Roller coaster

People were not lying when they said the roller coaster of emotions during a deployment were serious. I'm going to recap the night before he left and since then in this post so you can see all the different emotions.
The day before, we both had to work and he had a bunch of last minute errands to run. I met up with him at his apartment around 5. Him and his buddy were there to get the couch out and the box frame to the bed. I kept busy in the kitchen, cooking dinner so I didn't have to see what was going on. I could already feel myself being distant because I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Sadness because I knew it was our last night, frustrated that I couldn't stop crying, happy that I was still with him and angry at myself for not being able to keep it together. When I get overwhelmed like that, I just shut down and get really quiet. Which is awkward because I am a very vibrant and open person.
His buddy left, we ate dinner and neither of us spoke. It was like the elephant in the room. I knew that if I spoke, everything was going to come blubbering out of me like emotional, verbal vomit. He finally told me to say something, as soon as I went to open my mouth, all of my emotions came flying out, tears and all. I told him how the last few months I was ok with him leaving because I knew I still had time. I still had memories to make and moments to soak up. All of a sudden I was out of time and I wasn't ready. I loved our life together and I wasn't ready to let it all go. I wasn't ready to miss him or not be apart of him everyday life. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. He just held me really right and kept saying it will be ok, that we would be ok. That it would be over before we knew it and we would pick up right where we left off. I eventually calmed myself and we laid in bed for our last time. He fell asleep almost immediately while I struggled to not fall asleep. I couldn't let myself fall asleep knowing that as soon as I did, the alarm would be going off and I would have to drop him off. So I laid there, I cried, I watched him sleep, and I prayed. I prayed like I've never prayed before. Eventually I fell asleep and then the alarm went off. We locked up the apartment for the last time, got in my car and headed to drop him off. I tried to be strong. I tried my hardest to choke them back so he wouldn't see it. I pulled up, he got his bags from the back, gave me a kiss and was gone. Just like that. It sort of bothered me how easy it was for him to just walk away. He didn't even flinch. I don't know what hurt more, watching him walk away or not seeing any emotion from him.
Once I pulled away and started driving, I cried, like hysterical, couldn't catch my breath, had to pull over and throw up, kind of cry. I got home, laid in bed and just cried even more.

Nothing could have prepared me to watch him walk away, knowing I couldn't go with him. Knowing it would be a really long time before I saw him again. It felt as if someone had physically ripped my heart out and I was still alive somehow, suffering through it. I kept thinking about how long a year was, everything he would miss, the routine that we were in was now going to have to change. I didn't want it to change. I loved our life. I loved the morning kiss and making him breakfast, smelling his shaving cream and him going off to work. I loved having dinner ready for him when he got home. I loved our snuggles on the couch with a glass of wine. I didn't want to change anything. It was such a hard day. I tried to reorganize my room and stay busy but eventually I just laid in bed and let myself sulk. I did some homework and then tried to go to sleep knowing I had work this morning. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up a few times, trying to reach for him only to get cold air, wake up to the realization and cry some more. I finally dozed off around 3 and my alarm was set for 6:30. I got up, realized I didn't have to make breakfast and there was no morning kiss waiting. It was such a struggle to get out of bed. I cried in the shower, getting dressed, an all the way to work. Someone at work asked me how I was, more tears. I just couldn't get myself together.

Once my students arrived, I was forced to put on my teacher face. I got into my routine, focused on them and made it through the day with no more tears. I started to realize that the less I thought of him, the better. Once I thought about it, instant tears. I stayed after school working on my room and bulletin boards which was a great distraction. I made plans with friends after to get manicures and pedicures and grab dinner. It felt good to know that as much as I hate this, as much as I miss him, I am ok with my life and trying to move on. I have amazing friends and an awesome career that keep me busy.
I had a chance to face time with him tonight. Our first one. He seems awkward and distant. Not sure what that's about. He said he isn't used to this Skype/face time thing and he didn't know what to say. He had a couple mean comments but I think I took them the wrong way because I sort of expected him to actually miss me and show it. He is in tough guy mode. I'm not a fan. I miss my snuggly boyfriend.

It's now night time and that's when it hits. I think right now I'm more angry at myself than anything. I'm angry that I disregarded my rule of never dating military. I put myself in this position, I knew the deployment was coming up. Then my heart steps in and reminds me why I fell so hard for him and that it was completely out of my control. I just feel sad that I can't have him here. It's an overwhelming roller coaster. One minute I am a completely mess, the next I feel proactive and confident, then to anger, then back to feeling sad. I've noticed that morning and nights are the worst, because that's when we were together.

I'm sure once the weekend hits, it's going to be harder. Thank goodness I planned a girls weekend to keep me busy.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.