I had a plan; to buy a house, finish my bachelors degree, get married, start my masters and then have two kids, back to back. By the time my kids would turn 3, I would have my masters and life would be perfect.
As I became an adult, got into college, bought a house and settled down with my then fiancé, I wanted my own children. Ive always wanted kids. I was excited that I chose the perfect career that would allow me to be home with my kids on weekends and summers. As the years went on, I wanted children so badly. I kept telling myself that once I received my degree, and got married, I would do just that. I was hell bent on doing it the right way.
When that relationship fell apart, I changed. I wanted independence and my own identity. I wanted to learn who I was and love her. The last two years I've grown to figure out who I am and I love me. I love who I am and the people I choose to keep in my life. I can grab my keys and go wherever, whenever with whoever.
When I started teaching last year, my ideas of my future changed. I'm around children all day long, every day. I interact with their parents and I'm involved in our community. I see the struggles that parents go through in order to keep their kids happy and healthy. I see the sacrifices they make in order for that to happen. Lets be honest, we live in a messed up world. There is a lot of crappy parenting going on which results in some pretty unstable children. The more I see, the less I want kids. I'm 28 years old now and my plan is royally in the trash. My idea of my future has changed so much.
When I bumped back into Anthony I was ready for a relationship, but not much else. I was still loving my independence and finding out who I was. I was excited to reconnect with an old friend, but when the heart got involved, my future again changed. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't feeling this way for him. Hell, he was one of my best friends in school. He knew me, the old me, the person I thought was long gone. Back then I stood up for myself and was spunky, full of life and never let anyone take it from me. My dreams were mine and nothing got in the way of that. Somewhere along my 7 year relationship, that was lost. I was manipulated and walked all over. The only thing I refused to let go of was my passion for teaching. When that relationship fell apart, finishing my degree was what pulled me through it, it was my focus. Now, teaching is my world. I feel like I have a purpose, like that is what I was meant to do.
Then there is Anthony. I have no doubts that we will be together. He is absolutely my future. What that looks like now, I'm not sure. I used to love the idea of marriage. Being with one person for all of your life. Growing old together and having that trust that only forms after years of being by each others side. But the older I get, the more I see, the less I believe that marriage truly is forever. I don't know any marriage that hasn't failed or is happy. It seems like once people sign those papers, start having children, they become miserable. Fighting over money, responsibilities, losing sight of the love that started it all. Why would anyone want to get married these days if that always seems to be the outcome? I'm finally living a life that I love, with someone that I'm completely in love with, and I feel that marriage and kids will ruin that.
Add the military career in to it, and I've got a list a mile long as to why I don't want children. Anthony chose the military, I chose him, if we had kids, they don't have a choice. They inherit this life. They get to live with deployments, trainings, a dad who at the drop of a hat has to go to work, no questions asked, a mom who might not be able to keep it together and be strong for them. That's not fair to them.
I don't know if my views on this will change in the future, they could. My views have already changed once. All I know is right now I'm being selfish. It may be because my love is deployed, but I don't want to share him. Ever. I want to wake up on the weekends, roll over, snuggle with the love of my life, cook breakfast and soak up his love doing whatever it is we decide to do that day.
Right now my dream is just to be honest about what I want. I want Anthony and no outside stressors. Just me and him and our love. That's it.
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