I wonder if he hurts as much as I do or if his training stops him from feeling, to just ignore and push it aside. I wonder if when he crawls into bed at night, his arms ache at the loneliness of not holding me. I wonder if little things throughout the day remind him of me and he has to choke back the burning behind his eyelids. I wonder if when he opens his care packages, does the scent of home knot his stomach up because he misses it so much. I wonder if he lays in bed and struggles to keep the tears at bay as he scrolls through pictures and listens to my "see ya later" video. I wonder if he has moments where he just aches to be back home with be, if this hurts him as much as it does me.
I wonder if he feels at all. He tells me he misses and loves me, but something about it seems rehearsed. He used to open up to me, when he was home, and when he was at Bliss but once he got over there, he hardened up. I have to ask and basically force things out of him. Of course I get the usual "I don't have time to think."
I wonder if he knows that he is my first thought every morning and the last at night. If he knows that it takes hours to fall asleep because I keep scrolling through pictures, trying to remember the way he used to look at me. Angry at myself because for months I've been trying to forget as a way to stop the pain, angry that I now forget certain things all together. I wonder if he knows how every little thing reminds me of him and how it takes all of my strength to choke back the tears and force myself to smile. I wonder if he knows how much I've changed, if he has noticed or not, how much stronger I am, or that I let everyone believe. I wonder if he knows how hard I have to work to stay busy, to try to take my mind off of him, even just for a minute, to give my heart a break. I wonder if he knows how hard this deployment has been on "the waiting side." I'm left here, in all the places we spent our time, surrounded by the people we spent our time with, surrounded by his memories, our memories, trying to keep a routine, trying to open up to people enough to not feel so alone, but knowing they don't understand and you really are alone. Trying to keep my own identity, doing things that I enjoy, going to places that I love with people I love and wishing for just one second, he was there with me, holding my hand. I wonder if he knows how hard it is to be happy for friends when they start a new relationship and want to tell me all about it when all I can think about is how I forget what that feels like. How I forget what it's like to sit on the couch, snuggled in his arms, without a care in the world. I wonder if he knows that I worry about what he will be like when he comes home. If he will keep this hardened, soldier role or if maybe he opens up to let me back in. I wonder if I'm what he expects when he returns, if I'm the same girl he fell in love with, because I don't feel like her. I wonder if the nightmares will stop when he gets home or that he will know I lied when he asked me if they had and I told him yes.
I wish that he could just tell me if this is hard for him. I feel like I'm the only one who struggles. I hate being the only one who seems to be affected, which makes me not want to open up. It feels so one sided. I keep checking my email, just to see if for once, there is an email where he opens up.
I wonder if he knows that this is why I said I would never date military. But, I wonder if he knows how worth it he is to me. How all of this, is worth it, even when it is so damn hard.
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