One of the hardest things to deal with is expectations. We both were excited that school was out and we would be able to face time more often since I wouldn't be working when he is available. I assumed that since we normally text every day for about 30 minutes, that we could now just face time instead. Umm wrong.
The last week or so he has been exhausted, not really wanting to face time and to be honest, it's heart breaking. I've tried to keep my emotions at bay and remind myself it's not about me, he's just tired. But sometimes pep talking myself doesn't work.
Last Friday, we had planned to face time. I did my hair, make up, looked cute and he was late messaging me. He was too tired and didn't want to face time. I broke down. It took everything in me not to snap at him. I know it's not his fault and I'm glad I didn't react how I felt. I waited until the next day to let him know that I need that time with him. Sometimes I need to see his face and watch him talk. I sometimes forget what his voice sounds like or how his lips curve when he talks. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss him. It physically hurts.
I had my wisdom teeth pulled this week and for the most part I've been pretty out of it. I had all 4 pulled and 3 were impacted, so it was and still is pretty painful. I've been forced to stay home and relax, something I don't like. When in home, I think, and that is never a good thing. I had a pool day with Laura yesterday and felt bad that I wasn't all that available to talk to him. As usually, he said he was tired, so I took that as him not wanting to talk and let it go. Today, I had a ton of errands to run to get ready for our road trip tomorrow. I decided to stay home and work on his birthday care package instead so I could face time him if he wanted to.
Of course, he didn't want to. And of course I cried.
Deployments suck. Plain and simple. It's a constant struggle between living your life and trying to stay busy, but also being available when they actually want to talk, which isn't very often. I can't even imagine the struggles he goes through, or how exhausted he really is because he doesn't ever really tell me. I try to stay positive and upbeat so he doesn't worry.
I think they underestimate how much we really need them. Yes I have a great life that keeps me busy while he's away, but I need him so much more then I like to admit. I'm thinking I need to stop being so tough and acting like I'm superwoman and tell him how much I actually need him..
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