I Remember

Sometimes I lay in bed, scroll through pictures, read past emails and dream about what it will be like when he comes home. I've fantasized about the day he comes home more times then I can count.

It is so easy to succumb to the "woe is me" feelings and I've had many days where it is a struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Being away from him has been by far the hardest thing I've ever done and the grief it brings, sometimes is just too much to bare. I get angry at the world, my faith feels like a constant test and just when I think I can't do this anymore, I remember.

I remember our friendship that started when we were 14 years old. I remember passing his neighborhood and wondering where he was in the world. I remember all the times I've typed his name in Facebook looking for him, just to say hey.

I remember the night last year when he tapped me on my shoulder and immediately my stomach twisted and turned in excitement at who was standing in front of me.

I remember the night we had our first date and the kiss that turned my knees weak. The way he looked at me and just like that I knew.

I remember the months we had together before he deployed. The way we naturally fell into this relationship that still amazes me.

I remember the promise I made, the morning he left, the pain of him leaving, the promise he made and the future that is waiting for us.

I may forget what his lips feel like, or the scent of his shaving cream, the way his hand feels in mine, the way his heartbeat sounds when I snuggle on his chest, the way he would look at me when he was feeling mushy...... But I can't forget the promises or those memories, the weekend snuggles, the morning chats, the nights on the couch with a glass of wine, the giggle fits we would get in to, the deep conversations where we shared insecurities, goals, dreams, our future, all those memories, remind me why I wait.

The months that we were together before he left, we had that dark cloud of deployment over us. It was always the elephant in the room. It brought me to tears on so many nights, fearful of what was to come. When he comes home, that cloud will be long gone. We will have survived this deployment so early in our relationship. I am already so proud at how we are kicking this deployments ass.

When he comes home, we will again create more memories, even more beautiful then the ones we've made, the ones that keep me going...

I can't wait.