My New Years Resolution

The holidays are about spending time with the ones you love, creating memories and appreciating the things that matter the most. When you have a spouse deployed, there is no greater feeling of worry, desperation, fear, loneliness and pride. It is a constant roller coaster of emotions and the holidays heighten those emotions. You feel so lonely and guilty. You try your absolute hardest to put a smile on your face and appreciate the time spent with family, but there is the biggest hole in your heart wishing they could be home. 

I remember the night before he left, laying down, staring at him, begging God to keep him safe and bring him home to me. Praying that I would be strong enough to endure this journey with him and mentally preparing myself for what was to come. With 2 brothers in the service, I thought this would be just like them leaving. I've been down this road before and I knew what to expect; the spotty internet, communication issues, dangerous missions, months of routine and staying busy, and the emotions leading up to homecoming. Now that we are at the end of the deployment, I have no idea how I survived it. It has been the hardest, most exhausting journey I have ever been on. 

We are getting ready to come into the new year and counting down the weeks until his return. This year my new years resolution is simple: to wrap my arms around him and love him the best I can. To show him everyday that he was worth every single second of separation and tears. To nurture the amazing relationship that we started when he left and make it even stronger once he gets home. 

Deployments suck, but they teach you so much about yourself, and your relationship. They make you appreciate the little things and savor every moment with them. Savor the moments with the one you love, appreciate them or who they are and let go of the little stuff. In the end, it doesn't matter anyway.

Coping through a deployment

I have been asked several times "How do you do it?" "How do you handle a deployment, especially so early in your relationship?" Sometimes I answer with "you just do!" But lately I've really been thinking about all the things that help me cope with him being gone. We are almost 9 months in and the end is in sight. Each day brings me closer to homecoming and also brings a bit more strength. I thought I would make a list of things that have helped me get this far...

1. FRIENDS! They keep me busy and having fun. I have the best friends in the world and we have a blast together. We laugh, we share hard times, good times, lots of food and wine, but more importantly, they are always there to give me a hug and tell me to keep my chin up. Sometimes they cry with me other times they keep my mind off of it. A few girls in particular always have exactly the right words, or hug to get me through. 

2. My career. I'm a teacher and I absolutely am in love with it. I wake up every morning excited to see my kids and make them laugh and vice versa. I work with a very tough group of third graders who need so much love and compassion as much as an education. They absolutely keep me going. When communication with my love is minimal or the deployment is getting to us, I throw myself into my career and my students and I, we have such great days. Teaching is time consuming, stressful, emotionally draining, but oh so worth it. Walking into my classroom in the morning and getting swarmed with weekend stories and hugs is the highlight of my day. They make me feel needed and loved as a teacher. 

3. Care packages. Thinking of themes, getting the supplies, sending him my love in a box... It makes my heart beat faster. He is the love of my life and words don't do justice for how much I feel for him. Care packages are my way of showing him that the girl he left behind.. Is still here, loving him and supporting him every day, even when communication is tough. I hope that when he opens the box, he smiles really big and can feel my love oozing out of it. I hope that he feels me giving him a huge hug and it carries him through his day. Care packages also give me something else to focus on. 

4. The love we had before he left. I can't explain it. We were friends in high school, lost touch for 10 years, reconnected last year and it was love at first sight. I knew from the second I laid eyes on him that I wanted more. The first kiss, that was it for me. I knew he was it. Every waking moment with him felt like a dream. He was sweet and cuddly. He said and did all the right things. When my insecurities came out, he smiled and loved me harder. We both were on the same page every step of the way. He fell just as hard as I did. 

5. His love and commitment. Throughout this deployment, he has been a rock. When I get nervous, he is my calm. He proves his love every day when he makes time to text me and tell me he loves me even when he's exhausted. He tells me how he appreciates my strength and staying busy. How that keeps him focused on his mission and not on me. Our face time dates on Sundays are the highlight of my week. Seeing his face and his smile makes the world seem not so bad. It puts those butterflies back in my stomach like when he was home. It gives me hope for out future and when he gets home. His strength and commitment keeps me going. He believes in us and what we have and that is beautiful. 

6. Grad school. I promised myself that I would get as much of my masters degree as time would allow while he was gone. In 9 months, I've completed 7 classes. I have 3 more until graduation. It has been exhausting, time consuming and some times a nightmare, but it keeps me busy and in the end it will advance my career. I would have loved to take my time with it, but my goal was to spend more time with him when he gets home.. And the pay increase sounded good ;) 

These are the things that help me stay busy, stay positive, and enjoy living my life while he is gone. In the beginning I felt guilty for doing these things and having fun, but then I realized that me being able to do all of this... Is exactly what he is fighting for. It has helped me become a more independent, and positive person and has also strengthened my relationships with my friends. There are still tough times especially with the holidays and night time is still the hardest, but you learn with each passing night, you're one day closer. It's ok to cry or feel lonely, it's what you do when you wake up and start your day that matters. 

<3

8 months in

And nights alone, still get to me. I still can't get used to the cold side of the bed, the absence of his scent, the lonely nights just craving his arms around me. It never gets easier. You just sort of deal. 

This week has been eye opening for both of us in terms of our relationship. I'm realizing that his past affects him more then he admits or realizes and he is realizing that some things need to change. Compromise is crucial at this point in order for us to maintain a healthy relationship. I'm so proud of how we both have handled the situation. I didn't blow up at him after weeks of festering, and he didn't snap at me and get defensive. We both just kind of saw it for what it was and promised to continue working on it. 

I love that man.

Last night I had my housewarming dinner party for my best friends and I. A friend pulled me aside and said she is so proud of the person I've become. I've known this girl for 14 years and she's been around for it all. She said a few years ago I would have never been able to handle a deployment. It's just not my personality. She also remembers be always saying I could never date military because I knew I could never be strong enough to handle it. I need constant love and affection. 

She then said... "It's so completely obvious how much you love him and what you are willing to go through to keep what you guys have. That is amazing!" 

Comments like that, make everything worth it, because she's absolutely right. I'm willing to wait an entire year for him, because of those beautiful, three months with him. He changed my views on love, myself, and life. I'd do anything for him. 

When you find what your heart needs, you'd wait forever then settle for just one more day. 

And nights like tonight, when my heart aches for him and my tears are endless, I know it will all be worth it when he returns home to me. 

Just keep holding on

I used to think by the end of a deployment the wives/gfs would probably be freaking out with excitement, planning homecoming outfits, cleaning and more cleaning and bursting with joy the faster the days fly by. 

Now I am in their shoes and it is by far harder then them leaving and the beginning of the deployment.

By this point with just a few months left, anticipation has turned into anxiety, overwhelming feels of just wanting to be over. I'm tired of being lonely. Tired of having to be emotionally independent. Tired of thinking about the homecoming. Tired of missing him. Tired of wondering what it's going to be like with him home.

I'm over it. I'm over the frustration of constantly having to adapt to his schedule. Adapting to his needs, his wants. For once I want him to throw his arms around me and adapt to MY needs, my wants. I'm ready for this deployment to be over. 

I'm sick of him living in my phone, and in my computer. I'm ready for him to live in my arms. I'm sick of the comments from other people who hAve NO IDEA but yet always seem to try to help. I'm sick of seeing other couples together and my arms aching for him. I'm sick of laying in bed with a "cold sheet" side. I'm sick of being lonely and crying in private because no one understands. 

I'm over it. I'm ready for this year long hell to be over. 

Priorities

The last few months between us have been good. We don't really fight or argue and we try our best to be respectful of each other's feelings. 

But right now my feelings are hurt and I'm trying my best to ignore it but I can't. Saturday we face timed because he couldn't on Sunday (our day) because he wanted to watch the eagles game with his buddies. No problem. I had to cut face time short because he needed me to go look at a house he is looking to buy. Whatever. Not a big deal.

Sunday I didn't talk to him at all and I was ok with it. For the most part because it's important he has guy time. 

Then yesterday he was "too tired." For some reason that excuse really pisses me off. 

Priorities.

The gym is a priority for him. He won't miss it. Ever. He goes every single day no matter what. He makes the time for it. 

Obv I'm totally ok with that. It's important to him. What I'm not ok with, is being the fall back when he's too tired, then obv he goes to bed and doesn't talk to me. The gym comes first and again I lose. 

I was really upset yesterday he was "too tired" too talk. That's two days I didn't talk to him and he wasn't on a mission. That's his own choices. THAT makes me feel like I'm not a priority. 

