3 Month Check-In

It's crazy to take a step back and realize its been three months since he came home. The deployment felt like it would never end and I couldn't imagine what my life would be like when he came home.

The first month was blissful. I took every single second to soak up him in my presence. I took 3 days off of work and it was wonderful. We bought a puppy and in the 30 days leave he trained him so well.  It really gave him something to focus on.

I kept saying that I couldn't believe we weren't fighting at all, or having trouble transitioning into our new roles. It seemed so effortless.

In the midst of all the dust settling from his homecoming, he bought a house. I was so nervous at how I would feel getting rid of my apartment (my space, my oasis, my milestone) to move in with him in his house. The process leading up to it was rather stress free, except for a few meltdowns on my end.

We have been in the house for 3 weeks now and it is no longer effortless. Its hard, its stressful, its a lot of questions and trying to communicate when we don't want too. I think we finally hit the transition stage. He had something to focus on when he got home (dog, house, etc) that now that we are in the house, he is stressing.

Im not sure what to do. Im trying to be as supportive as I can, but a girl has needs too. We need to be loved, and hugged, and to feel needed and important. I just want to be a priority. I want to be his focus, for once. I put my needs on the back burner his entire deployment and let him do what he needed to do. When he got home, I tried to be supportive as his friends, the house, and the dog became a priority.

This military life is difficult. Hugs to everyone else in this boat.

This is it

Today is the day I pick up my soldier. 

I don't think it's hit me yet. I didn't sleep at all last night, my eyes never shut once. I've got butterflies and I'm nervous but I don't think I will understand the finality of the deployment ending until he puts his arms around me. I'm sitting on my couch in my place. It's clean, groceries are in the fridge, my hair is having a good day and I think I'm finally ready. All I have left to do it put on my heels and head out the door. 

In just a few hours, I'll be in the parking lot waiting for the buses that will bring my love to me. 

It's been a long year, one at times I didn't know if I would make it through. Deployments are hard and there are way too many nights where you have to swallow your pride and your own feelings and be supportive of their career. 

I promised I would unplug for a few days once he came home, so this is me signing off to soak up the best day of my life. 

Swallowing pride

One thing I didn't expect was jealousy. He has never made me feel jealous in any way, ever. But tonight, I had to bite my tongue and swallow my pride. 

He's been in the states (not here) doing his debriefing and reintegration process with his unit. Since it's the weekend and they are waiting on a few things, they had some free time. He and some of the guys have taken advantage of that time and gone bowling, to the movies, and to dinner, two nights in a row. A part of me is so happy that he can do those things now, but the majority of me is so upset that I wasn't the one with him when he did them. I really didn't expect them to have free time and I honestly feel stupid for being jealous. It's not like he WANTS to be there and doing those things without me, he just is. 

One thing I have learned throughout this shitty deployment is, it's never about me. I don't get to have a say about anything, and that is the hardest part. I wouldn't want him to be bored, just sitting around waiting, but I'm actually really upset that he did those things without me. I know it sounds stupid, but a year long deployment without him has made me really sensitive to this stuff, apparently. 

Ugh I'm so over this. I just wish it would end already so I can have my emotions back to normal. 

We did it

He is safe. He touched US ground a couple of days ago and is in the reintegration process down in Texas. The second he touched down, he called me. My hands were shaking as I picked up the phone. I hadn't received a phone call from him in a year, it's usually emails and face time. His ringtone immediately sent my butterflies in over drive. 

He called me last night and we talked for an hour. I think my cold soldier is finally thawing out. We laughed and made plans for when he gets home. 

I can't even describe how it feels to know he is safe, and almost home. We did it. We got through our first deployment with only a few months of dating beforehand. 

I'm so proud of us.

Doesn't seem real

As this deployment comes to an end soon, I just keep thinking the same thing....... it doesn't seem real yet. I remember laying next to him the night before he deployed and my entire body felt like bricks. I remember the overwhelming feeling of dread and fear. Would we survive an entire year separated after only a few months dating? Would I fall out of love with him, or would he? Did we fall deep enough in love before he left to keep us both waiting for each other? Would he be safe? So many questions ran through my mind and I knew it was going to be a long road ahead.

Almost a year later, and it's really almost over. We really made it. I love him so much more then the day he left, and I never even know that was possible. We have had some moments where things got a little tough between us, but we worked through it. Trying to manage a relationship in two different countries, during our first year together is damn near impossible, but we did it. We survived our first fight 6000+ miles apart and here we are, getting ready to wrap this deployment up.

