Yesterday, I was beyond my breaking point. I felt that I couldn't go on another second feeling so much pain and anxiety. I've been feeling not like a priority, more like an obligation to him. I've tried to tell him, but I guess my attempt fell short because nothing came of it. I have a hard time with telling him I need more. I don't want him to take his focus off of his job. I want him to come home to me. I'm afraid if I take too much from him, something will go wrong, he'll loose focus and get hurt. I NEED him to come home. I'm not used to needing anyone's attention.
In my past relationship, when things upset me, I just ignore it and move on. It's been my way of coping. I NEVER talk about feelings or emotions. It's a foreign topic.
I reached out to a fellow milso yesterday. She told me to tell him, to open up and let him in on my feelings. Like really tell him. Communication is the only way we are going to get through this. She's right. My days of ignoring and moving on are over.
I thought about it and the outcome if I keep trying to act like I'm ok. I will lose him. This will not work. The deployment will win and our relationship will fail.
He texted me yesterday with "had a long day, just going to bed, talk to you tomorrow, love you" and that's all it took for the breakdown. I didn't respond. How do you respond when you feel completely broken? When you don't get what you need but you can't open up and tell him you need more.
He texts me a few minutes later (I think he knew something was wrong) and actually wanted to face time. Of course when my face is swollen, red and snotty from having a meltdown. I hit the accept button and the second I saw his face, the world seemed to be less dark. Something in his smile, his beautiful, dark eyes, that just make the world seem right again.
I told him how I felt and he told me that I HAVE to be honest and tell him or he won't know and things won't change. He always knows just want to say. I have no idea why I just can't open up. He never responds with anything but love and understanding.
All it takes is 10 minutes of his beautiful face, and I feel like I can do this again. My big girl panties are back on. He keeps reminding me why I fell in love with him. He makes me challenge myself. He pushes me out of my comfort zone and into a whole new world of honesty and love. He makes me want to fight for this, because I know how worth it will be in the end. I'm sure this won't be the last time I internalize things and he has to pick me back up. But I'm glad that I have someone so amazing that is growing and learning with me.
Deployments are beyond hard. But when you find something that is irreplaceable, you fight and you fight hard, to do what you have to do to keep your head above water. I love him, so I'll keep fighting.
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