My New Years Resolution

The holidays are about spending time with the ones you love, creating memories and appreciating the things that matter the most. When you have a spouse deployed, there is no greater feeling of worry, desperation, fear, loneliness and pride. It is a constant roller coaster of emotions and the holidays heighten those emotions. You feel so lonely and guilty. You try your absolute hardest to put a smile on your face and appreciate the time spent with family, but there is the biggest hole in your heart wishing they could be home. 

I remember the night before he left, laying down, staring at him, begging God to keep him safe and bring him home to me. Praying that I would be strong enough to endure this journey with him and mentally preparing myself for what was to come. With 2 brothers in the service, I thought this would be just like them leaving. I've been down this road before and I knew what to expect; the spotty internet, communication issues, dangerous missions, months of routine and staying busy, and the emotions leading up to homecoming. Now that we are at the end of the deployment, I have no idea how I survived it. It has been the hardest, most exhausting journey I have ever been on. 

We are getting ready to come into the new year and counting down the weeks until his return. This year my new years resolution is simple: to wrap my arms around him and love him the best I can. To show him everyday that he was worth every single second of separation and tears. To nurture the amazing relationship that we started when he left and make it even stronger once he gets home. 

Deployments suck, but they teach you so much about yourself, and your relationship. They make you appreciate the little things and savor every moment with them. Savor the moments with the one you love, appreciate them or who they are and let go of the little stuff. In the end, it doesn't matter anyway.

Coping through a deployment

I have been asked several times "How do you do it?" "How do you handle a deployment, especially so early in your relationship?" Sometimes I answer with "you just do!" But lately I've really been thinking about all the things that help me cope with him being gone. We are almost 9 months in and the end is in sight. Each day brings me closer to homecoming and also brings a bit more strength. I thought I would make a list of things that have helped me get this far...

1. FRIENDS! They keep me busy and having fun. I have the best friends in the world and we have a blast together. We laugh, we share hard times, good times, lots of food and wine, but more importantly, they are always there to give me a hug and tell me to keep my chin up. Sometimes they cry with me other times they keep my mind off of it. A few girls in particular always have exactly the right words, or hug to get me through. 

2. My career. I'm a teacher and I absolutely am in love with it. I wake up every morning excited to see my kids and make them laugh and vice versa. I work with a very tough group of third graders who need so much love and compassion as much as an education. They absolutely keep me going. When communication with my love is minimal or the deployment is getting to us, I throw myself into my career and my students and I, we have such great days. Teaching is time consuming, stressful, emotionally draining, but oh so worth it. Walking into my classroom in the morning and getting swarmed with weekend stories and hugs is the highlight of my day. They make me feel needed and loved as a teacher. 

3. Care packages. Thinking of themes, getting the supplies, sending him my love in a box... It makes my heart beat faster. He is the love of my life and words don't do justice for how much I feel for him. Care packages are my way of showing him that the girl he left behind.. Is still here, loving him and supporting him every day, even when communication is tough. I hope that when he opens the box, he smiles really big and can feel my love oozing out of it. I hope that he feels me giving him a huge hug and it carries him through his day. Care packages also give me something else to focus on. 

4. The love we had before he left. I can't explain it. We were friends in high school, lost touch for 10 years, reconnected last year and it was love at first sight. I knew from the second I laid eyes on him that I wanted more. The first kiss, that was it for me. I knew he was it. Every waking moment with him felt like a dream. He was sweet and cuddly. He said and did all the right things. When my insecurities came out, he smiled and loved me harder. We both were on the same page every step of the way. He fell just as hard as I did. 

5. His love and commitment. Throughout this deployment, he has been a rock. When I get nervous, he is my calm. He proves his love every day when he makes time to text me and tell me he loves me even when he's exhausted. He tells me how he appreciates my strength and staying busy. How that keeps him focused on his mission and not on me. Our face time dates on Sundays are the highlight of my week. Seeing his face and his smile makes the world seem not so bad. It puts those butterflies back in my stomach like when he was home. It gives me hope for out future and when he gets home. His strength and commitment keeps me going. He believes in us and what we have and that is beautiful. 

6. Grad school. I promised myself that I would get as much of my masters degree as time would allow while he was gone. In 9 months, I've completed 7 classes. I have 3 more until graduation. It has been exhausting, time consuming and some times a nightmare, but it keeps me busy and in the end it will advance my career. I would have loved to take my time with it, but my goal was to spend more time with him when he gets home.. And the pay increase sounded good ;) 

These are the things that help me stay busy, stay positive, and enjoy living my life while he is gone. In the beginning I felt guilty for doing these things and having fun, but then I realized that me being able to do all of this... Is exactly what he is fighting for. It has helped me become a more independent, and positive person and has also strengthened my relationships with my friends. There are still tough times especially with the holidays and night time is still the hardest, but you learn with each passing night, you're one day closer. It's ok to cry or feel lonely, it's what you do when you wake up and start your day that matters. 

<3

8 months in

And nights alone, still get to me. I still can't get used to the cold side of the bed, the absence of his scent, the lonely nights just craving his arms around me. It never gets easier. You just sort of deal. 

This week has been eye opening for both of us in terms of our relationship. I'm realizing that his past affects him more then he admits or realizes and he is realizing that some things need to change. Compromise is crucial at this point in order for us to maintain a healthy relationship. I'm so proud of how we both have handled the situation. I didn't blow up at him after weeks of festering, and he didn't snap at me and get defensive. We both just kind of saw it for what it was and promised to continue working on it. 

I love that man.

