Priorities

The last few months between us have been good. We don't really fight or argue and we try our best to be respectful of each other's feelings. 

But right now my feelings are hurt and I'm trying my best to ignore it but I can't. Saturday we face timed because he couldn't on Sunday (our day) because he wanted to watch the eagles game with his buddies. No problem. I had to cut face time short because he needed me to go look at a house he is looking to buy. Whatever. Not a big deal.

Sunday I didn't talk to him at all and I was ok with it. For the most part because it's important he has guy time. 

Then yesterday he was "too tired." For some reason that excuse really pisses me off. 

Priorities.

The gym is a priority for him. He won't miss it. Ever. He goes every single day no matter what. He makes the time for it. 

Obv I'm totally ok with that. It's important to him. What I'm not ok with, is being the fall back when he's too tired, then obv he goes to bed and doesn't talk to me. The gym comes first and again I lose. 

I was really upset yesterday he was "too tired" too talk. That's two days I didn't talk to him and he wasn't on a mission. That's his own choices. THAT makes me feel like I'm not a priority. 

I tried to not make a big deal about it but my feelings are hurt. I ALWAYS make time for him. No matter what I'm doing. Even when I'm teaching. He is a priority to me. I want that in return. 

So today he messages me and I was expecting him to say he missed me. Or that he had so much fun during his football game with his guys. At least make it worth not talking to me. But no.

Never said he missed, never said anything of the sort. And he had a horrible time with his friends. Wanna know what he said?

He was working on something for the realtor and needed to download something to send a document. DURING our chat time (which isn't very long). 

Ok dude. Go do what you gotta do. Obviously I'm still not a priority today either. I just told him that I had to go. That I would talk to him tomorrow. Resentment and not feeling appreciated isn't a good way to feel during a deployment. 

By the way, I miss you. 

God continues to deliver

At the beginning of this deployment, I knew it would bring my demons out. I knew it would bring all my issues and insecurities to the surface and it would either make or break us. I prayed that God would help me grow and heal during this deployment and have a way to put my past behind me. I wanted it to happen while he was deployed as a way to protect him. So he didn't have to see the mess that was my family and the scars it left behind. 

Little by little things happened in the family that brought 15 years of hurt and pain to the surface and my family is finally starting to deal with it. I tried to keep most of it from him, some out of protection, the rest out of embarrassment. I didn't want him to see me differently or love me less. 

Again he proves everything I know about relationships and love, wrong. He didn't budge when I started to tell him what was going on. He was compassionate and warm and protective. He let me be vulnerable which is not something I do well or often. He continues to stand by me and loves me with so much loyalty. 

I love him so much deeper than I even knew was possible. He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses and loves me despite them. That is an amazing feeling. 

6 months down!

I haven't posted in a while. Teaching has been absolutely crazy since they took away our reading curriculum and didn't replace it so I've spent the majority of my nights at school trying to keep from going insane. 

Honestly I love being busy. My boss always (friendly) yells at me to go home and stop spending so much time at school but I don't mind! I go home to an empty apartment away ( which is super depressing!) so why not stay at school and get organized/ prepared for the week? 

I've also been decorating my apartment. Getting furniture here and there and trying not to spend my entire paycheck in target. :) 

Times like now when I'm super busy, time flies, and I love it. We are 6 months down. We still don't talk about feelings but I made it very clear that isn't going to fly when he comes home. He agreed and we dropped it. A friend of mine whose husband just got back a few months ago said hers was the same way. They mentally can't "check out" of their surroundings and get all emotional and lovey dovey. It's just not possible.  That makes me feel so much better knowing this is normal. 

So I'm just living my busy life, waiting for my man to get home. Keep swimming....