Space

One of the biggest lessons I've learned through this deployment so far, is knowing when to give myself space. He is so busy every single day. Working from sun up to well past sun down. As much as I would absolutely love to see his face and Skype every night, sometimes I need to give us space, just let him do his job and let him get some sleep.

The last few days, I haven't felt as strong. I haven't slept more then 2-3 hours a night and I keep having nightmares. Which makes me want to talk to him even more to calm my fears. I lay in bed at night and I force myself to think about the memories we shared before he left. I am starting to forget the simple things like what he smells like, what his touch feels like, the way his heart beat sounds when I lay on his chest. The realization that I'm forgetting these things as a way to cope sent me into a panic. I don't want to forget. The memories are painful because they make me miss him even more, if that's even possible. But knowing that I'm forgetting them is a double edge sword. It's a constant battle between remembering and forgetting.

He usually lets me know when we can Skype and I can prepare myself. A few nights ago, he didn't give me a heads up and he caught me crying. I had to hurry up and dry my face before the camera connected. I felt so guilty. Crying makes me feel weak. I don't see anything attractive about it, but sometimes, I just can't control it. With him being deployed, I can hide it. You can't see the tears through email. It's hard for me to let him see that side of me because if I don't like the tears, I know he doesn't. Who wants to see their gf cry and not be in control of her emotions? I'd much rather him see me strong and in control.

I haven't really wanted to Skype lately. He can always tell when I'm upset or thinking too much and he tries to get me to talk about it. He already has so much to worry about. The last thing he needs added to his plate is an upset gf. So I told him last night and tonight to not worry about Skype. To do what he has to do and then get some sleep. It took every ounce of my being to say it. Just seeing his smile always makes it better but I just don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to worry or get upset. On nights that we don't Skype, we email. I haven't responded to his because I don't know what to say. I don't want to seem cold and distant but it's hard to be positive and share my day with him when I feel so negative. Last nights email that I wrote, I felt lacked emotion because I was trying so hard to keep it at bay.

I don't live near a base or have a bunch of milso girlfriends. I have one friend who's currently in a deployment but I feel like when I talk about it with her, it reminds her of her situation and brings her down too. I don't know how to do this.

On top of all that... I am pretty sure my stomach ulcer is back. I had one when I was a teenager from my parents divorce. It took me years, stomach meds and some coping skills to finally get rid of it. Lately I haven't had an appetite and when I get upset, I get extremely nauseous with sharp stomach pains. I know those symptoms all too well. I need to stop internalizing everything and talk. Nobody understands, so talking isn't an option.

I need to pray, and then let it go. I know what I need to do, but I just don't know how.

Night time Struggle

I have yet to conquer night time. I force myself to stay busy during the day so that my mind doesn't wander to him. Most of the time I still think about him but I am successful at staying focused on other things.

Then night time hits, the memories, the cold side of the bed, the empty feeling and oh the tears. I try to force myself to think of the homecoming and all the things we will do when he gets home, but other nights, nights like tonight, my heart aches for him. For his arms around me, his breathe on my cheek, his whispers in my ear, his kisses, so much so that the tears don't stop. It gives the most sickening, emptiest feeling you could ever imagine.

Sometimes I tell him when I'm upset. Other times, nights like tonight, when the pain is so awful, I just don't know how to put it into words. I know he knows when I am having a tough time, and I know he doesn't know what to say. Which makes me not want to tell him even more. There is nothing anyone can say. There is no point in making him feel bad, especially when there is nothing he or anyone can do to help. It's just something we have to get through.

I want the emptiness to go away. I want the tears to stop falling. I want to be able to roll over and see him there and not just his picture on the nightstand. I want these dog tags off my chest.

I want him home.

Deployment Playlist

I mentioned in my last post that music is my outlet. It puts into words and harmony what my heart cant say. Most nights I lay in bed, listen to music and daydream about the life we have ahead of us when he comes home. I thought it would be a good idea to put my playlist down in case anyone wants some new music to listen to.
Enjoy!

