I remember before he left, I used to search websites, blogs, anything that would give me some insight on what the journey ahead of me was going to be like. I was trying to prepare myself for as much as possible. They all kept telling me to stay busy and look forward to homecoming. I thought that was the stupidest thing I've ever heard. How the hell do you stay busy enough to not think about him, to not worry, to not feel the pain of his absence?
Well here I am almost 4 months into a year long deployment and I think I finally get it. The empty pit in your stomach when you lay in bed at night, missing them, never goes away. The feeling you get when you see a couple holding hands in public and your heart breaks a little, that doesn't go away either. You just learn to live with it. You learn to live with the pain because you know it wont last forever, and eventually, life will get back to normal when they return and these feelings will be a distant memory. You hold on to those memories you made before they left and you fantasize about what memories you will create when they get home, but the pain, that never leaves.
You stay busy. You live your life. You work, you spend time with friends and family, you do things that you enjoy and you keep them in your heart, every step of the way. That is honestly, the only way to survive this hell we call deployment.
I remember the night before he deployed and how we laid on the mattress in the living room in front of the tv that was on top of an upside down laundry basket. His apartment complex let him out of his lease for deployment and the rest of his stuff was already in storage. I remember the candle was lit, he was exhausted, the tv was on, and I had what felt like an elephant sitting on my chest. We laid on the bed, snuggled tighter then ever before, trying to stop the clock. I'll never forget the horrific feeling of that night. I knew in a few short hours, I would be dropping him off and would have to let him go. Within seconds of his head hitting that pillow, he was asleep and I was a crying mess. Laying there, rubbing his head, tears strolling down my cheeks, trying not to throw up.
The first month was strictly auto pilot. I jam packed my schedule, forcing myself to keep busy, because that's what everyone told me to do. I was a teacher during the day, and a grad student at night. I did homework and spent time with my friends on weekends and cried myself to sleep every night in between.
Once he was done training, and he got into theater, more change. The hardest part of the beginning of the deployment was getting used to all the changes. Every time we would get into a new routine, it would change and I would be a mess. Finally, we are in the swing of things. He has been over seas since Memorial weekend, I am in the middle of teaching summer school and still going to grad school, and nothing has changed in a while.
I know what to expect, when to expect his messages, when we face time, and I live my life outside of that. I've learned that I have to keep up my life, because he expects me too. Staying in bed, drowning in my sorrow, doesn't do him or me any good and it wont change our situation. I think for a long time I struggled with the guilt of living my life. I felt guilty for being happy and doing things that made me happy, because he cant be here to do those things too. Once I realized how dangerous that was, I picked myself out of bed and back into life. Now not only am I happier, but now we have more to talk about when we do talk because I have lots to update him on. It makes our conversations go smoother and I know he doesn't have to worry about me.
He sent me an email the other morning and I keep reading it. He said that he was thinking about our relationship and why it works. He said because its simple. I love him for who he is, he loves me for who I am and we don't worry about the future. We know we are going to be together and if we hit bad times, we will work it out. He said he is able to focus at work because he knows that I am handling things at home and taking care of myself, he doesn't have to worry. He said it makes his deployment a little bit easier to manage knowing that I am ok.
That gives me all the willpower to keep going. As much of a struggle that this has been, I feel proud that he doesn't really know about it. I remember the advice my brother gave me before he deployed: "dont tell him everything. Men are fixers, if they cant fix it, don't tell them. Keep a diary, talk to your friends, talk to me, do everything you have to do to stay busy and be positive when you do talk to him. Trust me, he will thank you for it." So far, he was absolutely right.....
Stay busy <3
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