Space

One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this deployment so far, is knowing when to give myself space. He is so busy every single day. Working from sun up to well past sun down. As much as I would absolutely love to see his face and Skype every night, sometimes I need to give us space, just let him do his job and let him get some sleep.

The last few days, I haven't felt as strong. I haven't slept more then 2-3 hours a night and I keep having nightmares. Which makes me want to talk to him even more to calm my fears. I lay in bed at night and I force myself to think about the memories we shared before he left. I am starting to forget the simple things like what he smells like, what his touch feels like, the way his heart beat sounds when I lay on his chest. The realization that I'm forgetting these things as a way to cope sent me into a panic. I don't want to forget. The memories are painful because they make me miss him even more, if that's even possible. But knowing that I'm forgetting them is a double edge sword. It's a constant battle between remembering and forgetting.

He usually lets me know when we can Skype and I can prepare myself. A few nights ago, he didn't give me a heads up and he caught me crying. I had to hurry up and dry my face before the camera connected. I felt so guilty. Crying makes me feel weak. I don't see anything attractive about it, but sometimes, I just can't control it. With him being deployed, I can hide it. You can't see the tears through email. It's hard for me to let him see that side of me because if I don't like the tears, I know he doesn't. Who wants to see their gf cry and not be in control of her emotions? I'd much rather him see me strong and in control.

I haven't really wanted to Skype lately. He can always tell when I'm upset or thinking too much and he tries to get me to talk about it. He already has so much to worry about. The last thing he needs added to his plate is an upset gf. So I told him last night and tonight to not worry about Skype. To do what he has to do and then get some sleep. It took every ounce of my being to say it. Just seeing his smile always makes it better but I just don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to worry or get upset. On nights that we don't Skype, we email. I haven't responded to his because I don't know what to say. I don't want to seem cold and distant but it's hard to be positive and share my day with him when I feel so negative. Last nights email that I wrote, I felt lacked emotion because I was trying so hard to keep it at bay.

I don't live near a base or have a bunch of milso girlfriends. I have one friend who's currently in a deployment but I feel like when I talk about it with her, it reminds her of her situation and brings her down too. I don't know how to do this.

On top of all that... I am pretty sure my stomach ulcer is back. I had one when I was a teenager from my parents divorce. It took me years, stomach meds and some coping skills to finally get rid of it. Lately I haven't had an appetite and when I get upset, I get extremely nauseous with sharp stomach pains. I know those symptoms all too well. I need to stop internalizing everything and talk. Nobody understands, so talking isn't an option.

I need to pray, and then let it go. I know what I need to do, but I just don't know how.