Come Home Soon- SheDAISY

When You're Gone- Avril Lavigne

Wish You Were Here- Avril Lavigne

Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne

All Your Life- The Band Perry

Sure Be Cool If You Did- Blake Shelton

My Kind Of Crazy- Brantley Gilbert

Fall Into Me- Brantley Gilbert

More Than Miles- Brantley Gilbert

It Will Rain- Bruno Mars

See You Again- Carrie Underwood

Do You Think About Me- Carrie Underwood

Have You Forgotten?- Darryl Worley

I Miss My Friend- Darryl Worley

Home- Daughtry

Can't Shake You- Gloriana

Turn My World Around- Gloriana

I Gotta Be- Jagged Edge

Promise- Jagged Edge

Anywhere With You - Jake Owen

I Won't Give Up- Jason Mraz

Letters From Home- John Michael Montgomery

Need You Now- Lady Antebellum

Ho Hey- The Lumineers

Daylight- Maroon

Far Away- Nickelback

How Come You're Not Here- Pink

Right here Waiting- Richard Marx

What Now- Rihanna

Wait For Me- Theory of A Deadman

Hello Lonely (Walk Away from This)- Theory of a Deadman

I Got You - Thompson Square

Here Without You- Three Doors Down

Highway Don't Care (feat. Taylor Swift & Keith Urban)- Tim McGraw

American Soldier- Toby Keith

You Shouldn't Kiss Me Like This- Toby Keith

Lately- Tyrese

I Can't Go On- Tyrese

I Will- Usher

Not a Day Goes By- Lonestar

A Moment Like This- Kelly Clarkson

Sleeping With the Telephone- Faith Hill

Talking To The Moon (Acoustic Piano Version)- Bruno Mars

A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton

When I'm Gone 3 Doors Down

What songs are on your deployment list?

Daily Reminders

Sometimes I wake up and wonder how in the world I am keeping it together. I havent had tears in over a week and I feel stronger every day. I think the key to my happiness is several things...

He reminds me daily that we are in this together. He feels the loss just as much as I do and makes sure he tells me that he loves and misses me. Our emails back and forth are the highlight of my nights. I look forward to seeing his name pop up in my email and my heart starts to race. I genuinely want to hear what he has to say, his words mean everything. When I see his face on skype, nothing else seems to matter. That smile that he has plastered on his face, keeps me here. He keeps me going.

I have an amazing life outside of our relationship. My career and my students are everything to me. When they start strolling in the door at 8:30, my teacher face comes on and I am focused on them. It's all about them until they step on the bus at 3:30. The meetings, lesson planning, parent conferences, professional development and graduate school keep me even busier after school. When all that is over, I normally have homework for grad school, go out with friends, or go to the gym. The gym is my time to better myself. It makes me feel good and releases all the stress of my hectic life. I've always been one to take care of myself physically and stay in shape but Anthony is on a whole other level. He eats right, trains dirty and has an amazing body because of it. He makes me want to be even better. So I work out harder and more often.

I have so many goals that I want to accomplish before he gets home. I just moved back home with my Mom a few months ago and I am looking forward to my own place. I just paid off my car, trying to pay off tuition and saving for my new place have all been possible thanks to my Mom allowing me to come home. With this being my first year teaching, all the lay offs in my district (me being one of them) and the uncertainty of getting a new contract for next year, being home without any bills has been one less thing I needed to worry about. Summer is rapidly approaching and positions hopefully will be opening up. As soon as I land a new contract, I will be moving out.

A milso friend of mine recently confided in me that she is having a hard time with her bf's deployment. She said that she works, goes home and just sulks. I can completely understand where she is coming from. I have days where I dont get out of bed. But honestly, it makes it so much worse when I do that. When I let myself wallow in self pity, I become an angry, miserable person. I have to force myself out of bed every single day and continue my life. My responsibilities and my life didnt stop when he left and I am thankful that they didnt. As painful as it is to be without him, I am ok. He is the first thought every morning, and the last thought before I go to bed. There isnt a single moment throughout the day that I dont miss him and wish he were here. But allowing myself to wallow in that, wont do me or him any good. It wont bring him back or make this deployment go by any faster.

I pray. I pray every single day, every weak moment, and every strong moment. I know that if I didn't give this to a higher power, I wouldn't make it. Sometimes I feel as if I need Anthony so badly, that I could just completely fall apart. Then God reminds me that I had a life before him, and I must continue that life while he is gone. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am so lucky to have someone worth missing so much. God put him in my life for a reason.

