I'm not the only one choked up

He had off yesterday and decided to do his taxes since neither of us can accomplish anything other then snuggles when we are together. He made sure to text me that he missed me and being at the apartment without me just wasn't the same. Although he did seem like he was doing something else whenever I would text him because all I would get was one word answers. I figured he was taking his down time and resting.

When I came home he was at the gym. I noticed his bags were out and his gear was in the process of being packed. Cue the tears. Good thing he wasn't home and I didn't have to run in the bathroom. I just sat against the wall and cried. It is so easy to try to ignore what is coming until reality smacks you in the face and says wake up and deal with it.

I dried my face and tried to focus on some homework while I waited for him to get home. When he came in, he was really chatty, way more then usual. I put two and two together and realized this deployment is affecting him more then I thought. I asked him if he was chatty because he had an emotional day and he said yea. That this is a lot harder then he thought. This is his 5th deployment and this is the first one he has had a hard time leaving for. I couldn't help but let my tears fall. No running in the bathroom this time. He just held me and said we would be ok. It's one thing for us girls to get choked up over them leaving. It is something else to see the guy- the strong one get choked up.

A part of me wants it to just start now and get it over with. The constant ache in your chest and the fear of tears every time you think about it is enough to make you insane. As much as I love him and want to spend every waking second with him, I'm ready for our future and that can't happen until he comes home.