We are finding our groove!

I am so proud! Of him, me, us, the way we are adapting to our new relationship.

Last week was really tough. It was tough letting go of the relationship I was used to with him and trying to find ways to still feel him in my life even though he is so far. I've never done a long distance relationship before, never had anybody worth it. I was wracking my brain at ways to get him to open up and stop being so cold when we would talk. I thought the best thing for me to do was to email him and let him know how my days have been going, like a recap. That way he can read it when he has time, reply and he doesn't have to step out of soldier mode in front of his troops. This way I get what I need and he can still be a guy.

Last week I tried it. I let him know I was feeling a little distressed and trying to find ways to get our communication to open up. He was immediately receptive and loved the idea just as much as I did. He replied back and told me about his day, commented about mine and reassured me that we are going to be just fine. I noticed things started to change once I opened up about what I needed from him. He started texting with me more during the day and we have been face timing at night. Last night was my favorite one yet! We laughed, he was happy and smiling. I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. Just seeing his face and hearing him laugh completely makes my day. It makes all this worth it. In a few weeks things are going to change again, but I am confident that we are going to adapt to it and continue to make it a point to show each other how much we care.

It's amazing to me how even so far away, he gives me butterflies and makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I just keep thinking about how amazing and strong our relationship will be when he comes home.

One week down, one week closer!

Staying busy

This was such a fun, much needed weekend with the girls.

Friday was rainy, cold and miserable. It made my mood so much more gloomy and miserable. I had made plans with my friends to go to one of our local spots and do some dancing. Before that I had to drop off Anthony's cable box at Comcast for him. The lady started asking questions I didn't know like his social. I explained that he deployed and I was simply dropping his stuff off. Then she gave me that dreaded look. The look that says "omg" with such sympathy that it instantly brings me to tears. Like they can't fathom what I am going through and don't want too. I got in the car and just lost it. I cried all the way to Carly's. It set my mood for the rest of the day. I tried to go out, but once we got to the bar, I saw couples together hugging and dancing all over each other and I left, right home to bed. As soon as I left, he called. Just the sound of his voice is comforting. Of course my mood changed and talking to him made everything better.

Saturday I got up, did my taxes and met up with the girls. We drove to the beach and shopped the outlets all day. It was a blast and exactly what I needed. I bought a leopard print bikini, his favorite.

Sunday Carly, Nicole and myself took the ferry over to Cape May and met up with Tricia. We shopped some more at the beach shops, stopped at a local bar, then did a wine tour.. It was so much fun. We laughed so hard all day. I am so glad I planned this weekend before I left to force me out of the house.

It is bittersweet though. A part of me feels guilty for continuing my life and moving on without him. Life still has to continue, even though he isn't here physically. I made sure to send him pictures to keep him in the loop. He said it makes his day.

As sad as I feel creating all these new memories without him, I am excited to create new ones with him when he comes home. It is what keeps me going.

Trying to embrace the change

It's only been a few days, but things are already so different. Our entire relationship is changing. I was warned by others, I knew it was coming, but it still hurts nonetheless.

It's hard going from talking all day long, seeing them each morning/night, being a part of their daily life.... To maybe a text hear or there with one word answers or short messages. I have no idea what he is doing, who he's with, how he feels, nothing.

This is such a huge adjustment. When all I really want/need to hear him say is he misses me and that this hurts him just as much as it hurts me. I know he's probably trying to deal in his own tough guy way, but I'm not amused. I haven't heard from him today but that he was on his way to breakfast this morning and I am trying to go to bed without feeling upset and needy.

I miss him so much it hurts. It seems like he is going about his life, like nothing happened. Calm, cool and collected. Looks like it's time for me to do the same. I'm ready for my girls weekend.

Oh well, another day down, one day closer.

