I woke up secretly anticipating a face date. Even though it wasn't our typical face chat day, I was optimistic since it was our anniversary. I woke up eager and excited to talk to him.
I knew something was up... He's been going to bed early the last week and being more distant that the usual "cold, distant soldier mode." Yesterday on our anniversary he didn't seem like he wanted to talk. I could tell something was up so I just told him I had errands to run and needed to start my day. To make sure he didn't feel bad for ending our conversation (well, lack of) early. I was really disappointed and upset so, I made plans with my girlfriends for dinner and some bowling. I knew I was going to need the distraction. Dinner was great and bowling was a blast. I got home late with a big smile on my face, knowing we were down to single digit weeks. It was almost over. The new unit will be there shortly and we all know what that means when the footlocker gets shipped home. I just brushed his mood off as him preparing to leave.
The hell is almost over. Just hold on for a bit longer. Is what I kept telling myself.
Then this morning the internet was working. Reconnecting..... That's all we kept getting. Within 15 min of that nonsense we just decided to text instead and as usual.. He was tired and wanted to go to be early anyway.
Then those words came out of his mouth... The date was pushed back. I just kept reading and staring at the words hoping it would go away. The wind literally felt like it was sucked right from my lungs. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what can you say to that?? Ok? I immediately said that I was getting off the phone and starting my day so he could get some sleep. There was no where to take the conversation after those words are spoken.
I called my mom and my girlfriends and they came over. I haven't cried that hard in a LONG time. Just when you think the hell is almost over, another month is added on. I had started stocking the cabinets with his favorites and buying new shirts for his return. Making sure all his favorites and essentials were ready. I was starting to let myself believe it was really almost over. Soon he would be home and the struggles of the end of deployment would be over.
My face hurts, my eyes are still swollen 12 hrs later, and my stomach is in knots.
And all he can say is... You just learn to expect it and get used to it.
Yup. That response is exactly what is going to make me feel better.
Sometimes I question how strong I really am. I have an amazing life; a rewarding career, amazing friends, and independence. I absolutely love my life, but I don't love living with this hole of him being gone. It can completely cripple you some days to where you don't want to even function to get out of bed.
I just have to keep reminding myself of the person I fell in love with and what it felt like to have him around. How much better my already amazing life was..
I am so over this war and the journey it's put me on.
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