Lately I have been laying in bed, wondering what it will feel like to roll over and see his face, hear him breathe, and be able to touch his face. Instead of wondering where he is and if he is thinking about me. I'll be able to come home to a house that smells like his cologne and be able to cook dinner for more then just myself. I will finally be able to gladly accept invitations where other couples will be there, instead of declining as a third wheel. I will be able to have my emotions and my heart back in my chest and not in my stomach when someone mentions missing their boyfriends for the weekend. I will be able to relax on the couch, under the blanket, snuggled on his chest. I won't have to be glued to my phone and cry over a missed phone call or a dead conversation because he can't or won't say anything thats going on over there. We will be able to sit in silence and just be. I can't wait.

I'm really sitting her with tears streaming down my face, knowing that this is really almost over. That all these things will be back in my life and I will no longer have this sick, empty, lonely feeling every night that I sit here by myself.

In the beginning of this journey... I honestly didn't know if I would make it to this point. I didn't think I would be strong enough. I knew what I felt for him, but I didn't know it would carry us through this.

I am so glad it did. It's really almost over.

What do you even say to those words?

Yesterday was our anniversary. Normal people get to spend those special days with their loved ones. Not us milso girls. 

I woke up secretly anticipating a face date. Even though it wasn't our typical face chat day, I was optimistic since it was our anniversary. I woke up eager and excited to talk to him. 

I knew something was up... He's been going to bed early the last week and being more distant that the usual "cold, distant soldier mode." Yesterday on our anniversary he didn't seem like he wanted to talk. I could tell something was up so I just told him I had errands to run and needed to start my day. To make sure he didn't feel bad for ending our conversation (well, lack of) early. I was really disappointed and upset so, I made plans with my girlfriends for dinner and some bowling. I knew I was going to need the distraction. Dinner was great and bowling was a blast. I got home late with a big smile on my face, knowing we were down to single digit weeks. It was almost over. The new unit will be there shortly and we all know what that means when the footlocker gets shipped home. I just brushed his mood off as him preparing to leave. 

The hell is almost over. Just hold on for a bit longer. Is what I kept telling myself. 

Then this morning the internet was working. Reconnecting..... That's all we kept getting. Within 15 min of that nonsense we just decided to text instead and as usual.. He was tired and wanted to go to be early anyway. 

Then those words came out of his mouth... The date was pushed back. I just kept reading and staring at the words hoping it would go away. The wind literally felt like it was sucked right from my lungs. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what can you say to that?? Ok? I immediately said that I was getting off the phone and starting my day so he could get some sleep. There was no where to take the conversation after those words are spoken. 

I called my mom and my girlfriends and they came over. I haven't cried that hard in a LONG time. Just when you think the hell is almost over, another month is added on. I had started stocking the cabinets with his favorites and buying new shirts for his return. Making sure all his favorites and essentials were ready. I was starting to let myself believe it was really almost over. Soon he would be home and the struggles of the end of deployment would be over. 

My face hurts, my eyes are still swollen 12 hrs later, and my stomach is in knots. 

And all he can say is... You just learn to expect it and get used to it. 

Yup. That response is exactly what is going to make me feel better. 

Sometimes I question how strong I really am. I have an amazing life; a rewarding career, amazing friends, and independence. I absolutely love my life, but I don't love living with this hole of him being gone. It can completely cripple you some days to where you don't want to even function to get out of bed. 

I just have to keep reminding myself of the person I fell in love with and what it felt like to have him around. How much better my already amazing life was.. 

I am so over this war and the journey it's put me on. 

My New Years Resolution

The holidays are about spending time with the ones you love, creating memories and appreciating the things that matter the most. When you have a spouse deployed, there is no greater feeling of worry, desperation, fear, loneliness and pride. It is a constant roller coaster of emotions and the holidays heighten those emotions. You feel so lonely and guilty. You try your absolute hardest to put a smile on your face and appreciate the time spent with family, but there is the biggest hole in your heart wishing they could be home. 

I remember the night before he left, laying down, staring at him, begging God to keep him safe and bring him home to me. Praying that I would be strong enough to endure this journey with him and mentally preparing myself for what was to come. With 2 brothers in the service, I thought this would be just like them leaving. I've been down this road before and I knew what to expect; the spotty internet, communication issues, dangerous missions, months of routine and staying busy, and the emotions leading up to homecoming. Now that we are at the end of the deployment, I have no idea how I survived it. It has been the hardest, most exhausting journey I have ever been on. 

We are getting ready to come into the new year and counting down the weeks until his return. This year my new years resolution is simple: to wrap my arms around him and love him the best I can. To show him everyday that he was worth every single second of separation and tears. To nurture the amazing relationship that we started when he left and make it even stronger once he gets home. 

Deployments suck, but they teach you so much about yourself, and your relationship. They make you appreciate the little things and savor every moment with them. Savor the moments with the one you love, appreciate them or who they are and let go of the little stuff. In the end, it doesn't matter anyway.