Breathe

I realized this morning as I was pulling into work that I had my radio off the entire drive this morning. My thoughts were so loud, that I hadn't even noticed.

We went to dinner with his sister last night and she asked me "what are you going to do with him gone??" I politely responded with a good answer "I'm in grad school right now working on my masters, and I'll be teaching summer school so I will have plenty of things to keep me busy." She was satisfied with the answer and ended the conversation. I find myself answering this question a lot and my autopilot answer seems to always end the conversation because that's what I want it to do. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to let people know how I really feel.

Truth is, I have no idea what I am going to do when he is gone. Sure I have goals I want to accomplish and things to keep me busy but that doesn't stop the heartache you feel building in your chest every time you think about them being away for that long. It doesn't stop the lump in your throat and the burning behind your eyes when all you can do is cry because it is completely out of your control. It doesn't stop the fear that they might not come home the same person, or they might not come home at all.

I hate crying. I hate feeling weak and not in control of my feelings. I hate that with every moment I spend with him, I have to savor every second because I know this deployment is rapidly approaching.

I don't know how to explain all these feelings. It just plain sucks. The build up to the deployment is absolutely horrible and my friends that have been through this assure me that this is the worst part. That when he leaves it will start to get easier.

When we came home from dinner last night we were sitting on the couch snuggling. He said he was tired and wanted to go to bed, and I instantly got up, went into the bathroom and cried. I was already brewing from his sisters question and starting to freak about the days going by so fast and I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted a few more minutes to be awake with him. After I came back out and played it cool, we went to bed. I waited until I felt him twitching and breathing hard to let the tears stroll down my cheeks. The days are flying by, and while I love every second I have with him, I just want to stop the clock. I can't make time slow down and let me have him just a little bit longer. After a few minutes he woke up, kissed me on my cheek and felt the tears. He instantly woke up and asked me what was wrong, why was I crying?
I put my hands on my face and just sobbed. I told him how I felt and he just held me. There is nothing else he can do but hold me. He said he felt he same way and wished he could just go now and get it over with.

There is no worst feeling them being in the arms of the one you want to spend your life with, knowing they are leaving soon and everything is going to change.

I have prayed more in the last month then I have in my 27 years of life. I am constantly praying for God to calm me down and take this feelings away. So far, I'm still a mess.