I tried to not make a big deal about it but my feelings are hurt. I ALWAYS make time for him. No matter what I'm doing. Even when I'm teaching. He is a priority to me. I want that in return. 

So today he messages me and I was expecting him to say he missed me. Or that he had so much fun during his football game with his guys. At least make it worth not talking to me. But no.

Never said he missed, never said anything of the sort. And he had a horrible time with his friends. Wanna know what he said?

He was working on something for the realtor and needed to download something to send a document. DURING our chat time (which isn't very long). 

Ok dude. Go do what you gotta do. Obviously I'm still not a priority today either. I just told him that I had to go. That I would talk to him tomorrow. Resentment and not feeling appreciated isn't a good way to feel during a deployment. 

By the way, I miss you. 

God continues to deliver

At the beginning of this deployment, I knew it would bring my demons out. I knew it would bring all my issues and insecurities to the surface and it would either make or break us. I prayed that God would help me grow and heal during this deployment and have a way to put my past behind me. I wanted it to happen while he was deployed as a way to protect him. So he didn't have to see the mess that was my family and the scars it left behind. 

Little by little things happened in the family that brought 15 years of hurt and pain to the surface and my family is finally starting to deal with it. I tried to keep most of it from him, some out of protection, the rest out of embarrassment. I didn't want him to see me differently or love me less. 

Again he proves everything I know about relationships and love, wrong. He didn't budge when I started to tell him what was going on. He was compassionate and warm and protective. He let me be vulnerable which is not something I do well or often. He continues to stand by me and loves me with so much loyalty. 

I love him so much deeper than I even knew was possible. He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses and loves me despite them. That is an amazing feeling. 

6 months down!

I haven't posted in a while. Teaching has been absolutely crazy since they took away our reading curriculum and didn't replace it so I've spent the majority of my nights at school trying to keep from going insane. 

Honestly I love being busy. My boss always (friendly) yells at me to go home and stop spending so much time at school but I don't mind! I go home to an empty apartment away ( which is super depressing!) so why not stay at school and get organized/ prepared for the week? 

I've also been decorating my apartment. Getting furniture here and there and trying not to spend my entire paycheck in target. :) 

Times like now when I'm super busy, time flies, and I love it. We are 6 months down. We still don't talk about feelings but I made it very clear that isn't going to fly when he comes home. He agreed and we dropped it. A friend of mine whose husband just got back a few months ago said hers was the same way. They mentally can't "check out" of their surroundings and get all emotional and lovey dovey. It's just not possible.  That makes me feel so much better knowing this is normal. 

So I'm just living my busy life, waiting for my man to get home. Keep swimming....

I miss him

I miss him. That's all. I just miss him and I'm ready for him to come home.

Hope or Stupidity

I've debated writing this post but I vowed to be honest with this journey and documenting it. 

Lately I've been full of resentment and questioning waiting the rest of this deployment. I find myself not even wanting to talk to him. I want to hear from him because I need to know he is safe but it conversations suck. It's so routine. "How was your day?" "What's your plans or the weekend?" Etc. we don't talk about feelings, I'm not allowed. This is not the person I fell in love with and this isn't the journey I signed up for. I'm becoming resentful and questioning why I'm even waiting. 

I've been through a lot. I was with someone for 7 years who I was never allowed to be myself. I wasn't allowed to talk about feelings. I vowed I would never be in that position again. Well here I am, all over again. 

Before he left and the first few months he was gone, he WANTED me to talk about it. He shared stories with me and we would have deep conversations. I fell in love with him because he opened up to me. I felt connected to him. I knew him in places other people didn't. 

Fast forward 5 months in and I've never felt more disconnected. I sent him an email a few weeks ago saying I was having a rough night and he completely ignored it. Never even responded. It put me right back in that 7 year hell hole of feeling rejected. I said something to him and he basically shut me down. Said talking about feelings made him uncomfortable. He wasn't "a feelings guy" and never will be. 

I'm trying to figure out who the person I fell in love was then, cause this certainly isn't him. And I'm positive that person wouldn't have made that comment and made me feel stupid for opening up. Now I'm sitting here wondering who the real person is and what's coming home when he does. 

If this is the real him, I'm not sticking around when he comes home. I'm not going to put myself in another relationship that has no emotions. I need that connection. 

So here I am, half way through a deployment, completely disconnected and feeling like I don't know him at all. I have no idea the person I'm getting when he comes home.

 I feel stupid. 

I know they said deployments change people but I didn't realize it would change one of the biggest things I loved about him. The one thing that made me feel so connected to him. How do you go through a deployment with just casual conversation? Never talking about feelings or connecting on an emotional level? I have no idea how I'm going to do this without creating bitterness and resentment. 

Lord help. 

Worth it

Sometimes I wonder. 

I wonder why I wait, why I lay in bed, alone, night after night, fighting my own demons, convincing myself that one day it will all be worth it. What is it about him that make the tears worth it? The ache in your chest and the lump in your throat when you realize you still have so many more lonely nights ahead. What makes the awkward conversations with friends when they squeal about date nights with their bfs, worth it? What makes holiday weekends spent alone because your friends feel bad about you being the third or fifth wheel, worth it? What makes having exciting days at work worth coming home to an empty house? 

Sometimes I wonder why I do it. The pain of him not being here is almost unbearable sometimes. You try to stay busy and you get really good at convincing yourself you're ok. Friends and family stop asking because the autopilot answer seems convincing enough. 

I wonder what makes the dropped Skype calls and praying to God that it connects for more then 2 minutes so you can get a sentence out without it freezing and disconnecting, worth it. I wonder what makes sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket instead of his arms, worth it. 

Then that Skype call connects and I see his face and all of a sudden, the dark world that I live in seems bright. It gives me hope when I realize how much he needs me to keep holding on. When he talks about past memories and memories he wants to make when he gets home, it strengthens my faith that its worth it. Something's about him, our relationship, his love for me, and mine for him, that keeps me here, waiting, waiting for the other half of my heart to be complete. 

We are almost half way there, just keep swimming. 

What will it be like?

My favorite thing to do at night time is lay in bed and dream about what it will be like the day he comes home. I dream about the look on his face when he sees me for the first time since he left. The conversation in the car on the way home. The first few hours of him being in the apartment. I dream about what his kisses will taste like and how our bodies will link back together on the couch as we watch tv, or what meal he will ask for first. I dream about what he will smell like and what it will feel like to rub my hands through his hair again. I can't wait to lay my head on his chest and once again hear his heart beat. I miss my other half so deeply. 

There are so many things that I long for when he returns. I just hope and pray that I can give him the space he needs to properly adjust back into civilian life and not overwhelm him. I hope that he longs for the same things that I do and we have a smooth transition. 

I pray that we will find balance again between our relationship, our friends, our careers and our family. I absolutely love my independence. I pray that I can once again balance my love for him with my love of identity. 

We are almost half way through this deployment. It feels amazing to know that we are really doing this, and we are so much stronger then when we started. Sometimes I go back and read those beginning posts and I feel for that girl who was so broken hearted at his leaving. I wish I could tell her that it really does get better, you get stronger, and thankfully, time keeps moving. 

Dreaming about when he returns is what keeps me going :) 

Oh Murphy's law

Murphy is kicking my ass right now and all I want is to be wrapped up in his arms.  98% of the time I can focus on something else and not let the situation get the best of me. But today is a couch, remote control and frozen yogurt kind of day. 

I moved into my apartment last week, I have to wait on each pay check to get furniture over the next few months. I'm super excited about it but super broke. I am currently moving into my new classroom too. Those two events are beyond exciting. 

Then in the midst of all that, my gas sensor is acting up on my car and my front headlight is out. If anyone knows me, they know I absolutely despise car stuff. It's a mans job. I cook, I don't do car stuff. I won't even act like I give a shit to get it fixed and I am beyond irritated that I have to. Nothing else bothers me more then having to do car stuff. I don't even mind buying my furniture from ikea and having to build it. I don't mind fixing things around the house, or doing finances, but car stuff, forgetaboutit. 

On top of that, I've been having some girl issues the last few weeks. I went to the doc today and got some bad news. I wish he were here to hold me and tell me it will be ok. It's just not the same when he says it across the ocean. 

I just miss him. All these exciting things going on with moving into my apartment and moving into my classroom, I just wish he could be here to celebrate with me... And of course fix my car. :/ 

Fuck you deployment. 