Last night I had my housewarming dinner party for my best friends and I. A friend pulled me aside and said she is so proud of the person I've become. I've known this girl for 14 years and she's been around for it all. She said a few years ago I would have never been able to handle a deployment. It's just not my personality. She also remembers be always saying I could never date military because I knew I could never be strong enough to handle it. I need constant love and affection. 

She then said... "It's so completely obvious how much you love him and what you are willing to go through to keep what you guys have. That is amazing!" 

Comments like that, make everything worth it, because she's absolutely right. I'm willing to wait an entire year for him, because of those beautiful, three months with him. He changed my views on love, myself, and life. I'd do anything for him. 

When you find what your heart needs, you'd wait forever then settle for just one more day. 

And nights like tonight, when my heart aches for him and my tears are endless, I know it will all be worth it when he returns home to me. 

Just keep holding on

I used to think by the end of a deployment the wives/gfs would probably be freaking out with excitement, planning homecoming outfits, cleaning and more cleaning and bursting with joy the faster the days fly by. 

Now I am in their shoes and it is by far harder then them leaving and the beginning of the deployment.

By this point with just a few months left, anticipation has turned into anxiety, overwhelming feels of just wanting to be over. I'm tired of being lonely. Tired of having to be emotionally independent. Tired of thinking about the homecoming. Tired of missing him. Tired of wondering what it's going to be like with him home.

I'm over it. I'm over the frustration of constantly having to adapt to his schedule. Adapting to his needs, his wants. For once I want him to throw his arms around me and adapt to MY needs, my wants. I'm ready for this deployment to be over. 

I'm sick of him living in my phone, and in my computer. I'm ready for him to live in my arms. I'm sick of the comments from other people who hAve NO IDEA but yet always seem to try to help. I'm sick of seeing other couples together and my arms aching for him. I'm sick of laying in bed with a "cold sheet" side. I'm sick of being lonely and crying in private because no one understands. 

I'm over it. I'm ready for this year long hell to be over. 

Priorities

The last few months between us have been good. We don't really fight or argue and we try our best to be respectful of each other's feelings. 

But right now my feelings are hurt and I'm trying my best to ignore it but I can't. Saturday we face timed because he couldn't on Sunday (our day) because he wanted to watch the eagles game with his buddies. No problem. I had to cut face time short because he needed me to go look at a house he is looking to buy. Whatever. Not a big deal.

Sunday I didn't talk to him at all and I was ok with it. For the most part because it's important he has guy time. 

Then yesterday he was "too tired." For some reason that excuse really pisses me off. 

Priorities.

The gym is a priority for him. He won't miss it. Ever. He goes every single day no matter what. He makes the time for it. 

Obv I'm totally ok with that. It's important to him. What I'm not ok with, is being the fall back when he's too tired, then obv he goes to bed and doesn't talk to me. The gym comes first and again I lose. 

I was really upset yesterday he was "too tired" too talk. That's two days I didn't talk to him and he wasn't on a mission. That's his own choices. THAT makes me feel like I'm not a priority. 

I tried to not make a big deal about it but my feelings are hurt. I ALWAYS make time for him. No matter what I'm doing. Even when I'm teaching. He is a priority to me. I want that in return. 

So today he messages me and I was expecting him to say he missed me. Or that he had so much fun during his football game with his guys. At least make it worth not talking to me. But no.

Never said he missed, never said anything of the sort. And he had a horrible time with his friends. Wanna know what he said?

He was working on something for the realtor and needed to download something to send a document. DURING our chat time (which isn't very long). 

Ok dude. Go do what you gotta do. Obviously I'm still not a priority today either. I just told him that I had to go. That I would talk to him tomorrow. Resentment and not feeling appreciated isn't a good way to feel during a deployment. 

By the way, I miss you. 

God continues to deliver

At the beginning of this deployment, I knew it would bring my demons out. I knew it would bring all my issues and insecurities to the surface and it would either make or break us. I prayed that God would help me grow and heal during this deployment and have a way to put my past behind me. I wanted it to happen while he was deployed as a way to protect him. So he didn't have to see the mess that was my family and the scars it left behind. 

Little by little things happened in the family that brought 15 years of hurt and pain to the surface and my family is finally starting to deal with it. I tried to keep most of it from him, some out of protection, the rest out of embarrassment. I didn't want him to see me differently or love me less. 

Again he proves everything I know about relationships and love, wrong. He didn't budge when I started to tell him what was going on. He was compassionate and warm and protective. He let me be vulnerable which is not something I do well or often. He continues to stand by me and loves me with so much loyalty. 

I love him so much deeper than I even knew was possible. He knows me and my strengths and weaknesses and loves me despite them. That is an amazing feeling. 

6 months down!

I haven't posted in a while. Teaching has been absolutely crazy since they took away our reading curriculum and didn't replace it so I've spent the majority of my nights at school trying to keep from going insane. 

Honestly I love being busy. My boss always (friendly) yells at me to go home and stop spending so much time at school but I don't mind! I go home to an empty apartment away ( which is super depressing!) so why not stay at school and get organized/ prepared for the week? 

I've also been decorating my apartment. Getting furniture here and there and trying not to spend my entire paycheck in target. :) 

Times like now when I'm super busy, time flies, and I love it. We are 6 months down. We still don't talk about feelings but I made it very clear that isn't going to fly when he comes home. He agreed and we dropped it. A friend of mine whose husband just got back a few months ago said hers was the same way. They mentally can't "check out" of their surroundings and get all emotional and lovey dovey. It's just not possible.  That makes me feel so much better knowing this is normal. 

So I'm just living my busy life, waiting for my man to get home. Keep swimming....