It's just a bad day.

Days like today, I need a punching bag. This post may sound bitter so I'm just going to write and not care what it sounds like. These are real, honest feelings and my goal with this blog is to document everything, and that includes the tough days and things I can't say out loud in fear of upsetting him.

I'm home sick today. I feel horrible. My ulcer is back in full force and no amount of trying to de-stress or cope is helping. I'm feeling needy and agitated today. I would give anything to have him home to snuggle with and I'm angry at myself for even needing that as an option when I know it isn't possible. I'm angry that for the next year my needs are not a priority. I'm upset that the last 4 days have been nothing but one word, short responses from him. I'm upset that I have to initiate conversation and he doesn't. I'm upset that he is always so busy. I'm upset that he tells me my texts throughout the day help him, but in reality he doesn't seem to respond to them. He seems agitated an stressed when I do text him and then I feel like I'm bothering him.

I by no means am angry with him. Im angry at our situation. I'm angry that I have to sit around and act like I am ok and nothing is bothering me. I'm upset that when I am stressed or need him, he is unavailable.

While I'm talking about things that bother me, I might as well get this out too... I'm angry that I can't ever mention marriage. I'm angry that I can't ever make any comments about wanting to marry him or our future together because of his x wife. Obviously our relationship is different or we wouldn't be together. If all the things he says are true, then why do we not talk about marriage. I'm not saying we have to jump right into the altar, Im not even saying I want to get married in the next 5 years, but constantly dancing around the subject so I don't "freak him out" is upsetting. I just want to know its in our future some day. I'm tired of paying for her mistakes. I wouldn't be dealing with a deployment and a year separation if I didn't think this was it for me. Who would actually sign up for this if they knew it wasn't going to end well? I have no doubts about our future and our commitment to each other, which makes not being able to talk about it even more difficult. Holding on to the future is all I have right now. How am I suppose to hold on, if he is unsure of it and where we are headed? I completely understand he is nervous given what he went through, but if he doesn't have more confidence in us and the fact that I'm NOT her, then why am I here?

I have to keep telling myself it's just a bad day. I know he loves me and cares how I'm feeling. I don't like how I feel right now and I hope tomorrow will be better.