Roller coaster

People were not lying when they said the roller coaster of emotions during a deployment were serious. I'm going to recap the night before he left and since then in this post so you can see all the different emotions.
The day before, we both had to work and he had a bunch of last minute errands to run. I met up with him at his apartment around 5. Him and his buddy were there to get the couch out and the box frame to the bed. I kept busy in the kitchen, cooking dinner so I didn't have to see what was going on. I could already feel myself being distant because I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Sadness because I knew it was our last night, frustrated that I couldn't stop crying, happy that I was still with him and angry at myself for not being able to keep it together. When I get overwhelmed like that, I just shut down and get really quiet. Which is awkward because I am a very vibrant and open person.
His buddy left, we ate dinner and neither of us spoke. It was like the elephant in the room. I knew that if I spoke, everything was going to come blubbering out of me like emotional, verbal vomit. He finally told me to say something, as soon as I went to open my mouth, all of my emotions came flying out, tears and all. I told him how the last few months I was ok with him leaving because I knew I still had time. I still had memories to make and moments to soak up. All of a sudden I was out of time and I wasn't ready. I loved our life together and I wasn't ready to let it all go. I wasn't ready to miss him or not be apart of him everyday life. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. He just held me really right and kept saying it will be ok, that we would be ok. That it would be over before we knew it and we would pick up right where we left off. I eventually calmed myself and we laid in bed for our last time. He fell asleep almost immediately while I struggled to not fall asleep. I couldn't let myself fall asleep knowing that as soon as I did, the alarm would be going off and I would have to drop him off. So I laid there, I cried, I watched him sleep, and I prayed. I prayed like I've never prayed before. Eventually I fell asleep and then the alarm went off. We locked up the apartment for the last time, got in my car and headed to drop him off. I tried to be strong. I tried my hardest to choke them back so he wouldn't see it. I pulled up, he got his bags from the back, gave me a kiss and was gone. Just like that. It sort of bothered me how easy it was for him to just walk away. He didn't even flinch. I don't know what hurt more, watching him walk away or not seeing any emotion from him.
Once I pulled away and started driving, I cried, like hysterical, couldn't catch my breath, had to pull over and throw up, kind of cry. I got home, laid in bed and just cried even more.

Nothing could have prepared me to watch him walk away, knowing I couldn't go with him. Knowing it would be a really long time before I saw him again. It felt as if someone had physically ripped my heart out and I was still alive somehow, suffering through it. I kept thinking about how long a year was, everything he would miss, the routine that we were in was now going to have to change. I didn't want it to change. I loved our life. I loved the morning kiss and making him breakfast, smelling his shaving cream and him going off to work. I loved having dinner ready for him when he got home. I loved our snuggles on the couch with a glass of wine. I didn't want to change anything. It was such a hard day. I tried to reorganize my room and stay busy but eventually I just laid in bed and let myself sulk. I did some homework and then tried to go to sleep knowing I had work this morning. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up a few times, trying to reach for him only to get cold air, wake up to the realization and cry some more. I finally dozed off around 3 and my alarm was set for 6:30. I got up, realized I didn't have to make breakfast and there was no morning kiss waiting. It was such a struggle to get out of bed. I cried in the shower, getting dressed, an all the way to work. Someone at work asked me how I was, more tears. I just couldn't get myself together.

Once my students arrived, I was forced to put on my teacher face. I got into my routine, focused on them and made it through the day with no more tears. I started to realize that the less I thought of him, the better. Once I thought about it, instant tears. I stayed after school working on my room and bulletin boards which was a great distraction. I made plans with friends after to get manicures and pedicures and grab dinner. It felt good to know that as much as I hate this, as much as I miss him, I am ok with my life and trying to move on. I have amazing friends and an awesome career that keep me busy.
I had a chance to face time with him tonight. Our first one. He seems awkward and distant. Not sure what that's about. He said he isn't used to this Skype/face time thing and he didn't know what to say. He had a couple mean comments but I think I took them the wrong way because I sort of expected him to actually miss me and show it. He is in tough guy mode. I'm not a fan. I miss my snuggly boyfriend.

It's now night time and that's when it hits. I think right now I'm more angry at myself than anything. I'm angry that I disregarded my rule of never dating military. I put myself in this position, I knew the deployment was coming up. Then my heart steps in and reminds me why I fell so hard for him and that it was completely out of my control. I just feel sad that I can't have him here. It's an overwhelming roller coaster. One minute I am a completely mess, the next I feel proactive and confident, then to anger, then back to feeling sad. I've noticed that morning and nights are the worst, because that's when we were together.

I'm sure once the weekend hits, it's going to be harder. Thank goodness I planned a girls weekend to keep me busy.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

Dear God

Dear God,

I come to you with a heavy heart and a tear stained pillow. Today I had to watch my soldier walk away, knowing that I couldn't go with him. Knowing that he was headed to unsafe places and I am not allowed to wipe the sweat off his forehead and rub his head until he falls asleep. Knowing that his side of the bed is going to be cold for an entire year. Knowing that when I cook, I'm now only cooking for 1 person. Knowing that when I have a tough day at work, his arms will not be at home to greet me, or vice versa. We are going to be spending birthdays, holidays, special events, and weekend snuggles, separated. God, I know that you have a plan for me, for him, for us. Whatever that plan is, I hope him and I will be together again one day soon. You brought him into my life for a reason. I've savored every kiss, every hug, every weekend snuggle, knowing that this was coming. I'm prepared and ready, but I still am going to need your help. I'm going to need a comforting hand at night time when I'm at my loneliest. I'm going to need friends and family that can keep me busy and my mind off our separation. I'm going to need confidence in myself that I can do this, confidence in him that he will come home to me, and confidence in you when I'm having a hard time with all of it. God, please make sure he feels my love every day when he thinks about me and misses me. Make sure he feels my comfort when he is lonely or tired. Make sure that he knows I will be here waiting when he gets finished, just like I promised. Please help this time apart make us stronger as individuals and as a couple.