Deployment Advice- They were right

I remember before he left, I used to search websites, blogs, anything that would give me some insight on what the journey ahead of me was going to be like. I was trying to prepare myself for as much as possible. They all kept telling me to stay busy and look forward to homecoming. I thought that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. How the hell do you stay busy enough to not think about him, to not worry, to not feel the pain of his absence?

Well here I am almost 4 months into a year long deployment and I think I finally get it. The empty pit in your stomach when you lay in bed at night, missing them, never goes away. The feeling you get when you see a couple holding hands in public and your heart breaks a little, that doesn't go away either. You just learn to live with it. You learn to live with the pain because you know it wont last forever, and eventually, life will get back to normal when they return and these feelings will be a distant memory. You hold on to those memories you made before they left and you fantasize about what memories you will create when they get home, but the pain, that never leaves.

You stay busy. You live your life. You work, you spend time with friends and family, you do things that you enjoy and you keep them in your heart, every step of the way. That is honestly, the only way to survive this hell we call deployment.

I remember the night before he deployed and how we laid on the mattress in the living room in front of the tv that was on top of an upside down laundry basket. His apartment complex let him out of his lease for deployment and the rest of his stuff was already in storage. I remember the candle was lit, he was exhausted, the tv was on, and I had what felt like an elephant sitting on my chest. We laid on the bed, snuggled tighter then ever before, trying to stop the clock. I'll never forget the horrific feeling of that night. I knew in a few short hours, I would be dropping him off and would have to let him go. Within seconds of his head hitting that pillow, he was asleep and I was a crying mess. Laying there, rubbing his head, tears strolling down my cheeks, trying not to throw up.

The first month was strictly auto pilot. I jam packed my schedule, forcing myself to keep busy, because that's what everyone told me to do. I was a teacher during the day, and a grad student at night. I did homework and spent time with my friends on weekends and cried myself to sleep every night in between.

Once he was done training, and he got into theater, more change. The hardest part of the beginning of the deployment was getting used to all the changes. Every time we would get into a new routine, it would change and I would be a mess. Finally, we are in the swing of things. He has been over seas since Memorial weekend, I am in the middle of teaching summer school and still going to grad school, and nothing has changed in a while.

I know what to expect, when to expect his messages, when we face time, and I live my life outside of that. I've learned that I have to keep up my life, because he expects me too. Staying in bed, drowning in my sorrow, doesn't do him or me any good and it wont change our situation. I think for a long time I struggled with the guilt of living my life. I felt guilty for being happy and doing things that made me happy, because he cant be here to do those things too. Once I realized how dangerous that was, I picked myself out of bed and back into life. Now not only am I happier, but now we have more to talk about when we do talk because I have lots to update him on. It makes our conversations go smoother and I know he doesn't have to worry about me.

He sent me an email the other morning and I keep reading it. He said that he was thinking about our relationship and why it works. He said because its simple. I love him for who he is, he loves me for who I am and we don't worry about the future. We know we are going to be together and if we hit bad times, we will work it out. He said he is able to focus at work because he knows that I am handling things at home and taking care of myself, he doesn't have to worry. He said it makes his deployment a little bit easier to manage knowing that I am ok.

That gives me all the willpower to keep going. As much of a struggle that this has been, I feel proud that he doesn't really know about it. I remember the advice my brother gave me before he deployed: "dont tell him everything. Men are fixers, if they cant fix it, don't tell them. Keep a diary, talk to your friends, talk to me, do everything you have to do to stay busy and be positive when you do talk to him. Trust me, he will thank you for it." So far, he was absolutely right.....

Stay busy <3

Change

This summer has been rough. Teaching summer school and only taking 1 graduate class hasn't been distracting enough. With me trying to save as much as possible, going out with my friends has also been minimal. I've been praying for a change. 

I had planned to move out at the end of summer, to allow me more time to save up but I knew that I needed the change and prayed for a sooner move out date. Last week I called the apartment complex that I was looking to rent and they had exactly what I was looking for at an affordable rate. Move in date August 2nd. I was approved within a few days and I feel amazing. 

I feel relieved mostly. I've never lived on my own, never been able to afford it. I spent so many years with my X that I never needed to worry about just my income. When I left him, I felt that I would never have anything to offer a partner financially. My house and that split destroyed my credit. I moved back in with mom not only to fix my credit, pay off my car and my lawyer, but also because that was the only option I had. I'm beyond grateful to have had that as an opportunity but the independent in me was bruised. I felt like a loser living at home with Mom at 28 years old and a failed 7 year relationship/engagement. The last year I have been able to pay off my car, my lawyer, not take out student loans for an entire school year and start to rebuild my credit. For that, I am beyond thankful. 

When the apartment complex said that I was approved, I felt like for once, I had control back of my life. That I secured a place to live not only for myself, but for my soldier when he comes home. I was stressed that I wouldn't be able to do that for him. I know he doesn't care but still, I feel like I am contributing to this relationship financially. I've never been able to say that before. 

I move in next week and my head is spinning with excitement. MY OWN place! I've never had that before. I can't wait to welcome my soldier back home. It's going to be amazing! 

100 day.

Today is 100 days since he left. I've been so busy the last few days that it kind of snuck up on me. 

As I lay here alone as usual, thinking about all that has changed since that morning I dropped him off, I can't help but feel pride. There have been days where it took every ounce of my courage to roll out of bed and start my day, but with each passing day, it becomes a little less of a struggle. It honestly never gets easier, you just learn to live with the pain. 

It feels good to finally put a good chunk of time behind us. We are almost 1/3 of the way there. No matter how hard some days seem, time consistently keeps moving, even when we don't feel like it does. Thank God for that. 

We haven't really talked much the last two weeks. I've been really busy with summer school and grad school and he has been busy at work. I have been trying to keep my distance and keep my feelings to my self. Honestly, I like it better this way. Feelings are a foreign thing for me and trying to face them and deal with all of it at the same time is too much. I think it is for him too. So both of us are refraining from the emotional talks and just keeping it light. He has a job to do, and I need to carry on with my life while he does that. Feelings are irrelevant, I'll be here when he comes home no matter how I'm feeling on any given day. No need to tell him every time I miss him or am having a tough day. He knows its not easy and there is nothing he can do to fix it. 

With that said, I'm proud of us. It hasn't been easy, but we just put 100 days behind us. I'm excited to get through 200+ more and welcome him home. The new school year is coming up soon and with that comes lots of work and energy. I'm excited! I'll be transferring to a new school with my principal and my old teammate. I can't wait to see what's in store! 

I feel blessed tonight. Blessed that time keeps moving, and that even though each day is not easy, we both continue to make progress and get through it. I can't wait to hold him. 100 days closer! 

It's so Easy

It is so easy to come home from work, put on his Tshirt and curl into bed for the rest of the day. It's become way too easy to say no to going out with my friends and curl in bed instead. It's even easier to put on his Tshirt instead of gym clothes and curl into bed. It's easy to get upset with people and take my sadness out on them. 

I went out with my friend Nicole on Sunday and it reminded me how much fun life can be when Im out of bed. 

It reminded me that I made several goals while he is away and I need to get on them. I'm actively pursuing my masters degree. I have 6 classes left and will graduate in May. I made a fitness goal that I am horrible at staying motivated to do. 

I need to get back to life. Laying in bed and being sad will not bring him home any sooner. 

I have a homework/dinner date with another gf from his unit tonight. Walk date with another friend on Wednesday, and day date with another friend on Friday. I'm getting back to my life, starting this week. :) 

Reality check

Sometimes I forget where he is. As if he is away from me and on vacation somewhere. A part of me thinks it's my way of coping with the fear of this deployment. I forget that while we are in a relationship, it isn't and shouldn't be his priority. His safety and those around him should be.

I've been hard on him. I normally keep my emotions to myself until the last minute, then unfortunately he gets the fall out. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Then I get upset and sometimes even angry with him when he doesn't reciprocate the way I expect him too. 

News of danger will put anyone back in check. I should be grateful that I hear from him as much as I do, period. Who cares what we talk about. I just feel extremely grateful to have him in my life. Even though this deployment is tough, I still know he is with me, maybe not physically, but he is always in my heart. 

I can't wait to hold him when he gets home. 

I wonder

As usual I can't sleep. I start summer school tomorrow morning and I have to be up in 5 hrs. But I lay here consumed with a thousand thoughts instead. 

