Sometimes I wake up and wonder how in the world I am keeping it together. I havent had tears in over a week and I feel stronger every day. I think the key to my happiness is several things...
He reminds me daily that we are in this together. He feels the loss just as much as I do and makes sure he tells me that he loves and misses me. Our emails back and forth are the highlight of my nights. I look forward to seeing his name pop up in my email and my heart starts to race. I genuinely want to hear what he has to say, his words mean everything. When I see his face on skype, nothing else seems to matter. That smile that he has plastered on his face, keeps me here. He keeps me going.
I have an amazing life outside of our relationship. My career and my students are everything to me. When they start strolling in the door at 8:30, my teacher face comes on and I am focused on them. It's all about them until they step on the bus at 3:30. The meetings, lesson planning, parent conferences, professional development and graduate school keep me even busier after school. When all that is over, I normally have homework for grad school, go out with friends, or go to the gym. The gym is my time to better myself. It makes me feel good and releases all the stress of my hectic life. I've always been one to take care of myself physically and stay in shape but Anthony is on a whole other level. He eats right, trains dirty and has an amazing body because of it. He makes me want to be even better. So I work out harder and more often.
I have so many goals that I want to accomplish before he gets home. I just moved back home with my Mom a few months ago and I am looking forward to my own place. I just paid off my car, trying to pay off tuition and saving for my new place have all been possible thanks to my Mom allowing me to come home. With this being my first year teaching, all the lay offs in my district (me being one of them) and the uncertainty of getting a new contract for next year, being home without any bills has been one less thing I needed to worry about. Summer is rapidly approaching and positions hopefully will be opening up. As soon as I land a new contract, I will be moving out.
A milso friend of mine recently confided in me that she is having a hard time with her bf's deployment. She said that she works, goes home and just sulks. I can completely understand where she is coming from. I have days where I dont get out of bed. But honestly, it makes it so much worse when I do that. When I let myself wallow in self pity, I become an angry, miserable person. I have to force myself out of bed every single day and continue my life. My responsibilities and my life didnt stop when he left and I am thankful that they didnt. As painful as it is to be without him, I am ok. He is the first thought every morning, and the last thought before I go to bed. There isnt a single moment throughout the day that I dont miss him and wish he were here. But allowing myself to wallow in that, wont do me or him any good. It wont bring him back or make this deployment go by any faster.
I pray. I pray every single day, every weak moment, and every strong moment. I know that if I didn't give this to a higher power, I wouldn't make it. Sometimes I feel as if I need Anthony so badly, that I could just completely fall apart. Then God reminds me that I had a life before him, and I must continue that life while he is gone. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am so lucky to have someone worth missing so much. God put him in my life for a reason.
Every morning I wake up, I am one day closer to seeing him. Each day that I stay busy, happy, and content in my life, makes it go by faster and makes me, him, and us stronger. Army Strong.
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