Cryfest

This weekend was full of emotions that I am still sorting through. We spent the weekend together and as always, I love him even more with every second I spend with him. It's like, this is exactly how it should be. THIS is what amazing, soul awakening, earth shattering love feels like. This is what people sing about, what authors write about, what makes the world go round and at 27, I am finally feeling all of it. For once in my life, I'm not seeing a thousand red flags, or have that annoying gut feeling that it's all wrong. I'm content and completely happy. He seems to make everything in my head, calm.

With all these amazing emotions comes fear. For the first time, I cried over something he said. It shook me up and I was really in full blown tears over it. The tears and emotions took me by surprise. I'm used to my tough personality and normally I would have just said a few curse words at him and kept it moving. Of course what he said came out all wrong, and as usual I took it completely the wrong way and it was a total communication fail. But just the thought that he doesn't care or want me was enough to send me into hysteria. When I get upset or angry, I just get quiet. He noticed and of course we talked through my cry fest as I tried to calm myself down.

I'm scared. Of quite a few things actually.

I'm scared that he doesn't care or love me as much as I love him. (Sounds childish right?)

I'm scared that because of his past, he won't fight for me if something went wrong. I'm scared that he won't care enough to keep me around and work at it.

I'm scared that when he gets over seas, he will forget about me because I won't be apart of his every day life.

I'm scared that his feelings will change after being apart for so long.

I'm scared that our communication will not be what I need or expect and I will get resentful of the situation and him.

I'm scared that he will be so busy and having his head in his work and his environment that we won't have a relationship.

I'm scared because I know that everything I love about him and our relationship is
going to change.

I'm scared that my insecurities and flaws are going to freak when he leaves/ is gone.

What if he cheats? What if he is too busy to talk for months on end? What if he doesn't miss me? What if he doesn't want to call or Skype? What if I can't do this? What if I can't give him what he needs while he is gone? What if our communication isn't good enough and neither get what we need?

I know these are normal, but being this vulnerable and emotional is scary.

I'll be leaving for California this week to see my brother get married, he will be away doing some training for two weeks a well. Two weeks apart is going to be difficult but I guess it's preparation for what is to come.

Lord please give me strength.