I wonder if he hurts as much as I do or if his training stops him from feeling, to just ignore and push it aside. I wonder if when he crawls into bed at night, his arms ache at the loneliness of not holding me. I wonder if little things throughout the day remind him of me and he has to choke back the burning behind his eyelids. I wonder if when he opens his care packages, does the scent of home knot his stomach up because he misses it so much. I wonder if he lays in bed and struggles to keep the tears at bay as he scrolls through pictures and listens to my "see ya later" video. I wonder if he has moments where he just aches to be back home with be, if this hurts him as much as it does me. 

I wonder if he feels at all. He tells me he misses and loves me, but something about it seems rehearsed. He used to open up to me, when he was home, and when he was at Bliss but once he got over there, he hardened up. I have to ask and basically force things out of him. Of course I get the usual "I don't have time to think." 

I wonder if he knows that he is my first thought every morning and the last at night. If he knows that it takes hours to fall asleep because I keep scrolling through pictures, trying to remember the way he used to look at me. Angry at myself because for months I've been trying to forget as a way to stop the pain, angry that I now forget certain things all together. I wonder if he knows how every little thing reminds me of him and how it takes all of my strength to choke back the tears and force myself to smile. I wonder if he knows how much I've changed, if he has noticed or not, how much stronger I am, or that I let everyone believe. I wonder if he knows how hard I have to work to stay busy, to try to take my mind off of him, even just for a minute, to give my heart a break. I wonder if he knows how hard this deployment has been on "the waiting side." I'm left here, in all the places we spent our time, surrounded by the people we spent our time with, surrounded by his memories, our memories, trying to keep a routine, trying to open up to people enough to not feel so alone, but knowing they don't understand and you really are alone. Trying to keep my own identity, doing things that I enjoy, going to places that I love with people I love and wishing for just one second, he was there with me, holding my hand. I wonder if he knows how hard it is to be happy for friends when they start a new relationship and want to tell me all about it when all I can think about is how I forget what that feels like. How I forget what it's like to sit on the couch, snuggled in his arms, without a care in the world. I wonder if he knows that I worry about what he will be like when he comes home. If he will keep this hardened, soldier role or if maybe he opens up to let me back in. I wonder if I'm what he expects when he returns, if I'm the same girl he fell in love with, because I don't feel like her. I wonder if the nightmares will stop when he gets home or that he will know I lied when he asked me if they had and I told him yes. 

I wish that he could just tell me if this is hard for him. I feel like I'm the only one who struggles. I hate being the only one who seems to be affected, which makes me not want to open up. It feels so one sided. I keep checking my email, just to see if for once, there is an email where he opens up. 

I wonder if he knows that this is why I said I would never date military. But, I wonder if he knows how worth it he is to me. How all of this, is worth it, even when it is so damn hard. 

Dreams are changing

Children have been my passion since I was knee high. I remember I was in second grade, staring at my teacher in awe at how cool it must be to be a teacher. From then on, it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. 

I had a plan; to buy a house, finish my bachelors degree, get married, start my masters and then have two kids, back to back. By the time my kids would turn 3, I would have my masters and life would be perfect. 

As I became an adult, got into college, bought a house and settled down with my then fiancé, I wanted my own children. Ive always wanted kids. I was excited that I chose the perfect career that would allow me to be home with my kids on weekends and summers. As the years went on, I wanted children so badly. I kept telling myself that once I received my degree, and got married, I would do just that. I was hell bent on doing it the right way. 

When that relationship fell apart, I changed. I wanted independence and my own identity. I wanted to learn who I was and love her. The last two years I've grown to figure out who I am and I love me. I love who I am and the people I choose to keep in my life. I can grab my keys and go wherever, whenever with whoever. 

When I started teaching last year, my ideas of my future changed. I'm around children all day long, every day. I interact with their parents and I'm involved in our community. I see the struggles that parents go through in order to keep their kids happy and healthy. I see the sacrifices they make in order for that to happen. Lets be honest, we live in a messed up world. There is a lot of crappy parenting going on which results in some pretty unstable children. The more I see, the less I want kids. I'm 28 years old now and my plan is royally in the trash. My idea of my future has changed so much. 

When I bumped back into Anthony I was ready for a relationship, but not much else. I was still loving my independence and finding out who I was. I was excited to reconnect with an old friend, but when the heart got involved, my future again changed. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't feeling this way for him. Hell, he was one of my best friends in school. He knew me, the old me, the person I thought was long gone. Back then I stood up for myself and was spunky, full of life and never let anyone take it from me. My dreams were mine and nothing got in the way of that. Somewhere along my 7 year relationship, that was lost. I was manipulated and walked all over. The only thing I refused to let go of was my passion for teaching. When that relationship fell apart, finishing my degree was what pulled me through it, it was my focus. Now, teaching is my world. I feel like I have a purpose, like that is what I was meant to do. 

Then there is Anthony. I have no doubts that we will be together. He is absolutely my future. What that looks like now, I'm not sure. I used to love the idea of marriage. Being with one person for all of your life. Growing old together and having that trust that only forms after years of being by each others side. But the older I get, the more I see, the less I believe that marriage truly is forever. I don't know any marriage that hasn't failed or is happy. It seems like once people sign those papers, start having children, they become miserable. Fighting over money, responsibilities, losing sight of the love that started it all. Why would anyone want to get married these days if that always seems to be the outcome? I'm finally living a life that I love, with someone that I'm completely in love with, and I feel that marriage and kids will ruin that. 

Add the military career in to it, and I've got a list a mile long as to why I don't want children. Anthony chose the military, I chose him, if we had kids, they don't have a choice. They inherit this life. They get to live with deployments, trainings, a dad who at the drop of a hat has to go to work, no questions asked, a mom who might not be able to keep it together and be strong for them. That's not fair to them. 

I don't know if my views on this will change in the future, they could. My views have already changed once. All I know is right now I'm being selfish. It may be because my love is deployed, but I don't want to share him. Ever. I want to wake up on the weekends, roll over, snuggle with the love of my life, cook breakfast and soak up his love doing whatever it is we decide to do that day. 

Right now my dream is just to be honest about what I want. I want Anthony and no outside stressors. Just me and him and our love. That's it. 

Regret

Sometimes I lay in bed and think of all the things I wish I could have done differently. 

The months leading up to the deployment I can honestly say that I did everything in my power to savor every moment I had with him. I know that I made sure he felt my love. 

The week leading up the the deployment is a different story. I was a mess. I tried so hard to keep it together that at the last minute, I cracked. I wish I could take that week back. I'd be stronger, I'd savor those last moments, I hold on a little tighter instead of pushing him away because I was scared. 

I remember sitting on the floor of the living room, could barely breathe I was crying so hard. He just held me. I told him that the months leading up to it I was fine because I knew I had more time. All of a sudden I was out of time and I was a wreck. I regret that moment more then anything. I regret not being strong for him. 

I wish I wouldn't have went shopping the day he packed up his apartment. I wish I would have been strong enough to do it with him. Those hours I can't back.

Holidays

I've always been really big into holidays and birthdays. I make it a point to have fun and surround myself with people I enjoy. 

Fourth of July was tough. I didn't make plans because of what happened on Memorial Weekend and I didn't want to surround myself with people who weren't a little bit sympathetic or understanding. I laid at the pool with one of my teacher friends. Then a girlfriend from the unit asked to meet up for a drink to toast our men. Then I went home, put in ear phones to drown own the sound of the fireworks and went to sleep. 

It's tough when the excitement of holidays are replaced with loneliness and sadness. I just want to be with him. I find it unfair that everyone else gets to celebrate their day with friends and family because of what's he is doing and yet we don't even get to be together. It's hard. I try to be positive about it because I did chose him and I know this life came with it. But it doesn't make this journey any easier. 

I just miss him. Days like today my heart just aches for him. Some days I still can't believe that this is my life. Waiting for someone for a year. Putting myself through this emotional roller coaster because I know how worth it he is. 

I just want him to come home so we can put our lives back together. For my bf to stop living in my phone and in my arms again. 

Three months down. 8 to go. 

Random

Today was his birthday. He received his birthday package a few days ago. I sent some silly string and water guns along with the usual fitness stuff so he could unwind and have a little fun with his guys. It was so good to see him smile and loosen up.  

The second I hit the accept button on face time, my heart starts pounding. I got two full hours today! Seeing his beautiful, cheesy smile on the other end does something to me. It reminds me why I'm on the other side of the world, waiting. I love him. 

A milso friend of mine is flying out here for New Years so we can toast to the near end of this sucky deployment. I don't know what I would do without her. 

We are officially 1/4 of the way through this deployment. Fuck yes. 