My heart is heavy and feels unbearable right now. I know that you say to enjoy life and savor every moment, but if this next year flew by, I wouldn't be upset. Please just bring my soldier back home to me. Amen.

Ready To Kick This Deployments Ass!

He makes me laugh so hard and I absolutely love it. We have these moments of complete goofiness and it reminds me why I fell in love with him. I can act myself and it's completely cool with him. When I get goofy, he gets goofy and his bad ass demeanor melts away. I love when he opens up and puts away the tough exterior to let me in.

This morning he woke up early to get to the ceremony and meet with the battalion. I made him some tea, because I had to do something for him. I had to make myself be a part of getting him out the door, I needed to make myself useful, even at 6am. Once he left, I laid in bed and wondered "Is this what it's going to feel like when he's gone?" "A cold side of the bed and a knot in my stomach? "A lonely, empty feeling?" I let a few tears fall as I convinced myself to get up and get ready for the ceremony.

I picked up my friend Carly. Thank God for her. I don't know what I would do without her to hold my hand through this. We drive down state to where the ceremony was held and she let me gush the whole way there about why I was waiting for him. Why he was worth every.single.moment of waiting and every.single.tear that streams down my face. By the time we arrived, I felt confident, proud and ready to kick this deployments ass.

We sat down in the bleachers and today was a beautiful, sunny day. A bit windy, but beautiful. I listened to the Commander and the General boast about my soldier and his battalion, about how they are going to make our State proud. All I could think about was how proud I WAS. My soldier, my everything, my world. I am so proud of him.

I still have a few more days to squeeze him a little bit tighter, sneak in a few more kisses and snuggle a little longer.

As crazy as this sounds I am ready to see him off and get this deployment started. I'm ready to kick this deployments ass and welcome him home back into my arms. I'm ready for this next chapter in our relationship. I am going to ache and cry and miss him so much, but I'm thankful that I have someone so amazing to miss.

Trying to embrace the suck

Things have been so good, that it was bound to come back down eventually. I was super proud of myself for keeping my shit together this close to saying "see ya later." I have been proactively thinking positive and knowing that we are going to kick this deployments ass and be so much stronger when he comes home. I am slowly learning when to walk away from things I know I can't handle. For example- he started packing up his apartment this week. I knew that it wasn't something that I thought I could sit and watch, so I made plans to go shopping for an outfit for New York. We made plans to go spend time in New York and see his friends. I was beyond excited and was pumped to have a cute outfit for it.

I came home, fully prepared to see the apartment packed up. I had pep talked myself all afternoon. I was ready. I could do this.

I came in and it was all right next to the front door. I choked it back. I could feel my chest tighten up and my eyes starting to burn. He came in behind me and looked at me. His eyes said "it's ok to cry." So I did. I fell right into his arms, tucked my head in his chest, and just sobbed. I couldn't even speak. The overwhelming fear, the heart wrenching feeling of knowing that I have to be away from him for a year, nothing can prepare you for this. No amount of pep talk, or preparing yourself, can ever be enough.

After a few minutes, I pulled myself together, and sat on the couch. We talked about it and he assured me that we would be ok. I was starting to calm myself down, then picked up my phone and started to browse Facebook and it HIT me hard, again. It was an invitation to his deployment ceremony, on the day we had planned for New York. Right to the stomach. It was as if someone just sucker punched me right in the stomach and let all the wind out. The one event that I was really looking forward to. It was keeping a smile on my face. A memory that I could hold on to while he is away.

I showed it to him and I saw the wind get let out of him too. He was upset. We assumed it would be the following day instead of the day they had it planned for. He called his buddy and had to cancel. We both just sat there, upset, trying to just keep it together.

All of a sudden, shit just got real. He really is deploying for a year. It's really happening. And it's happening way too soon. These last few months I kept telling myself that I still had time. I still had memories to make, snuggles to have, morning kisses to give, dinners to cook and chats to talk. Now in the blink of an eye, all of a sudden, I'm out of time.

It feels as if God is playing a trick on me. He has given me what I've been looking for. 7 years of a toxic relationship, struggles and defeat have finally been for this. For him. I have been given what my heart was looking for, craving for, but now it's being taken away, and I have to wait a year to get it back. Like I have to prove that I deserve it, I have to prove my faith all over again.

I am learning that sometimes it's ok, to not be ok. It's ok to break down and cry. It's ok to not be so tough all the time. It's ok to embrace the suck.

Don't worry, that's not his deployment date. Opsec 101.