My New Years Resolution

The holidays are about spending time with the ones you love, creating memories and appreciating the things that matter the most. When you have a spouse deployed, there is no greater feeling of worry, desperation, fear, loneliness and pride. It is a constant roller coaster of emotions and the holidays heighten those emotions. You feel so lonely and guilty. You try your absolute hardest to put a smile on your face and appreciate the time spent with family, but there is the biggest hole in your heart wishing they could be home. 

I remember the night before he left, laying down, staring at him, begging God to keep him safe and bring him home to me. Praying that I would be strong enough to endure this journey with him and mentally preparing myself for what was to come. With 2 brothers in the service, I thought this would be just like them leaving. I've been down this road before and I knew what to expect; the spotty internet, communication issues, dangerous missions, months of routine and staying busy, and the emotions leading up to homecoming. Now that we are at the end of the deployment, I have no idea how I survived it. It has been the hardest, most exhausting journey I have ever been on. 

We are getting ready to come into the new year and counting down the weeks until his return. This year my new years resolution is simple: to wrap my arms around him and love him the best I can. To show him everyday that he was worth every single second of separation and tears. To nurture the amazing relationship that we started when he left and make it even stronger once he gets home. 

Deployments suck, but they teach you so much about yourself, and your relationship. They make you appreciate the little things and savor every moment with them. Savor the moments with the one you love, appreciate them or who they are and let go of the little stuff. In the end, it doesn't matter anyway.

Coping through a deployment

I have been asked several times "How do you do it?" "How do you handle a deployment, especially so early in your relationship?" Sometimes I answer with "you just do!" But lately I've really been thinking about all the things that help me cope with him being gone. We are almost 9 months in and the end is in sight. Each day brings me closer to homecoming and also brings a bit more strength. I thought I would make a list of things that have helped me get this far...

1. FRIENDS! They keep me busy and having fun. I have the best friends in the world and we have a blast together. We laugh, we share hard times, good times, lots of food and wine, but more importantly, they are always there to give me a hug and tell me to keep my chin up. Sometimes they cry with me other times they keep my mind off of it. A few girls in particular always have exactly the right words, or hug to get me through. 

2. My career. I'm a teacher and I absolutely am in love with it. I wake up every morning excited to see my kids and make them laugh and vice versa. I work with a very tough group of third graders who need so much love and compassion as much as an education. They absolutely keep me going. When communication with my love is minimal or the deployment is getting to us, I throw myself into my career and my students and I, we have such great days. Teaching is time consuming, stressful, emotionally draining, but oh so worth it. Walking into my classroom in the morning and getting swarmed with weekend stories and hugs is the highlight of my day. They make me feel needed and loved as a teacher. 

3. Care packages. Thinking of themes, getting the supplies, sending him my love in a box... It makes my heart beat faster. He is the love of my life and words don't do justice for how much I feel for him. Care packages are my way of showing him that the girl he left behind.. Is still here, loving him and supporting him every day, even when communication is tough. I hope that when he opens the box, he smiles really big and can feel my love oozing out of it. I hope that he feels me giving him a huge hug and it carries him through his day. Care packages also give me something else to focus on. 

4. The love we had before he left. I can't explain it. We were friends in high school, lost touch for 10 years, reconnected last year and it was love at first sight. I knew from the second I laid eyes on him that I wanted more. The first kiss, that was it for me. I knew he was it. Every waking moment with him felt like a dream. He was sweet and cuddly. He said and did all the right things. When my insecurities came out, he smiled and loved me harder. We both were on the same page every step of the way. He fell just as hard as I did. 

5. His love and commitment. Throughout this deployment, he has been a rock. When I get nervous, he is my calm. He proves his love every day when he makes time to text me and tell me he loves me even when he's exhausted. He tells me how he appreciates my strength and staying busy. How that keeps him focused on his mission and not on me. Our face time dates on Sundays are the highlight of my week. Seeing his face and his smile makes the world seem not so bad. It puts those butterflies back in my stomach like when he was home. It gives me hope for out future and when he gets home. His strength and commitment keeps me going. He believes in us and what we have and that is beautiful. 

6. Grad school. I promised myself that I would get as much of my masters degree as time would allow while he was gone. In 9 months, I've completed 7 classes. I have 3 more until graduation. It has been exhausting, time consuming and some times a nightmare, but it keeps me busy and in the end it will advance my career. I would have loved to take my time with it, but my goal was to spend more time with him when he gets home.. And the pay increase sounded good ;) 

These are the things that help me stay busy, stay positive, and enjoy living my life while he is gone. In the beginning I felt guilty for doing these things and having fun, but then I realized that me being able to do all of this... Is exactly what he is fighting for. It has helped me become a more independent, and positive person and has also strengthened my relationships with my friends. There are still tough times especially with the holidays and night time is still the hardest, but you learn with each passing night, you're one day closer. It's ok to cry or feel lonely, it's what you do when you wake up and start your day that matters. 

<3