Tears are strength

Some nights, when the world seems a little darker and my heart feels heavy, I cry. I just lay in bed, listen to music and let my tears say what my lips can't. Tears are a release. They help my heart deal with all the emotions that go with this deployment. Most days, I don't talk about it. There really isn't anything to say. My friends don't understand and my family just tells me to deal. Coming from military family, you would think they would be the most comforting, but no, we don't show emotion. 

My brother came home from swim qual the other day and caught me with tears in my eyes. He didn't know what to do. I could see the shock in his eyes and the question on his face. I told him Anthony didn't want to talk and I could barely get the sentence out before tears strolled down my face. I hurried up and shut the bathroom door before I embarrassed myself any more. 

Tears and prayer are the only thing that get me through each day. Lately I've been talking to a milso friend and talking about it with her helps so much. To have someone that understands is such a relief. To understand all the emotions that go with it, the good and the bad. 

I'm learning that tears aren't a weakness, but a sign that you are still fighting, still holding on. With each tear that falls, a little bit of strength replaces it. 

I know that this deployment will come to an end, it won't last forever. We still have a long way to go, but with each day that passes, we are one day closer. 

Tonight, tears may fall, but it will give me strength to get back up and fight for tomorrow. 

Keep fighting

Everything I knew about myself is either being challenged or changing. I'm adapting and learning. The struggle is part of the journey. It's what makes the greatest changes; to struggle, to learn, to challenge yourself. To step out of your comfort zone and test your faith, test your strength and test your determination to succeed.

Yesterday, I was beyond my breaking point. I felt that I couldn't go on another second feeling so much pain and anxiety. I've been feeling not like a priority, more like an obligation to him. I've tried to tell him, but I guess my attempt fell short because nothing came of it. I have a hard time with telling him I need more. I don't want him to take his focus off of his job. I want him to come home to me. I'm afraid if I take too much from him, something will go wrong, he'll loose focus and get hurt. I NEED him to come home. I'm not used to needing anyone's attention. 

In my past relationship, when things upset me, I just ignore it and move on. It's been my way of coping. I NEVER talk about feelings or emotions. It's a foreign topic. 

I reached out to a fellow milso yesterday. She told me to tell him, to open up and let him in on my feelings. Like really tell him. Communication is the only way we are going to get through this. She's right. My days of ignoring and moving on are over. 

I thought about it and the outcome if I keep trying to act like I'm ok. I will lose him. This will not work. The deployment will win and our relationship will fail. 

He texted me yesterday with "had a long day, just going to bed, talk to you tomorrow, love you" and that's all it took for the breakdown. I didn't respond. How do you respond when you feel completely broken? When you don't get what you need but you can't open up and tell him you need more. 

He texts me a few minutes later (I think he knew something was wrong) and actually wanted to face time. Of course when my face is swollen, red and snotty from having a meltdown. I hit the accept button and the second I saw his face, the world seemed to be less dark. Something in his smile, his beautiful, dark eyes, that just make the world seem right again. 

I told him how I felt and he told me that I HAVE to be honest and tell him or he won't know and things won't change. He always knows just want to say. I have no idea why I just can't open up. He never responds with anything but love and understanding. 

All it takes is 10 minutes of his beautiful face, and I feel like I can do this again. My big girl panties are back on. He keeps reminding me why I fell in love with him. He makes me challenge myself. He pushes me out of my comfort zone and into a whole new world of honesty and love. He makes me want to fight for this, because I know how worth it will be in the end. I'm sure this won't be the last time I internalize things and he has to pick me back up. But I'm glad that I have someone so amazing that is growing and learning with me. 

Deployments are beyond hard. But when you find something that is irreplaceable, you fight and you fight hard, to do what you have to do to keep your head above water. I love him, so I'll keep fighting. 

Oh the joys of Deployment

Technology is a double edged sword. I am so glad we have it and can use it, but  right now I wish I didn't have it. 

We only text and every once in awhile, email. No phone calls, rarely face time and no Skype. It is almost impossible to feel or see emotions through emails and texts. I feel like if I don't get home from NC and get busy right away, I'm going to have a meltdown. I tried to tell him that I need to see his face, I need to hear his voice, I need to see the emotions in his eyes when we talk....but he isn't listening and resentment is creeping in. It's too the point where I don't have anything to say during our "text session" every day because I'm becoming even more bitter.  

I don't understand, if face time is an option, why would he rather text then see my face? I know he isn't, and this is my own insecurity but it makes me feel like he's hiding something. I hate this. I hate this deployment and how it's changed us. I hate that I'm becoming resentful and bitter. 

THIS is why I don't date military. This is exactly what I knew would happen because I've seen it a thousand times with my brothers. I was just naive enough to think it wouldn't happen to me, to us, because our relationship was amazing before he left. 

I couldn't sleep last night so I went scrolling through old text messages. Bad idea. It made me even more upset because I miss that side of him. I miss the cute little messages he would send. I miss the sweet, doting side that I fell in love with. Right now I have the cold, emotionless, soldier side and I hate it. 

How am I going to do this for 8 more months?? 

I need to get home and get busy. This being on vacation thing is making it so much worse. 

Superwoman found her kryptonite

I haven't posted in a while. I've been trying to get settled in a routine now that school is out and I have to be honest, it's been very difficult. 

One of the hardest things to deal with is expectations. We both were excited that school was out and we would be able to face time more often since I wouldn't be working when he is available. I assumed that since we normally text every day for about 30 minutes, that we could now just face time instead. Umm wrong. 

The last week or so he has been exhausted, not really wanting to face time and to be honest, it's heart breaking. I've tried to keep my emotions at bay and remind myself it's not about me, he's just tired. But sometimes pep talking myself doesn't work. 

Last Friday, we had planned to face time. I did my hair, make up, looked cute and he was late messaging me. He was too tired and didn't want to face time. I broke down. It took everything in me not to snap at him. I know it's not his fault and I'm glad I didn't react how I felt. I waited until the next day to let him know that I need that time with him. Sometimes I need to see his face and watch him talk. I sometimes forget what his voice sounds like or how his lips curve when he talks. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss him. It physically hurts. 

I had my wisdom teeth pulled this week and for the most part I've been pretty out of it. I had all 4 pulled and 3 were impacted, so it was and still is pretty painful. I've been forced to stay home and relax, something I don't like. When in home, I think, and that is never a good thing. I had a pool day with Laura yesterday and felt bad that I wasn't all that available to talk to him. As usually, he said he was tired, so I took that as him not wanting to talk and let it go. Today, I had a ton of errands to run to get ready for our road trip tomorrow. I decided to stay home and work on his birthday care package instead so I could face time him if he wanted to. 

Of course, he didn't want to. And of course I cried. 

Deployments suck. Plain and simple. It's a constant struggle between living your life and trying to stay busy, but also being available when they actually want to talk, which isn't very often. I can't even imagine the struggles he goes through, or how exhausted he really is because he doesn't ever really tell me. I try to stay positive and upbeat so he doesn't worry. 

I think they underestimate how much we really need them. Yes I have a great life that keeps me busy while he's away, but I need him so much more then I like to admit. I'm thinking I need to stop being so tough and acting like I'm superwoman and tell him how much I actually need him..

What the Heart wants..

It's mind boggling to me sometimes how I am able to just adapt to each new situation that gets thrown my way. I was the girl who always said "I will NEVER date military" because I know the struggles those relationships face from watching my brothers. I always said that because I thought I knew myself before him. In the past, this sort of relationship would not fulfill me. I absolutely needed that constant affection and reassurance from my significant other. I needed that daily, one on one relationship. Cheating has always been a big issue in past relationships and from what I've heard, military relationships are so much worse because of the distance. 

But as soon as I bumped into him, all that went out the door. I fell for him very quickly and I fell hard. We have 14 years of friendship as our backup and I absolutely love this guy. I feel more for him in the 3 months we spent together, then the 7 years I spent with my x. That says a lot. 

He went off base last week and I thought I would be a wreck. But I was calm, and I had faith. Those few days that he was out, I just focused on school and grad school and patiently waited for a message saying he was back. I completely surprised myself on how much I was ok with the situation. Of course I was worried and I prayed a little harder those nights, but I'm confident that he feels what I feel and he will return home to me. 

Our communication consists of a few texts messages around noon each day (his night time). I don't talk to him any other time. So naturally I look forward to those few messages each day. We have only been able to face time once in 3 weeks and no phone calls yet. Typically this wouldn't be ok with me. Normally I need more than that. But with him, it's so different. As long as I know he's ok, and he loves me, I'm content. 

