Tears and All

This week has been so emotional. I am having a hard time keeping it together. There hasn't been a single day this week that tears haven't happened. I feel like the sound of the clock is getting louder and louder. We both have been so busy this week with other things that we haven't seen each other but at night. Between me in grad school and him trying to spend these last few weeks saying see ya later to his friends and family, it's been hard. I feel like I am grasping for just a few more minutes each night and then I regret it in the morning because I'm so tired.

My brother has been in town all week and leaves on Sunday so I cooked dinner for the family last night. I absolutely adore my brother and I usually only see him once a year, in which I normally just drop everything and spend all my time with him. Last night I was hanging out with him and it was awesome. I love our time together. But I was so conflicted about not being with Anthony. It is this constant battle of wanting to keep my life balanced but then I feel extremely guilty and overwhelmed because I know he is leaving soon and I want to spend as much time with him as I can.

He reminded me last night that we have plans down state with some friends of his on Sunday. I immediately felt guilty and knew that Doug leaves on Sunday. I just cried. I am having the hardest time trying to balance life. I don't want to shut out my family and friends but the feeling of overwhelming guilt I have when I am not with him because I won't have this opportunity later is frustrating. Everyone keeps saying they understand and I should be with him but I still feel so guilty.

I need to get over this "not crying in front of him thing." I'm used to not crying in front of people. I was always criticized in my past relationship for it. It was a sign of weakness and it annoyed the shit out of my x who I was with for 7 years. so now when I feel like tears are about to happen, I run for the bathroom to hide my face.

Last night the bathroom called my name again and this time he followed me. He won't let me hide. He makes me talk about it. He cares. He held me and kept telling me that it will be ok. He loves me so much and it shows in everything he says and does.

When you find the person you want to spend every second of your life with, a year away from them seems like the end of the world. But there is no way that I am letting him out of my life over distance. He loves me way too perfectly and vice versa.

We are going to make this, tears and all.