Trying to embrace the suck

Things have been so good, that it was bound to come back down eventually. I was super proud of myself for keeping my shit together this close to saying "see ya later." I have been proactively thinking positive and knowing that we are going to kick this deployments ass and be so much stronger when he comes home. I am slowly learning when to walk away from things I know I can't handle. For example- he started packing up his apartment this week. I knew that it wasn't something that I thought I could sit and watch, so I made plans to go shopping for an outfit for New York. We made plans to go spend time in New York and see his friends. I was beyond excited and was pumped to have a cute outfit for it.

I came home, fully prepared to see the apartment packed up. I had pep talked myself all afternoon. I was ready. I could do this.

I came in and it was all right next to the front door. I choked it back. I could feel my chest tighten up and my eyes starting to burn. He came in behind me and looked at me. His eyes said "it's ok to cry." So I did. I fell right into his arms, tucked my head in his chest, and just sobbed. I couldn't even speak. The overwhelming fear, the heart wrenching feeling of knowing that I have to be away from him for a year, nothing can prepare you for this. No amount of pep talk, or preparing yourself, can ever be enough.

After a few minutes, I pulled myself together, and sat on the couch. We talked about it and he assured me that we would be ok. I was starting to calm myself down, then picked up my phone and started to browse Facebook and it HIT me hard, again. It was an invitation to his deployment ceremony, on the day we had planned for New York. Right to the stomach. It was as if someone just sucker punched me right in the stomach and let all the wind out. The one event that I was really looking forward to. It was keeping a smile on my face. A memory that I could hold on to while he is away.

I showed it to him and I saw the wind get let out of him too. He was upset. We assumed it would be the following day instead of the day they had it planned for. He called his buddy and had to cancel. We both just sat there, upset, trying to just keep it together.

All of a sudden, shit just got real. He really is deploying for a year. It's really happening. And it's happening way too soon. These last few months I kept telling myself that I still had time. I still had memories to make, snuggles to have, morning kisses to give, dinners to cook and chats to talk. Now in the blink of an eye, all of a sudden, I'm out of time.

It feels as if God is playing a trick on me. He has given me what I've been looking for. 7 years of a toxic relationship, struggles and defeat have finally been for this. For him. I have been given what my heart was looking for, craving for, but now it's being taken away, and I have to wait a year to get it back. Like I have to prove that I deserve it, I have to prove my faith all over again.

I am learning that sometimes it's ok, to not be ok. It's ok to break down and cry. It's ok to not be so tough all the time. It's ok to embrace the suck.

Don't worry, that's not his deployment date. Opsec 101.