Today he messaged me and said he was exhausted and was going right to bed. It took me a second to choke back the tears because I was in front of my students, but I just said ok. What else can you do? No need to give him shit for being exhausted. Just gotta hope I'll be able to talk to him tomorrow. 

If this were me 3 years ago, this relationship would be done. But I have learned not only so much about relationships, but I've learned that I have so much going on in my life to look forward to besides this relationship. 

This year is allowing me to grow as a person and to learn how to balance my life with this relationship. It would be so easy to sit home and anxiously wait for every message or email. It can completely overtake your life if you let it. But when I know he is busy, I just get even busier. I focus on school, my students and grad school. 

I guess when the heart wants something, it does what it has to, to survive. I can't wait to see how far we come through this sucky deployment. 

Pretty Damn Good

I had a chat the other day with a good friend. She was asking how him an I were doing being 2 months into our deployment. She said most couples have already had a few stress fights and start taking the stressors out on each other by now. 

Truth is, deployments are tough. Your forced to deal with things that most people will never have to face. It's a constant battle of trying to keep them in your life and still a part of you, but letting go enough to not go insane. 

Before he left, we had never had a fight. We had no reason to. We were crazy in love and agreed on almost all situations. We had a few differences but nothing that wasn't something we either compromised on or just let go. 

We still don't fight, even two months into this sucky deployment. We have had a couple disagreements, but we are adult enough to know that right now is not the time to be fighting. We need to be supportive and loving. Both of us are going through a lot being separated, that hurts enough. No need to add tension and fighting to the mix. Anything worth fighting about, can be settled when he comes home. There's nothing we can really "settle" right now anyway. So what's the point? 

I love that man. More than I even know was possible. This is the one relationship that I don't want to mess up. I'd say, so far, we are doing pretty damn good.

Yes I get jealous sometimes. Not because I don't trust him, but because I'm jealous of those that can be around him when I can't. I'm sure he gets jealous too that I'm home, hanging out with our friends and doing fun things when he can't. But even still, it's not worth fighting over. 

There is nothing we can do about our situation, so we might as well make the best of it and come out stronger in the end. 

He is my whole world and I will do whatever it take to be at his homecoming, come hell or high water, I'll be there. 

Memorial

My friends woke up this morning and decided they wanted to go home a day early from the beach to spend time with their boyfriends. 

I immediately felt the sting and tried to act casual. I packed my stuff and waited for the ride home. The more I thought about it, the more I felt the burn behind my eyelids. It hurt. I wanted to spend time with my bf too, especially on a Holiday that means so much. 

Coming from a military family, these holidays are always spent with a heavy heart. I am lucky enough to have not ever experienced why we celebrate this holiday. My family has fought, but no one has laid down there life. 

I sulked the entire ride home and was pretty bitter by the time I got home. I came into my room and got on Instagram. Immediately I saw a post from a fellow milso who just recently lost her spouse in Afghan. My heart sank and was so heavy for her. I could not fathom the loss that she feels. 

My soldier is my world. I don't know how I would continue to live with him gone. I don't know how she does it. It really made me step back and think of why I was so bitter. I chose this life because I chose him. I have a hard time letting go of what used to be our normal. Reality is, he's overseas and we have had to adjust to a new normal. I don't like it, but for now, it's only temporary. Something could happen to him, but I have to pray and remain optimistic that he will return to me. Those spouses that have lost their loved ones, have the right to be bitter, I don't. 

My friends live a different kind of life, that is their normal. It's time I accept my new normal and let go of what we used to have, for now. I'd be much happier if I did. Those service members who laid down their lives, gave me the opportunity to continue living my life with him gone, I need to do so. 

Happy Memorial Day. 

New Leaf

I think part of the problem is, I am too focused on trying to get the attention I need from him and getting frustrated and resentful when I know he can't and doesn't give it.

It's Memorial Weekend, I'm down the beach with my friends and I'm too focused on trying to make myself available for when he spends his 10 minutes a day talking to me that I haven't really been having a good time, and that is so wrong on my part. I need to stop and focus on my life an enjoying the moments with my family and friends that I can. All I'm doing is making it harder on him, and hurting myself and my feelings in the process.

I need to stop checking my phone constantly, stop calculating the time difference every time I look at the clock, stop getting upset when he posts on Facebook but doesn't message me, and stop grasping for attention from him. I am going to try to enjoy my time alone while I have it. This is just making everything worse.

Turning off Skype, and I am off to spend time with my friends! :)

Bitter

I haven't posted in awhile and it's because I honestly don't know what to say.

I'm bitter.

He's been there for 5 days now and so far I have been really frustrated with him and the whole situation. My brothers warned me about this I didn't believe them. They said he would be focused, and not have time or energy to put into us. That I would not be a priority anymore. I told them that wasn't possible for us, that we have an amazing relationship. That he loves me and shows me everyday just how much. That things would change, but not like that.

So far, they were right. He's cold, distant, doesn't have much to say and hasn't really asked about what's going on in my life. I send him emails recapping my day, he doesn't respond to anything, he just emails back what he's been doing, and he's very short about it. He says he really not too busy, just meeting the crew they are replaying and learning their new job, but yet he doesn't really seem to have time for me. I'm hurt. I don't know what to say.

I told him its been difficult not talking to him and he said he was sorry. That he thinks about me all the time and he wishes he had more time to talk to me. My milso gfs say that their spouses didn't act like that. That they weren't distant or cold and talked to them often.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to annoy or bother him but I'm bitter. I don't want to demand his attention, because I feel that if he wanted to talk to me he would. I don't know.

It hasn't been a good week.

So Full of Love

By the time this posts, he will be where he needs to be and we can really get this deployment started. For the last 5 weeks he has been stateside for training. While our deployment started back in the beginning of April, it really doesn't start until the entire unit gets where they need to be.

I'm scared, but I'm ready. I'm ready for him and I to get into another routine and to continue to make this not only work, but to be so fulfilling. Even though we may not be physically together, both of us continue to make an effort to make sure the other feels loved. When we are stressed or upset, instead of taking it out on each other, we rely on each other. It's comforting to know we are kicking this deployments ass.

He sent me a message just before take off and I keep looking at it. Being strong isn't just something you have to do. It's something you do because you want to be strong for them. You want them to have one less thing to worry about. You want them to know that while they are worried about their surroundings, they know you are standing strong and holding it down at home.

I love this man so much more then I even knew I could. He challenges my views on life and love and constantly amazes me. He gives me the strength to keep going, but he is definitely my weakness.

I'd wait forever for him, but a year is long enough.

I Remember

Sometimes I lay in bed, scroll through pictures, read past emails and dream about what it will be like when he comes home. I've fantasized about the day he comes home more times then I can count.

It is so easy to succumb to the "woe is me" feelings and I've had many days where it is a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Being away from him has been by far the hardest thing I've ever done and the grief it brings, sometimes is just too much to bare. I get angry at the world, my faith feels like a constant test and just when I think I can't do this anymore, I remember.

I remember our friendship that started when we were 14 years old. I remember passing his neighborhood and wondering where he was in the world. I remember all the times I've typed his name in Facebook looking for him, just to say hey.

I remember the night last year when he tapped me on my shoulder and immediately my stomach twisted and turned in excitement at who was standing in front of me.

I remember the night we had our first date and the kiss that turned my knees weak. The way he looked at me and just like that I knew.

I remember the months we had together before he deployed. The way we naturally fell into this relationship that still amazes me.

I remember the promise I made, the morning he left, the pain of him leaving, the promise he made and the future that is waiting for us.

I may forget what his lips feel like, or the scent of his shaving cream, the way his hand feels in mine, the way his heartbeat sounds when I snuggle on his chest, the way he would look at me when he was feeling mushy...... But I can't forget the promises or those memories, the weekend snuggles, the morning chats, the nights on the couch with a glass of wine, the giggle fits we would get in to, the deep conversations where we shared insecurities, goals, dreams, our future, all those memories, remind me why I wait.

The months that we were together before he left, we had that dark cloud of deployment over us. It was always the elephant in the room. It brought me to tears on so many nights, fearful of what was to come. When he comes home, that cloud will be long gone. We will have survived this deployment so early in our relationship. I am already so proud at how we are kicking this deployments ass.

When he comes home, we will again create more memories, even more beautiful then the ones we've made, the ones that keep me going...

I can't wait.

