I wonder why I wait, why I lay in bed, alone, night after night, fighting my own demons, convincing myself that one day it will all be worth it. What is it about him that make the tears worth it? The ache in your chest and the lump in your throat when you realize you still have so many more lonely nights ahead. What makes the awkward conversations with friends when they squeal about date nights with their bfs, worth it? What makes holiday weekends spent alone because your friends feel bad about you being the third or fifth wheel, worth it? What makes having exciting days at work worth coming home to an empty house?
Sometimes I wonder why I do it. The pain of him not being here is almost unbearable sometimes. You try to stay busy and you get really good at convincing yourself you're ok. Friends and family stop asking because the autopilot answer seems convincing enough.
I wonder what makes the dropped Skype calls and praying to God that it connects for more then 2 minutes so you can get a sentence out without it freezing and disconnecting, worth it. I wonder what makes sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket instead of his arms, worth it.
Then that Skype call connects and I see his face and all of a sudden, the dark world that I live in seems bright. It gives me hope when I realize how much he needs me to keep holding on. When he talks about past memories and memories he wants to make when he gets home, it strengthens my faith that its worth it. Something's about him, our relationship, his love for me, and mine for him, that keeps me here, waiting, waiting for the other half of my heart to be complete.
We are almost half way there, just keep swimming.
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