Lately I've been full of resentment and questioning waiting the rest of this deployment. I find myself not even wanting to talk to him. I want to hear from him because I need to know he is safe but it conversations suck. It's so routine. "How was your day?" "What's your plans or the weekend?" Etc. we don't talk about feelings, I'm not allowed. This is not the person I fell in love with and this isn't the journey I signed up for. I'm becoming resentful and questioning why I'm even waiting.
I've been through a lot. I was with someone for 7 years who I was never allowed to be myself. I wasn't allowed to talk about feelings. I vowed I would never be in that position again. Well here I am, all over again.
Before he left and the first few months he was gone, he WANTED me to talk about it. He shared stories with me and we would have deep conversations. I fell in love with him because he opened up to me. I felt connected to him. I knew him in places other people didn't.
Fast forward 5 months in and I've never felt more disconnected. I sent him an email a few weeks ago saying I was having a rough night and he completely ignored it. Never even responded. It put me right back in that 7 year hell hole of feeling rejected. I said something to him and he basically shut me down. Said talking about feelings made him uncomfortable. He wasn't "a feelings guy" and never will be.
I'm trying to figure out who the person I fell in love was then, cause this certainly isn't him. And I'm positive that person wouldn't have made that comment and made me feel stupid for opening up. Now I'm sitting here wondering who the real person is and what's coming home when he does.
If this is the real him, I'm not sticking around when he comes home. I'm not going to put myself in another relationship that has no emotions. I need that connection.
So here I am, half way through a deployment, completely disconnected and feeling like I don't know him at all. I have no idea the person I'm getting when he comes home.
I feel stupid.
I know they said deployments change people but I didn't realize it would change one of the biggest things I loved about him. The one thing that made me feel so connected to him. How do you go through a deployment with just casual conversation? Never talking about feelings or connecting on an emotional level? I have no idea how I'm going to do this without creating bitterness and resentment.
Lord help.
Hi Victoria, I found your blog through the Military SO Blogging Community. I see that you posted this almost a month ago, so I hope things have gotten better for you since then! I just want to let you know that you are not alone. My husband isn't deployed right now, but he was last year and will be again next year. He is not a "feelings guy" either. We had lots of just casual conversations over the eight months that he was gone and it was really hard on me. He eventually admitted that it made it much easier for him to be somewhat "disconnected" from me. Well, hello, I'm about to give birth to your child so we need to reconnect! :) Things were rough for the first few weeks after he got home as we adjusted to being together again, but it went back to normal after that (aside from the fact that we were now parents). Deployment is hard on EVERY couple, even the ones that are all lovey dovey to each other throughout the entire thing. Our best friends were that way and it was still very hard for them! I pray that everything will work out for you when he comes home and you will find the man you fell in love with again. I definitely plan on having a long talk with my husband before he deploys next year and saying we WILL talk about our feelings while he's gone. :) I hope it works. Good luck to you!
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