Then He Makes Me Realize...

I finally sent an email spilling my guts to him. I don't know why I am so hesitant to let him in sometimes. Never once has he made me feel awkward about it. He is always so understanding and nonjudgmental. When I open up to him, he always surprises me and opens up right back. He never ceases to amaze me.

Then I feel like an ass for not trusting in him in the first place.

I am such a lucky girl.

It's just a bad day.

Days like today, I need a punching bag. This post may sound bitter so I'm just going to write and not care what it sounds like. These are real, honest feelings and my goal with this blog is to document everything, and that includes the tough days and things I can't say out loud in fear of upsetting him.

I'm home sick today. I feel horrible. My ulcer is back in full force and no amount of trying to de-stress or cope is helping. I'm feeling needy and agitated today. I would give anything to have him home to snuggle with and I'm angry at myself for even needing that as an option when I know it isn't possible. I'm angry that for the next year my needs are not a priority. I'm upset that the last 4 days have been nothing but one word, short responses from him. I'm upset that I have to initiate conversation and he doesn't. I'm upset that he is always so busy. I'm upset that he tells me my texts throughout the day help him, but in reality he doesn't seem to respond to them. He seems agitated an stressed when I do text him and then I feel like I'm bothering him.

I by no means am angry with him. Im angry at our situation. I'm angry that I have to sit around and act like I am ok and nothing is bothering me. I'm upset that when I am stressed or need him, he is unavailable.

While I'm talking about things that bother me, I might as well get this out too... I'm angry that I can't ever mention marriage. I'm angry that I can't ever make any comments about wanting to marry him or our future together because of his x wife. Obviously our relationship is different or we wouldn't be together. If all the things he says are true, then why do we not talk about marriage. I'm not saying we have to jump right into the altar, Im not even saying I want to get married in the next 5 years, but constantly dancing around the subject so I don't "freak him out" is upsetting. I just want to know its in our future some day. I'm tired of paying for her mistakes. I wouldn't be dealing with a deployment and a year separation if I didn't think this was it for me. Who would actually sign up for this if they knew it wasn't going to end well? I have no doubts about our future and our commitment to each other, which makes not being able to talk about it even more difficult. Holding on to the future is all I have right now. How am I suppose to hold on, if he is unsure of it and where we are headed? I completely understand he is nervous given what he went through, but if he doesn't have more confidence in us and the fact that I'm NOT her, then why am I here?

I have to keep telling myself it's just a bad day. I know he loves me and cares how I'm feeling. I don't like how I feel right now and I hope tomorrow will be better.

Preparing for more changes

Where he is right now, we can still text throughout the day. Shortly, this will not be an option. Because of that I have been trying to prepare myself for it. I think he is too.

I've noticed over the last few days, his responses have taken much longer and are much shorter. Most of the time I feel like I am bothering him because of that. So lately I have been trying not to initiate conversation. I try to let him text me when he has time. Instead of me texting him, hours later getting a short response and me feeling some type of way about it.

Let me tell you how difficult waiting for a text is. I feel like I check my messages and email so much more now just hoping that he has something to say. I am trying my hardest to not be needy or make him feel like I don't have a life outside of us. I have an amazing life and I usually stay very busy. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about him or what he is doing. I know he is always thinking of me and I just have to trust that we will be ok, even if we don't talk all the time. I need to let go of my grip on him a little bit. I hate not knowing what he is doing and what he is thinking or feeling. When he gets where he is going, I won't be able to text or talk to him as often so I better get used to it now. Then it's like a double edge sword and I feel like I need to get it in all now while I still can.

All I know is this journey is full of so many ups and downs, so many mixed emotions and a constant inner battle of being realistic and just wanting to talk to him every second.

Tomorrow we will be one month down. I feel so much stronger then the day he walked away. I hope every month that passes I learn more, and become even stronger then the month before.

Feeling Humble

Sometimes I lay in bed and flip through pictures of him, us, memories we created and I feel so much love and admiration for him. I feel so lucky to be able to share my life with someone who makes me so happy, and feels the same towards me. There are times where I just want to curse this deployment and the separation that we are going through but in reality, it has made our relationship so much better.

Last night I had dinner with an old teacher. I had her when I was in second grade and she is the reason that I became a teacher. This week has been rough with the kids. It is the end of the year, and their patience, along with my own has been running thin. We had dinner and chatted about how my first year of teaching has been, all the ups and downs. This year has been life changing for me. Finally graduating college last year, landing my dream job and working in a school that my entire family has passed through has been surreal. Bumping back into Anthony and falling in love have made this year almost untoppable. Talking with her about how far I have come and the obstacles I have faced and gotten through, was really humbling. We are so quick to get upset with ourselves for still not being where we want, that we forget how far we have already come.

When I was finished with dinner, I met up with one of my milso gf's. We had drinks and talked about our journey so far through our deployments and the men that we are waiting for. We talked about the memories we created before they left. The things we hold on to and the things we dream about while they are gone. We hold on to how things are going to be when they come home and getting back into the normalcy of life with them. I would give anything to be able to wake up beside him, have our morning snuggle and chat, make breakfast and start our routines. I want to badly to come home from work and have him there, waiting to sit on the couch and snuggle with a glass of wine. It's the little things that we miss the most.

Last week was REALLY tough. Probably the toughest one yet. It feels like an eternity since I have smelled his cologne or saw his hair in the sink from him shaving. But I received some really awesome news last week as far as my career goes and it really made me feel that God is still in control. I worry about things and then he proves himself, and I feel like an ass for not having faith in the first place. This week has been so much better. I feel calm. I feel that if I can just continue my life, and know that when he comes, we are going to pick up right where we left off, then I can do this. Of course when he says things like "When I am breathing, I am thinking of you," it makes it so much easier. :)

Space

One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this deployment so far, is knowing when to give myself space. He is so busy every single day. Working from sun up to well past sun down. As much as I would absolutely love to see his face and Skype every night, sometimes I need to give us space, just let him do his job and let him get some sleep.

The last few days, I haven't felt as strong. I haven't slept more then 2-3 hours a night and I keep having nightmares. Which makes me want to talk to him even more to calm my fears. I lay in bed at night and I force myself to think about the memories we shared before he left. I am starting to forget the simple things like what he smells like, what his touch feels like, the way his heart beat sounds when I lay on his chest. The realization that I'm forgetting these things as a way to cope sent me into a panic. I don't want to forget. The memories are painful because they make me miss him even more, if that's even possible. But knowing that I'm forgetting them is a double edge sword. It's a constant battle between remembering and forgetting.

He usually lets me know when we can Skype and I can prepare myself. A few nights ago, he didn't give me a heads up and he caught me crying. I had to hurry up and dry my face before the camera connected. I felt so guilty. Crying makes me feel weak. I don't see anything attractive about it, but sometimes, I just can't control it. With him being deployed, I can hide it. You can't see the tears through email. It's hard for me to let him see that side of me because if I don't like the tears, I know he doesn't. Who wants to see their gf cry and not be in control of her emotions? I'd much rather him see me strong and in control.

I haven't really wanted to Skype lately. He can always tell when I'm upset or thinking too much and he tries to get me to talk about it. He already has so much to worry about. The last thing he needs added to his plate is an upset gf. So I told him last night and tonight to not worry about Skype. To do what he has to do and then get some sleep. It took every ounce of my being to say it. Just seeing his smile always makes it better but I just don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to worry or get upset. On nights that we don't Skype, we email. I haven't responded to his because I don't know what to say. I don't want to seem cold and distant but it's hard to be positive and share my day with him when I feel so negative. Last nights email that I wrote, I felt lacked emotion because I was trying so hard to keep it at bay.

I don't live near a base or have a bunch of milso girlfriends. I have one friend who's currently in a deployment but I feel like when I talk about it with her, it reminds her of her situation and brings her down too. I don't know how to do this.

On top of all that... I am pretty sure my stomach ulcer is back. I had one when I was a teenager from my parents divorce. It took me years, stomach meds and some coping skills to finally get rid of it. Lately I haven't had an appetite and when I get upset, I get extremely nauseous with sharp stomach pains. I know those symptoms all too well. I need to stop internalizing everything and talk. Nobody understands, so talking isn't an option.

I need to pray, and then let it go. I know what I need to do, but I just don't know how.

Night time Struggle

I have yet to conquer night time. I force myself to stay busy during the day so that my mind doesn't wander to him. Most of the time I still think about him but I am successful at staying focused on other things.