Every morning I wake up, I am one day closer to seeing him. Each day that I stay busy, happy, and content in my life, makes it go by faster and makes me, him, and us stronger. Army Strong.

Holding on for dear life.

It's 1am and it's my usual date with my phone. Sleep has been pretty non existent lately so my phone and I catch up. I stare at pictures, replay memories, try to create new ones in my head of what it's going to be like when he comes home, and listen to music. Music is my outlet. It speaks when sometimes I don't have the words. It comforts when he can't.

I'm holding on for dear life. Our emails, texts and Skype dates keep me going. It's why I wake up every morning, put a smile on my face and keep pushing. We are getting really good at this email thing. It allows both of us to open up and say things we might never have in person. He says and feels things that I never expected. Reading what he has to say is the best part of my day and I fall in love with him a little bit more each time.

I have been thinking about getting a yellow ribbon on my wrist for years. With both of my brothers in the service, it has always been something I'm passionate about. I woke up the other morning and decided to finally do it. It means a lot to me, especially now with my other half gone. I see it on my wrist now and it's a little reminder, to keep holding on. That even though he is gone, he will be home one day. This deployment isn't going to last forever and when he gets back, his hand will slip into mine and ill be reminded of why I waited.

Angry.

Today I am angry.

I'm angry that when I have a tough day at school, there are no open arms to greet me when I get home. I'm angry that I can't curl up in his chest and let him wrap his arms around me and tell me it will be ok. I'm angry that I have to tell him I'm ok, when I'm not. I'm angry that I feel like I am setting our relationship up for failure because I can't be honest. I can't tell him that I can't think about his face, or his kiss or his touch or any memory that we created together because it hurts too much. I cant tell him that I just want to curl up in my bed and stay for the next year. I cant tell him how much it hurts to be the third wheel with my friends or have to cancel because their SO is there and it hurts too much to see them together. I cant tell him that I hate seeing other couples together because it reminds me that my other half is away. I cant tell him that some days I am not so strong, that I wonder if we can do this, if I will be strong enough. I cant tell him that I feel like a part of me is missing, and I feel some what empty. I cant tell him that even though I stay busy with school and grad school, that no amount of focus on them, stops me from thinking about him and missing him. I'm angry that I have to smile and act like I am ok, when all I want to do is cry. I'm angry that people don't understand. I'm angry that my friends look at me and say he will be home before you know it. I'm angry that they can't make me feel better. I'm angry that no one can fix it.I'm angry that it feels like he has been gone forever when it has only been a week. I'm angry that his shirt is already losing his scent. I'm angry that when I roll over at night time, its cold on his side. I'm angry that my mind wont let it rest and I even dream about him. I'm angry that even in my dreams, I see his face and I can feel him. Then I wake up and realize he is still gone and it throws off my entire day. I'm angry that I cant think about the homecoming or things we are going to do when he gets home, because it reminds me of how long he will be gone. I'm angry that I have finally found what I was looking for, and it was taken from me, just like that.

I'm angry that I am not strong today.

We are finding our groove!

I am so proud! Of him, me, us, the way we are adapting to our new relationship.

Last week was really tough. It was tough letting go of the relationship I was used to with him and trying to find ways to still feel him in my life even though he is so far. I've never done a long distance relationship before, never had anybody worth it. I was wracking my brain at ways to get him to open up and stop being so cold when we would talk. I thought the best thing for me to do was to email him and let him know how my days have been going, like a recap. That way he can read it when he has time, reply and he doesn't have to step out of soldier mode in front of his troops. This way I get what I need and he can still be a guy.

Last week I tried it. I let him know I was feeling a little distressed and trying to find ways to get our communication to open up. He was immediately receptive and loved the idea just as much as I did. He replied back and told me about his day, commented about mine and reassured me that we are going to be just fine. I noticed things started to change once I opened up about what I needed from him. He started texting with me more during the day and we have been face timing at night. Last night was my favorite one yet! We laughed, he was happy and smiling. I feel like I am falling in love with him all over again. Just seeing his face and hearing him laugh completely makes my day. It makes all this worth it. In a few weeks things are going to change again, but I am confident that we are going to adapt to it and continue to make it a point to show each other how much we care.

It's amazing to me how even so far away, he gives me butterflies and makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I just keep thinking about how amazing and strong our relationship will be when he comes home.

One week down, one week closer!