles that somehow leak out of your mouth on said day.
The way someone mentions their name and it instantly puts a Texas size grin on your face and there is no denying that you have completely fallen in love.
Now... I understand when people say, you just know. You get that gut feeling and you just know IT.
The ironic part, he was my friend in high school, 10 years ago. We hung out, listened to music and generally hated the world together through our teenage years. Then he left and went into the service. I though about him over the years and how he was doing but never thought THIS would happen.
It's amazing how 10 years, some life experiences and a kiss will change your life and produce that IT feeling.
People would always tell me, you will know, you'll feel IT.
If you are anything like me, you have a list. Things and qualities that special person must have. I have been through a lot and have used those experiences to generate my list of expectations.
I used this list to date. If they weren't 6' tall and Italian with x, y, and z they were automatically off the radar. I have even dated someone who had everything on my list, but no sparks. Maybe it was a shield, maybe not, who knows.
When I met HIM, the list made sense. It's like my list was him. Somehow subconsciously I created a list of HIM. He had everything on it AND that IT feeling you get deep down in your gut.
Screw the list. Even if he didn't have everything on it, that gut, that IT feeling was enough to stop me in my tracks, and it did.
I knew it the first time we were together. The looks, the conversation, the giggles, the flush cheeks, it was inevitable.
I knew it because I had that feeling that bubbles in your belly and you instantly melt when they look at you.
The way a conversation flows and always ends in "me too!"
The way your mind races and your body turns to mush when they kiss you.
The way their hands cup your face and the sparkle in their eyes when they go to kiss you and how it speaks VOLUMES about what they are feeling and thinking.
The way your mind can never put any other image in your brain other then that sparkle in their eyes and it completely distracts everything you do.
The way your stomach knots up when you know you are going to see them that day. The anticipation and giddy giggles that somehow leak out of your mouth on said day.
The way someone mentions their name and it instantly puts a Texas size grin on your face and there is no denying that you have completely fallen in love.
Now... I understand when people say, you just know. You get that gut feeling and you just know IT.
The ironic part, he was my friend in high school, 10 years ago. We hung out, listened to music and generally hated the world together through our teenage years. Then he left and went into the service. I though about him over the years and how he was doing but never thought THIS would happen.
It's amazing how 10 years, some life experiences and a kiss will change your life and produce that IT feeling.
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