Then night time hits, the memories, the cold side of the bed, the empty feeling and oh the tears. I try to force myself to think of the homecoming and all the things we will do when he gets home, but other nights, nights like tonight, my heart aches for him. For his arms around me, his breathe on my cheek, his whispers in my ear, his kisses, so much so that the tears don't stop. It gives the most sickening, emptiest feeling you could ever imagine.

Sometimes I tell him when I'm upset. Other times, nights like tonight, when the pain is so awful, I just don't know how to put it into words. I know he knows when I am having a tough time, and I know he doesn't know what to say. Which makes me not want to tell him even more. There is nothing anyone can say. There is no point in making him feel bad, especially when there is nothing he or anyone can do to help. It's just something we have to get through.

I want the emptiness to go away. I want the tears to stop falling. I want to be able to roll over and see him there and not just his picture on the nightstand. I want these dog tags off my chest.

I want him home.

Deployment Playlist

I mentioned in my last post that music is my outlet. It puts into words and harmony what my heart cant say. Most nights I lay in bed, listen to music and daydream about the life we have ahead of us when he comes home. I thought it would be a good idea to put my playlist down in case anyone wants some new music to listen to.
Enjoy!

Come Home Soon- SheDAISY

When You're Gone- Avril Lavigne

Wish You Were Here- Avril Lavigne

Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne

All Your Life- The Band Perry

Sure Be Cool If You Did- Blake Shelton

My Kind Of Crazy- Brantley Gilbert

Fall Into Me- Brantley Gilbert

More Than Miles- Brantley Gilbert

It Will Rain- Bruno Mars

See You Again- Carrie Underwood

Do You Think About Me- Carrie Underwood

Have You Forgotten?- Darryl Worley

I Miss My Friend- Darryl Worley

Home- Daughtry

Can't Shake You- Gloriana

Turn My World Around- Gloriana

I Gotta Be- Jagged Edge

Promise- Jagged Edge

Anywhere With You - Jake Owen

I Won't Give Up- Jason Mraz

Letters From Home- John Michael Montgomery

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

Ho Hey- The Lumineers

Daylight- Maroon

Far Away- Nickelback

How Come You're Not Here- Pink

Right here Waiting- Richard Marx

What Now- Rihanna

Wait For Me- Theory of A Deadman

Hello Lonely (Walk Away from This)- Theory of a Deadman

I Got You - Thompson Square

Here Without You- Three Doors Down

Highway Don't Care (feat. Taylor Swift & Keith Urban)- Tim McGraw

American Soldier- Toby Keith

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This- Toby Keith

Lately- Tyrese

I Can't Go On- Tyrese

I Will- Usher

Not a Day Goes By- Lonestar

A Moment Like This- Kelly Clarkson

Sleeping With the Telephone- Faith Hill

Talking To The Moon (Acoustic Piano Version)- Bruno Mars

A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton

When I'm Gone 3 Doors Down

What songs are on your deployment list?

Daily Reminders

Sometimes I wake up and wonder how in the world I am keeping it together. I havent had tears in over a week and I feel stronger every day. I think the key to my happiness is several things...

He reminds me daily that we are in this together. He feels the loss just as much as I do and makes sure he tells me that he loves and misses me. Our emails back and forth are the highlight of my nights. I look forward to seeing his name pop up in my email and my heart starts to race. I genuinely want to hear what he has to say, his words mean everything. When I see his face on skype, nothing else seems to matter. That smile that he has plastered on his face, keeps me here. He keeps me going.

I have an amazing life outside of our relationship. My career and my students are everything to me. When they start strolling in the door at 8:30, my teacher face comes on and I am focused on them. It's all about them until they step on the bus at 3:30. The meetings, lesson planning, parent conferences, professional development and graduate school keep me even busier after school. When all that is over, I normally have homework for grad school, go out with friends, or go to the gym. The gym is my time to better myself. It makes me feel good and releases all the stress of my hectic life. I've always been one to take care of myself physically and stay in shape but Anthony is on a whole other level. He eats right, trains dirty and has an amazing body because of it. He makes me want to be even better. So I work out harder and more often.

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish before he gets home. I just moved back home with my Mom a few months ago and I am looking forward to my own place. I just paid off my car, trying to pay off tuition and saving for my new place have all been possible thanks to my Mom allowing me to come home. With this being my first year teaching, all the lay offs in my district (me being one of them) and the uncertainty of getting a new contract for next year, being home without any bills has been one less thing I needed to worry about. Summer is rapidly approaching and positions hopefully will be opening up. As soon as I land a new contract, I will be moving out.

A milso friend of mine recently confided in me that she is having a hard time with her bf's deployment. She said that she works, goes home and just sulks. I can completely understand where she is coming from. I have days where I dont get out of bed. But honestly, it makes it so much worse when I do that. When I let myself wallow in self pity, I become an angry, miserable person. I have to force myself out of bed every single day and continue my life. My responsibilities and my life didnt stop when he left and I am thankful that they didnt. As painful as it is to be without him, I am ok. He is the first thought every morning, and the last thought before I go to bed. There isnt a single moment throughout the day that I dont miss him and wish he were here. But allowing myself to wallow in that, wont do me or him any good. It wont bring him back or make this deployment go by any faster.

I pray. I pray every single day, every weak moment, and every strong moment. I know that if I didn't give this to a higher power, I wouldn't make it. Sometimes I feel as if I need Anthony so badly, that I could just completely fall apart. Then God reminds me that I had a life before him, and I must continue that life while he is gone. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am so lucky to have someone worth missing so much. God put him in my life for a reason.

Every morning I wake up, I am one day closer to seeing him. Each day that I stay busy, happy, and content in my life, makes it go by faster and makes me, him, and us stronger. Army Strong.

Holding on for dear life.

It's 1am and it's my usual date with my phone. Sleep has been pretty non existent lately so my phone and I catch up. I stare at pictures, replay memories, try to create new ones in my head of what it's going to be like when he comes home, and listen to music. Music is my outlet. It speaks when sometimes I don't have the words. It comforts when he can't.

I'm holding on for dear life. Our emails, texts and Skype dates keep me going. It's why I wake up every morning, put a smile on my face and keep pushing. We are getting really good at this email thing. It allows both of us to open up and say things we might never have in person. He says and feels things that I never expected. Reading what he has to say is the best part of my day and I fall in love with him a little bit more each time.

I have been thinking about getting a yellow ribbon on my wrist for years. With both of my brothers in the service, it has always been something I'm passionate about. I woke up the other morning and decided to finally do it. It means a lot to me, especially now with my other half gone. I see it on my wrist now and it's a little reminder, to keep holding on. That even though he is gone, he will be home one day. This deployment isn't going to last forever and when he gets back, his hand will slip into mine and ill be reminded of why I waited.

Angry.

Today I am angry.

I'm angry that when I have a tough day at school, there are no open arms to greet me when I get home. I'm angry that I can't curl up in his chest and let him wrap his arms around me and tell me it will be ok. I'm angry that I have to tell him I'm ok, when I'm not. I'm angry that I feel like I am setting our relationship up for failure because I can't be honest. I can't tell him that I can't think about his face, or his kiss or his touch or any memory that we created together because it hurts too much. I cant tell him that I just want to curl up in my bed and stay for the next year. I cant tell him how much it hurts to be the third wheel with my friends or have to cancel because their SO is there and it hurts too much to see them together. I cant tell him that I hate seeing other couples together because it reminds me that my other half is away. I cant tell him that some days I am not so strong, that I wonder if we can do this, if I will be strong enough. I cant tell him that I feel like a part of me is missing, and I feel some what empty. I cant tell him that even though I stay busy with school and grad school, that no amount of focus on them, stops me from thinking about him and missing him. I'm angry that I have to smile and act like I am ok, when all I want to do is cry. I'm angry that people don't understand. I'm angry that my friends look at me and say he will be home before you know it. I'm angry that they can't make me feel better. I'm angry that no one can fix it.I'm angry that it feels like he has been gone forever when it has only been a week. I'm angry that his shirt is already losing his scent. I'm angry that when I roll over at night time, its cold on his side. I'm angry that my mind wont let it rest and I even dream about him. I'm angry that even in my dreams, I see his face and I can feel him. Then I wake up and realize he is still gone and it throws off my entire day. I'm angry that I cant think about the homecoming or things we are going to do when he gets home, because it reminds me of how long he will be gone. I'm angry that I have finally found what I was looking for, and it was taken from me, just like that.

I'm angry that I am not strong today.